My New Beginning

Today I am divorced.

Surprisingly enough, I'm not sad. I'm actually excited.

Isn't that odd?

I have experienced every emotion under the sun due to this divorce. I was so afraid of how I was going to be once this was all said and done. I imagined myself scared and sad, but I'm neither.

I'm so relieved.

I feel as though a burden has been lifted off of me.

Even though I knew I wasn't happy in the marriage, I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was.

I feel as though my life is my own again.

No longer do I have to walk on eggshells with someone.

I don't have to be suspicious if he's with another woman.

I can buy what I want when I want, and I don't have to made to feel guilty.

I can go wherever I want to.

I can be the woman God intended me to be.

I feel as though I can finally exhale.

~

Get A Life!

As I move onward in my single life, I'm finding that I really don't have a life beyond work. During my free time I'm usually on the computer. Hobbies have become a thing of the past. A social life? What's that?! For the past few years, I have revolved my life around someone else.  Now that that person is out of the picture, I have absolutely nothing left. I absolutely detest that I have allowed myself to become like this.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want out of life, even when it comes to small things like hobbies and interests. There are so many things that I've always wanted to do, but have always made excuses on some level why I can't do it. I claim I don't have time, but in truth, if I spent less time on facebook, I would have plenty of time. I even use money as an excuse, but if I didn't eat out as much or if I didn't waste money on chai lattes at Starbucks, I would have more money.

So what do I want?

I want to learn how to decorate fabulous cakes..
I want to learn how to make beautiful creations like this:



I want to learn how to cook gourmet meals like so:



I want to learn how to play these instruments well:







I want to travel to places like this:






I want to volunteer my time to help anyone who needs help.

I want to spend more time getting to know people outside of my circle.
People are so fascinating. I want to cultivate friendships with many different people in many different walks of life.

Being single again isn't necessarily a bad thing. I will have more time to work on me. In developing myself, I know I will find sweet joy.

You Never Know

A few nights back I felt like I needed to call my grandmother. I called her and she was breathing badly and said she didn't feel good, and asked me to pray for her. I told her she needed to go to the hospital, and she said if she got worse, she would. I called my mother right after and had her call my grandmother. My grandmother then decided she needed to go to the hospital. To make a long story short, she was in ICU, was severely dehydrated, and had a massive heart attack. She's doing okay now, and is going to be released from the hospital in the next day or so.

Of course, this bothered me badly. I love my grandmother so much, and I can't imagine a life without her. She has always been so amazing. I know one day I will lose her, but I don't want it to be anytime soon. I wish with all of my heart that I could be there with her and take care of her, but I don't think it would be possible at this time as she lives in California.

This got me thinking about how much we don't take advantage of the time we have left with those we love. We always think people are going to be there, so we don't make plans to spend time with them as we should, nor do we take time to pick up the phone to see how they're doing. Life is so very short, and you never know when someone's will end.

I want to encourage you to pick up the phone and call someone. Tell them you love them. See how they're doing. You never know how much a simple action like that can touch (or save) someone else's life. Go a step further and spend time with them. Sacrificing just a few hours of your time can mean the world to someone else.

A Second Chance

At at least one point in our lives, we wish for a second chance, or a do-over. We wish life could be like the movies where the character lives with the choices they've made, only to wake up one morning and they're years younger. They are able to avoid the mistakes that they made previously, and they wake up again to find everything is right in the world. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen in real life.

Over the last several years, I have begged God for a do-over. I knew it probably wouldn't happen, but God can do anything, right? There are several mistakes I've made in my life, and I wish I could go back in time and avoid those mistakes. Maybe then I would be at a different place in my life. Maybe then I would be blogging about the adventures I having instead of the disappointments life has brought me.

Yesterday I realized God had in fact answered my prayers. While it wasn't how I ever wanted it to happen, He has given me a second chance in life. I'm not saying by any means that God brought my divorce on, but He is making something beautiful come from this experience.

I can't go back and right all of my wrongs, but I can go forward and learn from my mistakes so that I may make better choices this go-around. There are so many things I'm not willing to compromise on anymore because of the life I want to live. I desire to accomplish so many things in my life, and I know it's not going to be possible if I continue on the path that I've been treading. I know that I need to seek God first because my will has led me down to such a devastating path.

Thank you God for another chance.

I fully intend to make this second chance worth something wonderful.

Climbing out of the Pit

For the first time in a long time I am feeling very content with my life. With all that has gone on in the last few years, I have struggled a lot with being dissatisfied. My life has not turned out at all the way I use to picture it. I have made more than my share poor decisions over the last few years. Some things that have happened were beyond my control. Regardless, I have been dissatisfied, restless, and completely envious of others. However, in this moment, I'm very content with where I am.

I use to picture myself married with at least 2 rugrats at this age. I would have a college degree, own a house, be a preacher's wife, and would have a ministry of my own. I would be devastatingly in love with my husband, and he with me. I would be the "Proverbs 31 woman". I would take the occassional missions trip overseas. I would be healthy and fit. I would never speak unkind of anyone. I would be giving, and would use my time praying for and helping others. My house would be clean. I would play the violin and piano. I would sing occassionally in church.  I would home school my children. I would teach them about life and God. I would travel the world. I would get up early each morning, fix a cup of coffee, and spend time with God.

Those were/are my dreams. However, that is not my life, and for a long time, I hated that. I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I may never have that life. Currently my life is far from my perfect dream, but I'm okay with that. My life is my own, and I need to be content with where I am, but continuing to strive for better. I shouldn't sit around sulking about what I should be or have.

I need to focus on what I already have:

I have amazing parents who love me. I have a wonderful brother, sister, and sister-in-law. I have two handsome nephews and a beautiful niece. I have great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have the best friends in the world. I have a roof over my head. I have a running car, a job, and food on the table. I have dogs who love to give me kisses when I come home each day. I was blessed enough to have a wonderful Christian education. I have a Savior that loves me and died for me. I am so fortunate to live in such a wonderful country.

