Depression takes you on a downward spiral. Many times, you may not realize how bad things have gotten until you've hit rock bottom. After years of struggling with depression and having hit rock bottom, I've decided to have an
existance of joy. This is my journey out of the pit.
A year ago today I made a heartwrenching decision to get a divorce.
After years of struggle, I had finally reached a point where it was alright for me to let go.
I remember the conversation I had with my ex husband. We were both in agreement over the decision, but even so, I was completely devastated. I had no idea what the future held or how I was going to make ends meet, and honestly that terrified me.
Over the next few months, I experienced every bad emotion: Fear, Anger, Guilt, Denial, Sadness. I had no idea how I was ever going to get through that horrific time in my life. I thought that a year from then I would still be experiencing those emotions.
.. and the truth is, a year later, I'm not.
Instead of the bad feelings mentioned above, I have complete peace and joy about the situation.
I know that might sound extremely strange, but that is definitely the case.
Truth be told, I'm the happiest I've been in six years or so.
Never in my own strength could I have gotten through this whole situation.. It was totally and undeniably God.
So thank you God for a year of healing and restoration.
Growing up in the south, there is such a huge pressure to marry young and start making babies as soon as you say "I Do". Most people marry right out of high school and within 5 years, they've had three kids.
If you're not one of these individuals, you start to feel funny about yourself. My first relationship started shortly after high school. That didn't work, so I dated a couple other people over the next few years and eventually got married. Well, we all know how that story ended.
Practically all my life, I've felt like I was incomplete because I didn't have 'that special someone' in my life. Every time I ran into someone I knew from high school, I felt like an alien because I didn't have 2.5 kids. I felt like a loser, and I let this define my worth.
Now that I'm divorced, and all chances of having 2 kids, owning a house in the 'burbs with a white picket fence, a golden retriever named Lucky, and my devastatingly handsome, doctor husband seem to be a world away. I feel even more alien than I already did. Not only that, but I'm 25 and divorced, so I'm the one people gossip about.
It's just peachy.
After my divorce, out of desperation, I joined a single's site. I met some "interesting" people and went on a couple bad dates. Through this and a series of other events, I decided to quit looking.
That's not to say that I don't want anyone.. I do.
More than anything, I would love someone to spend time with.. Someone that makes the clouds of lonliness vanish. Someone who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. Someone who I can laugh with, pamper, cook for, cuddle with, etc, etc..
But because I want that more than anything, I have to let it go.
I want to take some time for me. I want to rediscover the parts of me that I lost, and discover the parts of me I don't know. I want to become the person I'm destined to be. In order to do this, however, I need to be alone for a while. I can't let a man (or the lack of one) define who I am and how I see myself.
I need to want God and His perfect will more than anything.
I have to allow Him to restore me and make me anew.
I have to allow Him alone to define my worth.
Then in due time, He will bring the right man into my life.
But until then, He needs to be my only man.
Not to say any of this is easy.. It's not.
From time to time, I struggle with thoughts of sadness, frustration, and loneliness.
Some times I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.. But then I get over it.
I'm realizing that life is full of beauty and adventure. I can't wait for a great life to come to me- I have to go out and get it. If I'm constantly stewing about being alone, I'm going to miss out on so much. I simply cannot do that any longer.
I'm ready to life the single life I want. If and when God brings someone into my life, then that's great. If not, that's great too. Either way, I'm going to live a full life.
I don't need to care about what other's idea of 'normal' is.
All I need is to care about what God wants and who I am in Him.
So, after 20 something years of struggle, lesson learned.. I'm giving that part of me to God.
If you're on Facebook, it's almost guaranteed that you've seen the following status before:
While you scream at your woman there's a man wishing he could whisper softly in her ear. While you humiliate, offend and insult her there's a man flirting with her and reminding her of how beautiful she is. While you continue to hurt her there's a man wishing he could take all the pain away. While you make her cry there's a man stealing smiles from her.
I had initially come across this status during my marriage, and it brought tears to my eyes. Why? Because I was abused.
Reading this made me so sad for so many reasons. Not only was it a reminder of my life (the bad parts), but how twisted my thinking had become.
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Growing up, I always would say, "If a man ever treated me this way, I would leave him in a heartbeat." I had no doubt in my mind of how I would act if I should ever be treated that way. Then I was put in that position, and that all changed.
