Lately I've been thinking about everything I want out of life. What do I want to be? Where do I want to live? What do I want to accomplish? I've been asking myself these questions practically all of my life, but I'm realizing that I'm getting older, and I need to make decisions and stick to them.
For the past few years, I've put my needs, desires, etc. on the back burner. I based everything on my husband and his career. That's not a bad thing by any means, but I was using those things as an excuse, and not accomplishing anything of my own. I'm finding that I can't do that anymore. Of course, I have to be mindful of him, but I need to fulfill myself as well.
I've been considering going back to college for a while now. I still don't know what would be my major. I don't even know where I would attend school. I'm trying to consider my options, but it's so hard when I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I'm good at office work, but I don't want to be chained to a desk the rest of my life. I know I want to help people. I've always known that God has given me a huge heart for people, and it's my desire to put it to good work.
I've thought about nursing, but I would have to get over my weak stomach. Also, I know there's a lot of heart break in that field. It would devastate me if someone died or recieved horrible news. I know it's also a very rewarding career, but I'm trying to decide if it's worth the heart break that comes along with it.
I've also thought about cosmetology because I know I would be good at it. I would do it just because it's fun, but it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to help people in a deeper way than cutting their hair or making them feel pretty.
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When I was younger, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, and I was going to accomplish them all. As an adult, I've realized there are things I can't do (like be a professional singer :)). Somethings I have talked myself out of doing because I don't feel capable or worthy of. It frustrates me to pieces that I have allowed my insecurities to rob me of my faith in myself. I wish I could go back to the place where my dreams seemed attainable.
When I was 17, I was watching a Barbara Walter's special called, "Born in My Heart." It was about adoption and Romanian orphanages. During that special, I felt God tug on my heart and say,"That's what I want you to do." I was absolutely elated. I felt so honored that the God of the Universe wanted me to work with these poor children who have no love.
Also, during my freshman year of college, I was writing a paper about what I wanted to do in life. In the process of writing it, I realized that God specifically called me to love the unloved. Yes, we are all called to do this, but I felt as though it was my specific mission.
Over the next year, I had a hard time coping with being an adult. As I was thrust into the world alone, I realized I really didn't know who I was. Through searching and struggling, I began to see glimpses of who I was, both good and bad. I lost sight of what God wanted in this processes and I would beg Him to show me. Of course He did, but it was in His time. I remember while I was researching something on the computer for school, I came upon some missionary website. Again, I felt God say, "This is what you I meant for you to do." I felt such a peace in my heart about it.
Around that time I got involved in a pretty charismatic church. Because of some of the things I was exposed to, I was misguided. After being involved for quite some time, I started realizing things didn't add up. I was so confused and troubled about the things that were being taught. Eventually, something happened with this group that pushed me far away from God. I was angry with Him. I was hurt and so confused that I strayed far away from my beliefs for many years.
Looking back I see that God didn't want me involved and the some things that were being taught were not scriptual at all. However, I was pushed so far away that I'm still finding it hard to come back to the place I know is right and pure. I question what is right and what is wrong. I'm still so confused. Because of all of this, I wonder how I'm ever going to do what God wants me to do with my life. I have quite the mess to sort out in my life. I know it's going to take some time to do, so in the waiting, I'm trying to figure out how to best move forward.
Life can be some complicated. I'm learning that it never turns out the way you think it will. Sometimes that alone is a hard thing to grasp. It's hard not to become bitter, frustrated, or angry that other people get to have the life I always wanted.. On top of that, they get it so easily it seems. In my head, I know I may have it harder than some because God wants to grow or change something within me. My heart has a harder time grasping that though. None the less, I need to move forward.
In the waiting, I pray for wisdom and understanding. I pray for growth and change. I also pray for forgiveness. I pray that God will show me how to move forward.