I am so very blessed, and so very content with what I have. If I never see my dreams come to pass, that's okay because what I already do have is so very wonderful. So, thank you God. Also, thank you to all of those that make my life so wonderful.

Feelings of Divorce: Denial and Acceptance

Throughout this divorce, I've gone through so many stages and emotions- anger, grief, denial, guilt, peace, etc. It has been the wildest roller coaster of emotions I've every experienced (one that I wish I could get off of). Recently, my mother showed me a cycle diagram that an old family friend wrote up about the feelings you encounter during divorce and the steps you take to recovery. I was absolutely surprised that I had gone through most of them, but I was even more shocked to know that all that I was feeling was normal.

The emotions I want to touch on tonight are denial and acceptance.

This really isn't over with.

Surely this can be fixed.

We're going to be married "until death do us part".

Although the end of our marriage was a long time coming, when we finally made the decision to do it, I was in extreme denial of the situation. At times, I really thought things could work out. For quite awhile after the decision was made, I didn't tell anyone. Part of the reason I didn't say anything was because I couldn't believe it myself. I wanted so badly for this to be a nightmare that I could wake up from. After a while, I realized that wasn't going to happen and I had to accept what was to come: I was getting a divorce.

Denial has been such a hard emotion to go through. It often leads to prayers and thoughts that my marriage can be saved. That isn't a bad thing by any means, but I had allowed my heart to be open to the possibility of saving this marriage, only for the possibilities to be shut down by my husband, and that was so devastating. Once I finally came to terms with the inevitable end, this eventually brought forth feelings of peace and even joy. I was so scared to accept this divorce because only then would it be real to me. Little did I know that acceptance would then bring forth restoration; a gradual healing of my heart and mind.

New Job

Today I started my new job at Dillard's.. I think it's going to be an amazing experience! I'm so excited to meet new people and get a paycheck while doing it. I hope to make great friends out of this experience.

I'm so excited to be working for a good company. So far everyone has been super friendly. Plus, it seems as though they really value their employees, which is a nice change from the last few places I've worked. They also said there is potential for three raises within your first year.. Now that's amazing!

Plus, I love being able to dress up for work. It gives me such a confidence boost when I look my best. I really think this job is going to give me a lot of what I need to get on the right track... I'm so excited!

On A Happier Note...

I know my blogs have been pretty downright depressing lately, and for that I do apologize. In the midst of a storm, it's so hard to think on anything other than that storm. I know it's going to be rough, and I'm sure I'm probably going to have more depressing blogs, but I have decided to take a break from all of that to write much happier things. *YAY*

Ever since we came to the conclusion that we were getting a divorce, I've had A LOT of time to think about my life and where I wanted to go from here. Should I move? Should I go back to school? What do I want to go back to school for? How can I better myself?

Well, I finally made some conclusions-

I have applied to go back to College of the Ozarks next fall. I am going to apply myself more than I ever have before, and I'm going to get a degree in Nursing. So, if I'm accepted, I'm going to move to Branson next summer. I have already talked to one of my old college roomies, and she has graciously offered her home to me. I'm so excited about this! I'm praying that it will all workout. If not, I'm still working on a backup plan.

Also, I'm going to start traveling. There are so many places in this world I want to go. I'm not only going to dream about going, but I'm going to do it, even if I have to go by myself. I want to try different foods, learn different cultures, take pictures of places I've read about, and I want to meet so many different people.

I'm going to work on my appearance. Not only am I going to lose weight and get into shape, but I want to work on fixing myself up every day. I want to have perfectly pedicured toes. I want nice clothes. I want to have such great hair that strangers come up to me and ask where I got my hair done. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound vain. I've just let myself go so much that I need to get it together. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel and look beautiful.

I want to find a great church home and become active in it. One thing I miss greatly is having fellowship with other believers. I truly miss being able to learn more about God and sing songs to Him in a church setting amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ. I've gotten so far away from it all, and I so desperately want to get back.

I want to be debt free. Over the years I have accumulated so much debt, that it literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I want to agressively pay things off, so that I can put my mind and my tummy to ease. :)

Above all, I want to become the woman that God desires for me to be. He wants me to strive for the best. He wants me to be confident and humble. He wants me to accomplish the dreams He has for me. So far, I haven't done a good job with that, but that is all going to change. I cannot wade around in the depths of my despair, but I most go forth and joyfully conquer all that He has for me. And by golly, I'm going to do it!

Although this divorce is rough and my heart is broken, I am starting to get really excited about all of the possibilities I have in life. I can go and do everything I want to do. There are no limits! How amazing is that?

Letting Go Is Hard To Do...

As some of you know, Travis and I are in a very weird situation.

We are living together.

Because we had signed a lease on this place we're renting, and because of financial situations, we decided to continue living together for a few months. We are both in seperate bedrooms, and for the most part, we get along fantastically. So far, so good.

Well, it's starting to get tough. He is moving on, and has started seeing someone else. I am, however, still very emotionally attached and am not moving on as I should be. I am broken-hearted and am still very much in love with this man. It absolutely kills me that he's with someone else. My mind begins to wander about what they are doing, if she's prettier than me, and so on. I drive myself absolutely crazy.

I knew this was bound to happen, but it's so very hard. I don't think anyone could ever prepare fully for this process in a divorce. It is so hard to let go of someone you love, even if they didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. However, I know it's something I have to do. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I know for sanity's sake I have to.

My Place In This World

I feel so lost right now.

My heart and mind are being pulled in several different directions.

I can barely catch my breath.

Should I stay where I am? Should I move? Should I go back to school in the spring?

Where do I belong?

Truth be told, I absolutely despise where I am in life.

I hate feeling like a stranger in my own life.

I no longer know who I am or what I want.