The first time it happened, I called my parents. They were hysterical and tried to get me out of the situation. As I was in New York and they were in Arkansas, it was hard for them to do much of anything. Then my brand new husband stepped in, told me everything I wanted to hear so that I would calm down and stay. Thus began a horrible cycle.
Shortly after we were married, my husband left for Iraq. This time was extremely hard for me. Not only was I dealing with my husband being deployed, but I had found out that he had been writing woman online as a "single, lonely soldier." Finding this out absolutely broke my heart. I swore things were over, but a suicide threat made me stay.
During his time in Iraq, my husband had supposedly developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He returned to the states earlier than his troop. This time was full of doctor's appointments, hospital stays, tons of medications, etc. It was also full of abuse, both physical and emotional.
I tried my best to stand beside my husband during such a rough time. My thinking was, "My vows were to stay with him through better or for worse. This just happens to be the worse part." Every time the abuse happened, I wanted to leave, but on the other hand, I loved him so much and wanted to help him. Plus, he knew how to manipulate me into staying.
One time I had the courage to leave. I got in my car and drove to Arkansas. Stupidly, I kept answering his phone calls. Through the calls he was able to manipulate me into coming back. He told me that he was living for the Lord, which was everything I wanted to hear. After a month of being gone, I went back.
Shortly after arriving home, I found out that he had cheated on me with a couple different girls whileI was away. Although I wanted to leave, I felt as though I had just burned the bridge with my parents. Although they were heartbroken that I went back to him, I know now that they would have helped me. However, when your mind is so twisted from abuse, your ability to logically rationalize is not there. So, I stayed.
Over the next few years, we had our ups and downs. Looking back, I would say that when it was good, it was great. but when it was bad, it was really bad. Although I thoroughly enjoyed my husband during the good times, I feared and despised him during the bad times. I held out hope that things would get better. I thought anyone could change, and God could heal all if He chose to do so. Although I believe fully in the healing power of God, I understand that some things don't happen like we would like them to.
He and I were apart for six weeks during this last summer. He was finally getting out of the military, but had not yet cleared, and I had gone to find and prepare a home in Arkansas. During those six weeks, I was happy. I was around my family and friends, living in an area that I love to pieces. I was making choices on my own, without having the military to tell us where or what. It was such a freeing time.
When he finally came down from New York, things were better, but different. In the midst of trying to adjust to married life in the civilian world, I found out that during those six weeks apart, my husband had another affair. I remember being angry, but more disappointed than anything. Over the next month, I realized that this behavior was not going to change, and I also realized how unhappy I was. During this time, he had also realized how unhappy he was. When then decided to get a divorce.
Here I am now, divorced nearly two months, and I'm doing much better. Slowly but surely, the cycle of abuse is being broken down inside my mind. I'm trying to re-learn how to think for myself and put things in proper perspective. It's extremely hard, but with the help of God and loved ones, I'm getting there.
The other day, while listening to the radio, I was reminded of the bad times and how far I have come. I first heard this song before I left my ex husband back in 2008-
The lyrics spoke to me. Especially this part:
When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
I was in despair and I felt so alone. I honestly felt so abandoned by God. This was a reminder that God was there for me. He held me together, although my life was falling apart. He was my security when I felt I had none. I knew that somehow I would be delivered from this.
When I heard this song the other day, it touched me so deeply. I looked back over the last few years and saw the faithfulness of God. Not only did he deliver me, but He is also renewing my mind. He is breaking the cycle of abuse within me and giving me a hope for a beautiful future.
Although I grew up with great men, over the last few years I thought that they were a dying breed. Of the ones that were left, no one could ever love me. I was "damaged goods" and because of that, no one would want to come near me. Through the renewing of my mind, I'm beginning to see that not only are there great men out there, but one day, one might love and cherish me for who I am- and that makes my heart smile.
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* I didn't write this blog for pity. I wrote it as part of a healing process--to share my life and my experience. Also, I didn't write this blog to "air dirty laundry". I don't harbor bad feelings towards my ex-husband, as I've been able to forgive him.
If you are abused, I want you to know you're not alone. Not only have others gone through this, but God is right by your side. He hasn't abandoned you, and He can deliver you if you allow Him to do so.