It's absolutely frustrating.

I wish I knew where to go from here.

I'm praying, but I seem to get no answer.

Although I'm surrounded with all of the love and support in the world, I feel so alone.

 God, I need your help.

Please direct me in the path you want for my life.

Close any doors you don't wish for me enter.

Show me the door you wish me to go through.

I desperately need your direction.

I need for you to show me where to go.

I need to feel like I belong.

Please help me to see myself through your eyes.

Help me to know who I am.

"Show me your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth, and teach me: for you are the God of my salvation;

on you do I wait all the day." Psalm 25: 4-5

The Grass is Always Greener...

When I was a child, all I wanted was to be an adult. When I was a teenager, all I wanted was to be married and have my own little family. Now, as an adult, all I want is to be a carefree child again.

It's funny how we are always wanting what we cannot have.

I long for the days where my biggest decision in life was deciding which cereal to eat for breakfast. I was always so secure as a child. I had parents who loved me. I had a roof over my head. I didn't have to plan for the future. Bills and big decisions didn't keep me up at night. How wonderful it would be to go back to those days!

But here I am. I'm getting a divorce. I don't have a job. I don't know where I will be next month. I stay up at night fretting about bills and the future. Meanwhile, my heart hurts badly. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and no escape seems to be in sight.

I wish so desperately that I will wake up in the morning and be 10 years old with no cares in the world. Unfortunately things don't happen like they do in the movies. We don't get a do-over. We must trudge forth living with our choices, and we must deal with the consequences that come our way. We must make the best out of every situation, even when there's not a light at the end of a tunnel. We must not yearn for the greener grass, but rather be content in the situation we're in, meanwhile striving for a better life. It's truly so exhausting.

Feelings of Divorce: Anger

Another one of the oh-so-lovely feelings accompanied by divorce is anger. I am so angry that this had to happen to me. I'm also furious that he seems to be moving on just fine. Why can't he feel the way he has made me feel? Why do I have to be the one who is hurting?

I never deserved to be put in this position. I was a good wife, and I tried so very hard to make this marriage work. I sacrificed so much, and what do I get in return? A divorce. And the cherry on the cake is I get to see him moving on.

Two weeks after we made the decision to get a divorce, he has already started dating. How can he just move on and toss me to the curb like I'm nothing?

Needless to say, I'm absolutely furious.

Feelings of Divorce: Grief

One of the feelings I have been going through since starting this process is grief. As I've stated before, divorce is like a death, and I feel as if I've lost my best friend. My heart has been torn in a million pieces, and it feels as though it'll never be whole again.
I never wanted this to happen to me, and I honestly thought I would never go through this, but here I am in the midst of a divorce. I grew up in a christian home, and I believe in the Bible and God to my very core. I know divorce isn't Biblical. I hate the fact that I've been put in the position where divorce is necessary.

My marriage has been a constant struggle, even more so than most couples. I fought very hard to make it work, and it feels like all of that work was in vain. I feel as though my efforts have been wasted. I feel like a failure, even though I know I've done all that I can. Some people would say that I haven't tried, but not knowing the circumstances, I would find them completely ignorant.

No one ever deserves to know the pain of divorce. It's one of the very worst things I've ever had to go through. I feel as if I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I don't feel as though I'm really living my life. I feel so alone, even though I have an amazing support system around me. My tears seem never ending. My heart literally hurts. I don't feel as though I could love again. Sometimes I don't feel very hopeful of the future. I try to imagine the future and it all seems so bleak. I don't like feeling this way at all.

I wish that there was a shot or something that would make me numb to the pain I feel. I wish I could go on a vacation so that I could forget everything. Unfortunately there isn't a shot and I can't go on vacation.  I have to trudge forth and live out each day dealing with every emotion that comes my way.

I'm trying to cling to God's Word and His promises.. Although I feel alone and broken hearted, I know that He is with me. This is what is getting me through.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

The End

Last week was mine and Travis' third and final wedding anniversary.

For most of you this won't come as a surprise, as you have known some of the struggles Travis and I have faced in the last few years. With all that has happened and with the paths we wish to take in the future, we have mutually decided to part ways. This decision was not easy, but it has been a decision that has been made after much consideration.

Divorce is a devastating thing. I'm finding that it is like a death. It's a death of a love and a life that has been built. It's something I never wanted to experience in my lifetime. I know that I have fought as hard as I could to make this marriage work. Unfortunately, I'm finding that some things can go beyond our control. I have to believe that God has some greater plan that I cannot see right now.

For those of you who don't know the reasoning, I may choose to share it with you one day, but then again, I might not. Details of any divorce can be so painful, and I may not wish to divulge any more information than what I'm putting out here today. If you do not know all of the details, I ask that you not speculate or gossip. I'm already going through enough, and I don't need the added stress or worry of mine or my husband's name being run through the mud. It is my sincere hope that people would be respectful of my feelings and my privacy in this matter.

I also ask that during this time that you lift Travis and I up in your prayers. We so desperately need it. We wish to walk away from this marriage with absolutely no bitterness or hard feelings toward each other.

Thank you to all of you who have prayed and encouraged us over the last few years. It has meant a lot, and I will never forget the kindness you have shown us.

My Wonderful Roxy Update

As I write this, I'm SO excited! God has been answering prayers and healing my little girl.

Three nights ago we were given the option to put my little girl to sleep.. Three days later, she is doing so much better!!

We have been pretty nervous because she hasn't wanted to eat or drink the last two days. However, tonight, we discovered her weakness... I found a bone that she had been chewing on prior to her sickness. It's a normal rawhide bone, but wrapped inside it is some layer of dried meat. Well, I gave her the bone, and almost immediately she started tearing away at this layer of wrapped meat. Travis had just come home with some baby food to try to give her, and I dipped her bone in the baby food, and she licked it away. I told Travis about her digging at the meat, and he suggested we cook up bacon.. Well, as soon as she smelled it, she hopped right up and wagged her tail. We gave her a piece and she gobbled it up!

We have tried chicken, rice, broth, baby food, honey, wet dog food, etc... She didn't want any of it, but she went after the bacon like nobody's business.

She has been walking around more, has been playful, is going to the bathroom outside, and is returning to her loving self. And it's all due to the healing power of God! Several people have been praying, and God is answering those prayers! I'm SO excited!

The ER vet told us either we needed to put her in the hospital for several days (which could cost $1000-$3000 extra) or if we couldn't afford that, to euthanize her. We couldn't afford the hospitalization, but we couldn't bear to put her down yet, so we decided to take her home to try to help her.

The vet made a rude comment about us "pulling the rug from under our dog" and "we should have just euthanized her last night." None the less, we took her home, and every day since, we have been praying and playing doctor. Now, three days later, she is doing miraculously well!

I think that when Roxy is completely better, I might write that vet a letter telling her that plan c (the healing power of God) saved my baby! :)

So thank you all for your prayers, and please continue to keep her in your prayers as she continues to recover... And praise God for His healing power!

Prayers for Roxy

This is my sweet angel Roxy.

She is 20 weeks old.

She's playful, loveable, amazingly sweet, and super smart.

I was there when she was born. I was the first one to hold her. I cut her umbilical cord. I gave her her first bath. I have been with her almost every day since she was born.

I love this girl from the bottom of my heart.

Last night Roxy became extremely sick. We took her to the emergency vet and discovered she has parvo. Because we cannot afford additional hospitilization, we have decided to try and treat her at home the best we can. The chances of her survival is 50/50.

I know that God is able to heal this puppy. I know that He cares about all the things we care about both big and small. I know He can perform a medical miracle on this angel. For these things, I have been praying for non-stop.

I took her to the day vet earlier this evening. Her temperature is normal. She has been drinking fluids. Her gums are pink in color. She seems to be doing much better. However, she is not out of the woods yet.

I'm begging all of you guys to pray for her. We want her to be completely healed. I trust that God will do this. If He does, I will praise Him. If He doesn't, I will still praise Him.

Your will be done God.

A Happy Day

This morning I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. My father was heading this way and wanted me to meet him for lunch. Of course I agreed! We had a wonderful lunch and then afterwards he took me shopping. I'm so very blessed to have my father. He is amazing, and I couldn't have asked for a better father.

Afterwards, I found a potential job at a local flower shop as a floral designer. I talked to the owner today, and I'm going to meet with the manager tomorrow. Also, I had submitted my resume with a job placement company a few weeks back. They had informed me of potential jobs, but I wasn't hired for any... Until today.. :) Next week I will be working for a local city doing administrative/customer service work. It is only a week long, but it will be nice paycheck. I'm so glad God has given me something to do until I find the right, permanent job!

I had an interview with the local police department yesterday morning for a 911 dispatcher position. By far, it was the most intimidating interview I have ever had. It was in a board room and there were two people interviewing me. The gentleman was the Chief of Police and he had a gun strapped to his belt. I have grown up around guns, and my father is a police officer, but it was still pretty intimidating. Because I was intimidated, I don't think I came across as confident in my answers to their questions. Hopefully though, they can see past that and call me for a second interview.. The job itself sounds very challenging, but I feel up to it! We shall see how it goes!

Life Questions and Some Realizations

Lately I've been thinking about everything I want out of life. What do I want to be? Where do I want to live? What do I want to accomplish? I've been asking myself these questions practically all of my life, but I'm realizing that I'm getting older, and I need to make decisions and stick to them.

For the past few years, I've put my needs, desires, etc. on the back burner. I based everything on my husband and his career. That's not a bad thing by any means, but I was using those things as an excuse, and not accomplishing anything of my own. I'm finding that I can't do that anymore. Of course, I have to be mindful of him, but I need to fulfill myself as well.

I've been considering going back to college for a while now. I still don't know what would be my major. I don't even know where I would attend school. I'm trying to consider my options, but it's so hard when I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I'm good at office work, but I don't want to be chained to a desk the rest of my life. I know I want to help people. I've always known that God has given me a huge heart for people, and it's my desire to put it to good work. 

I've thought about nursing, but I would have to get over my weak stomach. Also, I know there's a lot of heart break in that field. It would devastate me if someone died or recieved horrible news. I know it's also a very rewarding career, but I'm trying to decide if it's worth the heart break that comes along with it.

I've also thought about cosmetology because I know I would be good at it. I would do it just because it's fun, but it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to help people in a deeper way than cutting their hair or making them feel pretty.

~

When I was younger, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, and I was going to accomplish them all. As an adult, I've realized there are things I can't do (like be a professional singer :)). Somethings I have talked myself out of doing because I don't feel capable or worthy of. It frustrates me to pieces that I have allowed my insecurities to rob me of my faith in myself. I wish I could go back to the place where my dreams seemed attainable.

When I was 17, I was watching a Barbara Walter's special called, "Born in My Heart." It was about adoption and Romanian orphanages. During that special, I felt God tug on my heart and say,"That's what I want you to do." I was absolutely elated. I felt so honored that the God of the Universe wanted me to work with these poor children who have no love.

Also, during my freshman year of college, I was writing a paper about what I wanted to do in life. In the process of writing it, I realized that God specifically called me to love the unloved. Yes, we are all called to do this, but I felt as though it was my specific mission.

Over the next year, I had a hard time coping with being an adult. As I was thrust into the world alone, I realized I really didn't know who I was. Through searching and struggling, I began to see glimpses of who I was, both good and bad. I lost sight of what God wanted in this processes and I would beg Him to show me. Of course He did, but it was in His time. I remember while I was researching something on the computer for school, I came upon some missionary website. Again, I felt God say, "This is what you I meant for you to do." I felt such a peace in my heart about it.

Around that time I got involved in a pretty charismatic church. Because of some of the things I was exposed to, I was misguided. After being involved for quite some time, I started realizing things didn't add up. I was so confused and troubled about the things that were being taught. Eventually, something happened with this group that pushed me far away from God. I was angry with Him. I was hurt and so confused that I strayed far away from my beliefs for many years.

Looking back I see that God didn't want me involved and the some things that were being taught were not scriptual at all. However, I was pushed so far away that I'm still finding it hard to come back to the place I know is right and pure. I question what is right and what is wrong. I'm still so confused. Because of all of this, I wonder how I'm ever going to do what God wants me to do with my life. I have quite the mess to sort out in my life. I know it's going to take some time to do, so in the waiting, I'm trying to figure out how to best move forward.

Life can be some complicated. I'm learning that it never turns out the way you think it will. Sometimes that alone is a hard thing to grasp. It's hard not to become bitter, frustrated, or angry that other people get to have the life I always wanted.. On top of that, they get it so easily it seems. In my head, I know I may have it harder than some because God wants to grow or change something within me. My heart has a harder time grasping that though. None the less, I need to move forward.

In the waiting, I pray for wisdom and understanding. I pray for growth and change. I also pray for forgiveness. I pray that God will show me how to move forward.

An Age Old Question

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This is a question that's been running in my head the last few hours. Earlier tonight I found out that a friend of mine's husband was killed in Afghanistan this past weekend. My heart breaks their family. What pain and sadness they must be going through. No one deserves to go through this, but especially not them. My friend is one of the sweetest, most kind people I've ever met. Her and her husband loved each other so much.. Why did this have to happen to them?

I'm praying for understanding in this area. I know God's ways are not our own, and we may never understand His ways this side of eternity, but even knowing that doesn't seem like enough. I wish I could understand why those who are good and are kind have to endure more hurt in their lifetime than those who are truly terrible people. It doesn't make any sense to me.

Life in NWA

Well we are finally settled into our house and routine and things are going great. I absolutely love being in Northwest Arkansas again! It's so nice to be close to family and great shopping. I'm only a few minutes away from the mall.. A girls dream come true!

I have been steadily looking for a job, but haven't had any luck. So far I've put out around 30 applications, and haven't really heard anything. I know the economy is bad, but I'm hoping something will come available soon.

My grandparents have been in town this last week, and it's been really nice to see them. They live in California, and so we usually only see them every couple of years. Tonight I had to say goodbye to them, and that's always hard. I really wish they lived closer.

Anyways, it's a short update, but not a lot of notable things have been going on lately. :)

Getting On Track

There have been a lot of changes in our lives since Travis was discharged from the Army. Having him here has been an adjustment for me. I was without him for six weeks and during that time I was able to live life as a single person, so to speak. I was living alone and could go and do whatever I pleased. I was able to go visit with people, make my own schedule, etc. It was nice, but lonely. When Travis arrived, we both had to adjust to married life again. It was a little challenging, but over all, it's been very nice.

I was worried that he would have a hard time adjusting to civilian life, but he has really surprised me. He has really eased into his new role as a civilian. He's more relaxed and more active. He has started a few new projects around the house. He has taken up gardening and raising quails. We bought a bbq/smoker the other day, and he has been smoking like crazy. I'm really enjoying my civilian husband!

We have decided to commit to getting healthy together. For the past week we have been eating healthy meals and have gone to the gym. As a result, I've lost 8lbs so far. (YAY!!!)

As for me, I have committed to keep a clean house. I'm also making myself cook more meals, as oppose to eating out. Also, I'm learning the fine art of couponing in order to save us tons of money. For the first time in a long time, I'm trying to be the best wife I can be.

A New Life

Today was D-Day for our household... Discharge Day that is! My husband put on his uniform for the last time and signed the papers. He's now retired from the Army! This process has been extremely long and hard for our family, and I'm so glad it's over with. They gave him a flag and then they even gave me an award for standing by him through this process! How neat is that?

On Sunday Travis will be flying in from New York so that we can start our new life together. It's scary and exciting at the same time. It's going to be new and different. When you're in a military family, you're always told where to go and what to do, and that has been our life for the last three years, and our whole marriage. This time we're out on our own making our own choices. I hope it's going to be a wonderful adventure!

I've partially moved into our little duplex in Northwest Arkansas. I have a couch, an air mattress, plastic dishes and utensils, and very few decorations, as the majority of my belongings are loaded in a moving truck in New York. Even so, after 3 long years in New York, I finally feel at home and so very cozy! It's such a nice feeling-- one that I've missed for so long.

I've greatly enjoyed being able to spend time with my family and friends. I've been able to re-aquaint myself with my little nephews, and getting to know my new niece. I've also been able to spend time with my family's dog, Cocoa, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do ever again, as she had been diagnosed with cancer some months back. I've been able to drive around and see some of my favorite places. I cannot express how much joy all of these things have brought me.

For the first time in a long time I feel at peace, at home, comfortable, joyful, and am thrilled about the future.

A Home of Our Own

Less than an hour after posting my last blog, I got a call from a realtor telling me that we were approved for renting an amazing house! God sure does work quickly!

For months I have been thinking about all of the features I would want in a rental:

* A fenced in yard for the dog

* Hardwood floors (carpet collects nasty things that aggrevate my asthma & they're gorgeous!)

* A kitchen with lots of cabinet space

* 2 bedrooms

* A fireplace

* A garage

* Great neighborhood

* Cheap!

Even though I wanted all of these things, I knew the likelihood of finding all of these qualities would be slim to none... I've spent countless hours looking through housing ads and looking at homes. After an unsuccessful day of house hunting in Springfield, I decided to look for places in the Rogers/Bentonville area. As I was browsing through ads, I opened one ad with tons of wonderful features.. As I was showing my mom she said, "This is the one!!" I thought it was wonderful, so I e-mailed the realtor. She showed me the house and I couldn't believe it.. It had everything I wanted, except the hardwood floors. As she was showing me around, the maintenance man came in and started pulling up the carpet. They said that the previous tenants had animals that trashed the carpet, so they were pulling it up to put in hardwood floors!!! Needless to say, I was estatic! I applied for the house, and now it's mine!

Yet again, God has shown that He cares about the things we care about, no matter how insignificant they are. Of course I was going to find a home, but He went above that and gave me all that I wanted and more. Also,  I'm now seeing that when things aren't quite working out and you feel frustrated and abandoned in the process, He's actually gone ahead of you and is preparing something even more wonderful.. We just have to be patient and keep our eyes focused on Him or else we get lost in the small things and miss the blessings He has for us.

A Fish Out of Water

Right now I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like I've been scooped up out of my familiarities and placed on a table, not knowing if I can find a way back to my tank.

In New York, I had my home, my husband, my routines. Now, I have none of that. I'm going between my parent's house and my friend's house. They are always completely hospitable and I greatly appreciate their generosity. And while I absolutely love being with my family and friends, I feel alone and out of place.

Since I've been here, I've been looking for a home, however, I've not had much luck. Either it's too expensive, it reeks of mildew, or no one returns my phone calls. It has been such a frustrating experience. With all of this going on, I'm asking myself if I made the right decision to move down here. Maybe I jumped when I wasn't suppose to jump? I feel so uneasy.

I'm longing for comfort and familiarity. I want to feel at peace with the decision we made to move down here. I miss my husband so much and I miss our life together. I miss having a place of our own. I really don't like having to rely on others to give me a roof over my head. I don't like not having a plan or having some smidgen of an idea of what's going to happen today or tomorrow.

I'm sorry for complaining.. Being alone has given me too much time to think and worry. I pray that very soon God gives me some direction, a place to live, and His peace that passes all understanding.

Good News

This morning Travis called me with some exciting news! He found out today that he will start clearing on the 19th of this month and his last day in the Army will be June 4th! After 26 months, he's finally going to be out!

Also, he told me that in the next few weeks he wants me to go down to the post office to get a passport.. Why? Because he wants to go on vacation within the next year! Where? Where ever I want!! Finally a wonderful vacation with just my hubby and I! We were never able to go on a honeymoon so this will be exciting!

Life As of Late

About a week ago, I packed up and moved down to Arkansas. I packed up the car with some of my things and three dogs. God spared me from a terrible accident only hours into my drive. I was driving down the interstate when this semi started weaving in and out of traffic almost running me and a few other cars off the road. I felt that God wanted me to slow down quite a bit and let this guy get quite a bit, so I did. About an hour later traffic started picking up. After being stuck in traffic for about a half an hour I passed the scene of a horrible accident. Some how the same semi that ran me off the road blew up.. I don't know if another car was involved or not, but it was bad. Thank God I was not close enough to have been involved!

Since I arrived in Arkansas, I've spent a lot of time catching up with family and friends. It's been amazing! I've also been looking for a house or an apartment to live in, and have had horrible luck. Everything I've seen so far has been in poor condition and has reeked of mildew. Hopefully I'll find something really soon so that I can start looking for a job.

Travis is still in the Army, but he shouldn't be in for long. We're hoping that he'll be out in about 3 weeks or so. I miss him terribly! He finally received his VA rating, and was granted 100%+ disability. This is such a huge blessing for us, as we were expecting 60%. God is good!

About two months ago, God started dealing with me in regards to one of my past friends with whom I had a huge falling out with about 2 years ago. Little did I know that God was also working on her as well. A few weeks later, I received an e-mail from her. Ever since, we've been exchanging a few e-mails back and forth. Well, last week I was able to meet with her. We had a wonderful time and we were able to work through a lot of our past hurts. It's amazing to see how God started working on both of us at the same time! I'm so glad that God worked in our situation.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to try to post more as I start to get settled.

Mind and Body

Last night Travis and I had an oh-so-wonderful heart to heart. You know, one of those talks are NEVER fun, however, when you're through with them, you generally feel enlightened and inspired. We talked about our future and things that are holding us back from achieving what we wanted out of life. We talked about my weight and how much I struggle with fixing this issue that I have. I told him that even though in my head I want to work out, my body never feels up to the challenge. My body always tends to crave something so strongly that I end up giving in even though my mind is screaming "NOOO!"

Travis then made a very interesting observation... He said that it seems that I've let my body control my mind instead of the other way around. Then he showed me this quote that he had found... 

"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."

                                    - George S. Patton, U.S. Army General, 1912 Olympian

Needless to say, the lightbulb came on. Really, how many times have I let my body decide what I was or wasn't going to do. How many times have workouts or chores been neglected because I didn't feel up to something? How many times have I eaten in such an unhealthy manner because my body told me to? Rarely have I forsaken the wants of my body. Rarely have I given my body what it needs (a figurative kick in the fanny.)

So begins the process of training my mind to think for itself.

Tough Times

This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've had in quite some time. As I've stated before, my husband has PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder.) This week, he's been struggling a lot lately in regards to the cause of this disorder, and has decided that he needs some additional help. The opportunity has arisen for him to seek additional help down in Texas using the best program in the country for PTSD. This program is 28 days long and he could leave as early as this week.

After he made the decision to go, we talked about me packing up and moving down south to set up our home. I didn't want to be in New York by myself for a month, and I felt that I could be closer to him and could visit him occassionally during this program. Plus, he would only be in the Army a few more weeks after he returned.

I started making arrangements to move within a week, and was looking at plane tickets so my best friend could fly up here to help me. Unfortunately, all of that fell through, so we changed plans. As it's looking now, I'm going to move at the beginning of next month. That will give me more time to pack and look for a new home and a job.

Yesterday we hit a snag in the decisions that we had already made. My husband is now thinking that he doesn't want to go to this program and that he can fix the issues that he has. I'm absolutely at a loss. I really believe that going would be the best thing for him. I know he will learn useful tools on how to cope and forgive himself and others. However, I can't convince him that it's really going to help him. It's absolutely frustrating and heartbreaking.

He says the reason he doesn't want to go is that he doesn't want to be treated as a crazy person or a prisoner, which I can understand. Although he won't admit it, I think the main reason he's holding back is because he doesn't want to deal with the pain this will cause. He knows that in order to heal, he's going to have to deal with the stuff that he's been surpressing for so long. He's going to have to feel, and I think that scares him.

We need a lot of prayer. I want him to actually go to this program and to begin the healing process. I need the strength to deal with a time of lonliness and the stress that comes with moving. I thank you all and I hope you had a wonderful Easter.

Mishka's Babies

Adak

Lola

Niko

Maia & Akira

Happy Mom

A basket full of joy

Beautiful family

Happy Birthday?

Growing up, my family went all out on our birthdays. It usually started out with my parents waking me up by singing "Happy Birthday" and was followed by my favorite breakfast (which was always my dad's biscuits and gravy.) Throughout the day, I got to pick everything I wanted to do (within reason, of course.) My parents made our birthday completely about us. Because of this, I naturally feel like everyone should be treated in this manner on their birthday... But what if they don't want to be?

This is a question I've had to ask myself a lot lately, as my husband says he doesn't like the attention. For my husband, a birthday is a reminder of all the painful ones he had growing up. His birthday was another excuse for his mom to throw an adult party, which meant alcohol and drugs. Even as a child, his day was not about him at all. His brother and sisters all have wonderful birthdays and are spoiled ridiculously, but never Travis. As an adult, he doesn't receive birthday cards or even phone calls from his family.

Lately we've had conversations about what he wants to do for his birthday. He has told me that he would just prefer it if I didn't make any fuss about it because "it's just another day." This absolutely breaks my heart. As a wife, I just want to fix his pain with all that I have. I want to be able to give him the most amazing day on his birthday so that he can forget all the bad ones he's ever had. I really think he wants to have amazing birthdays, but the memories of past birthdays and his family keep him from doing so.

So how can this barrier be eliminated? Will it ever be? Even though his family may not show that they treasure him, I want my husband to know how much I rejoice that he's been given another year of life. I want him to celebrate it too. I feel so helpless though. I fight the urge to get furious and resentful towards his mother. How dare someone steal something as precious a happy birthday away from someone and not even care.

As my husband's birthday approaches in just a few hours, I pray that God would perform a miracle. One that includes forgiveness and healing. I pray for a day of joy. I pray that my husband does have a happy birthday after all.

Life as I Currently Know It

To my faithful readers: I do apologize greatly for not posting anything in over a week, as my mind has been on other things. Because my mind is still else where, I thought I would give a quick update on what's going on with us.

First of all, we received some great news... Travis received his revamped NARSUM back and was able to sign it yesterday. This is a very huge step in the medical discharge process. Now we wait for a disability rating from the VA along with a discharge date. The woman said it could be another month or two. I've heard that before! Hopefully I will be able to spend this spring in the Ozarks?!

Secondly, we received even better news: Mishka is not only having 2-3 puppies, she is actually having FIVE! This time they took an x-ray of her belly instead doing of an ultrasound. With the x-ray you can see the skull masses and the spinal cords, but not really much else. Regardless, it was really neat to see. Also, she's gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks! I couldn't believe it was that much. I knew she was getting bigger, but 10 lbs?! She normally weighs 37lbs, so 10lbs is a lot for her.

As her delivery day draws near, I have been spending at least 30 minutes or more each day educating myself on the whelping process and puppy care. I have cleaned out an entire room for Mishka and her pups so that they can have a quiet private area to themselves. I have also made her a whelping bed and have collected "must haves" for the delivery and early care of the pups. I have even gone as far as to watch puppy deliveries on youtube to prepare myself (mainly my stomach) for what's to come. With all of this stressing, studying, and preparing, you would think that I was the one having a baby! ;) Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right?

Well, that's all for now.. I will try to update soon!

Where? Down in My Heart!

For the first time in a very long time I woke up not only completely rested, but with an immense feeling of joy inside of me. I mean, I can literally feel it! It's so amazing!

Sure, I generally feel happy, but I have not felt joyful in quite a while. You may wonder what the difference is between the two, so I'll explain. In my opinion, happiness is solely based on circumstance and can disappear in the blink of an eye. Joy, however, isn't based on circumstance and it doesn't disappear in a moment. Joy is not only a happy feeling, but it is also a feeling of hope, contentment, and amazing peace. True joy is a sweet gift from God. So thank you God!

My Inspiration for Losing Weight

1. Roller Coasters
Because of the harnessing or weight limits on most rides, I have been unable to ride roller coasters for the past few years. Riding roller coasters is my absolute favorite thing to do. It pains me to go to Silver Dollar City or the county fair and watch my husband ride roller coasters without me. I miss the thrill and excitement that they bring. I also miss the feeling in your gut when your about to drop down a hill. I want to experience that this summer.

2. Shopping
When your overweight, your limited to stores like Lane Bryant. When I go to the mall with my girl friends, I can only browse the accessories section. In the meantime, I feel like everyone is thinking, "Why is this cow in here?" I don't want to have to feel or shop that way. I want to go into a skinny girl's store and find amazing deals on cute clothes. I want to shop with ease.

3. My Husband
Every woman wants her husband to find her utterly desirable. While my husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, I want him to also think I'm incredibly sexy! I want to be the absolute best I can be for him. Also, I will be able to do more activities with him (hiking, kayaking, etc). When that happens, we will gain more common interests which will in turn draw us closer as a couple.

4. Babies!
More than anything, I want to be a mother. Because my weight is mostly the reason I have PCOS (besides the actual cysts themselves), at this time, I cannot have a child. Also, I wouldn't want to put my child's life in danger because I'm unhealthy. So, once I have lost a considerable amount of weight, we will start trying to have a baby. Plus, when I do finally become a mother, I want to be an active mother for my children. I also want to be a good influence on them as far as health, exercise, and nutrition are concerned.

5. Overall Health
I will be able to move about without hurting my back or losing my breath. I will be able to do more for a longer period of time, as I will have more energy. My PCOS will get better. My foot would probably start to heal when there's not so much weight on it. I will be able to sleep better.

6. I Can Serve God Better.
Obesity is a sin as God never intended us to live this way. He designed us to be healthy, and as stated in the Bible, our body is His temple. When you're living in sin, you can serve God effectively. Also, I won't have physical and emotional limitations as I do now because of my weight.

7. I Will Live a Longer Life.
We all know that added weight can shorten your life. I only have one shot at this life on earth, I don't need to shorten it.

8. Self-Esteem
This one is huge for me. As I've stated before, most moments in my day are thoughts about my weight and how people view me. Also, I think about all the things I want to do but can't because of my weight. Once I lose weight, I know my self-esteem will improve immensely. Once that improves, I will gain the confidence that I need to accomplish everything I've ever wanted to do.

9. Chairs
It is absolutely exhausting having to consider your weight in everything you do, especially the little things. Before I sit in a chair I've never been in, I pray that it does not capsize underneath me. Of course, it never has, but I don't want to have to think about it. Also, I'm so fortunate that I haven't been kicked off an airplane yet because of their chairs. Grant it I don't fly much, but when I have, it's been a struggle. First of all, it's hard to get a big butt in those seats. Secondly, I've literally had to rub elbows and knees with the person next to me because I can't sit properly. Finally, the seatbelts are an issue. Sad to say, unless I'm on a plush airplane, I don't fit in their seatbelts. Because having to ask for a seatbelt extension is absolutely humiliating, I've developed a way to ride a plane without having to buckle. The answer? A jacket. Draping a jacket across your lap or putting it over your shoulders so that the stewardess doesn't boot you off the plane or give you an extension is completely ingenious, but also very unnecessary. I want to ride with ease and comfort.

10. WOW!
Have you imagined yourself walking in a room and everyone turning their heads? Have you ever wanted people to say that you look fabulous or amazing? I have. Even though I'll probably never turn heads, I do want to leave people with a lasting impression of me. I also want people to say, "You look AMAZING!" Some may call that conceded, but I don't think it is. We all want to look our best and be our best, and we want people to recognize that. I don't want people to view me differently because of my size and I don't want people to remember me as "the big woman". I want people to know me as a woman who takes pride in how she looks and treats people with absolute kindness and hospitality. I want to leave a "WOW" impression on everyone I meet. I also want to wow my family and my friends, as they have seen my struggles over the years. Finally, I want to WOW my former classmates at our reunion this summer.
~
This list has taken me time and a lot of thought for me to complete. Sure, there are many other inspirations, but the ones I've listed are huge for me. I had to write this down so that I could remember in the hard times why I'm doing what I'm doing. Also, I wanted to encourage anyone who needs an inspiration for accomplishing a particular goal, whatever it may be.

Sometimes we lose sight of the things we desire because of a few negatives, but if we are mindful of all of the positives, we are more likely to push towards our goal. If you have a goal in mind, I highly encourage you to write down your inspirations for completing this goal. Also, I would place this list in a place you can see every day so that you have the daily reminder of what you want to do or become. Who knows, it may not only inspire you, but it may inspire your loved ones as well.

A Blessing

Because I do not have many pretty things to decorate my home with or a lot of money to spend, I've been looking into inexpensive, creative ways to decorate. Well, yesterday I saw a picture of a big, but cheap mirror that was hanging on the wall above a dresser. I thought it looked amazing, so I saved a picture of it in my wishes folder.

Last night, we were about to pull in our driveway, when we noticed some things piled out on my neighbor's curb right next to their trash can... Guess what was there?

It is completely flawless, so I have no idea why they were trashing it! Also, it's even more fancy than the one I was looking at! This goes to show you that God cares about the things we care about- no matter how small.

Frustration, Failure, and Disappointment

Failure isn't an option, right? Well, guess what? I did it. And because I did it, I have felt so guilty and frustrated with myself that I haven't blogged. You know, it's one thing to put yourself out there for the world when you're doing good at something, but it's a whole other ball game when you put yourself out for the world to see your failures. But, I'm finally swallowing my pride and putting it out there. I failed.

It started the morning after I posted my goal. I received criticism and discouragement for this goal, and stupidly, I let it get me down. Shortly after I let it get me down, I started craving Chinese food in the worst way. Then the next day, I went with my friend Sonja to a Chinese buffet, and I had way too much to eat. I was so disappointed in myself. Then, afterwards, I went with her to grab her belongings from Stream (where I used to work). While I was there, a few of my old co-workers were very rude to me, which really upset me. Shortly after, I was suppose to go to the gym to work out, but because I ate so much, I felt like crap and didn't go. All of this combined let to frustration, which ultimately led to my failure.

Since then, I had let my initial failure lead to other failures on a daily basis, resulting in a 2lb weight gain.  I'm so ashamed of myself. I let Satan have the victory.

However, I know God doesn't want me to give up. He has, in fact, used different things to give me encouragement. The biggest one was my mother. This morning I called my mom and she asked me how I was doing with my weight loss. I told her what I was going through, and she helped me put these things in proper perspective. She also told me that my blog helped her, and that her and my dad are proud of me. That meant so much to me. The whole conversation was the push that I needed. So, here I am, back on my wagon, riding towards a better future.

Mom, thank you so much. You inspire me!