My New Beginning

Today I am divorced.

Surprisingly enough, I'm not sad. I'm actually excited.

Isn't that odd?

I have experienced every emotion under the sun due to this divorce. I was so afraid of how I was going to be once this was all said and done. I imagined myself scared and sad, but I'm neither.

I'm so relieved.

I feel as though a burden has been lifted off of me.

Even though I knew I wasn't happy in the marriage, I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was.

I feel as though my life is my own again.

No longer do I have to walk on eggshells with someone.

I don't have to be suspicious if he's with another woman.

I can buy what I want when I want, and I don't have to made to feel guilty.

I can go wherever I want to.

I can be the woman God intended me to be.

I feel as though I can finally exhale.

~

Feelings of Divorce: Denial and Acceptance

Throughout this divorce, I've gone through so many stages and emotions- anger, grief, denial, guilt, peace, etc. It has been the wildest roller coaster of emotions I've every experienced (one that I wish I could get off of). Recently, my mother showed me a cycle diagram that an old family friend wrote up about the feelings you encounter during divorce and the steps you take to recovery. I was absolutely surprised that I had gone through most of them, but I was even more shocked to know that all that I was feeling was normal.

The emotions I want to touch on tonight are denial and acceptance.

This really isn't over with.

Surely this can be fixed.

We're going to be married "until death do us part".

Although the end of our marriage was a long time coming, when we finally made the decision to do it, I was in extreme denial of the situation. At times, I really thought things could work out. For quite awhile after the decision was made, I didn't tell anyone. Part of the reason I didn't say anything was because I couldn't believe it myself. I wanted so badly for this to be a nightmare that I could wake up from. After a while, I realized that wasn't going to happen and I had to accept what was to come: I was getting a divorce.

Denial has been such a hard emotion to go through. It often leads to prayers and thoughts that my marriage can be saved. That isn't a bad thing by any means, but I had allowed my heart to be open to the possibility of saving this marriage, only for the possibilities to be shut down by my husband, and that was so devastating. Once I finally came to terms with the inevitable end, this eventually brought forth feelings of peace and even joy. I was so scared to accept this divorce because only then would it be real to me. Little did I know that acceptance would then bring forth restoration; a gradual healing of my heart and mind.

Letting Go Is Hard To Do...

As some of you know, Travis and I are in a very weird situation.

We are living together.

Because we had signed a lease on this place we're renting, and because of financial situations, we decided to continue living together for a few months. We are both in seperate bedrooms, and for the most part, we get along fantastically. So far, so good.

Well, it's starting to get tough. He is moving on, and has started seeing someone else. I am, however, still very emotionally attached and am not moving on as I should be. I am broken-hearted and am still very much in love with this man. It absolutely kills me that he's with someone else. My mind begins to wander about what they are doing, if she's prettier than me, and so on. I drive myself absolutely crazy.

I knew this was bound to happen, but it's so very hard. I don't think anyone could ever prepare fully for this process in a divorce. It is so hard to let go of someone you love, even if they didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. However, I know it's something I have to do. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I know for sanity's sake I have to.

Feelings of Divorce: Anger

Another one of the oh-so-lovely feelings accompanied by divorce is anger. I am so angry that this had to happen to me. I'm also furious that he seems to be moving on just fine. Why can't he feel the way he has made me feel? Why do I have to be the one who is hurting?

I never deserved to be put in this position. I was a good wife, and I tried so very hard to make this marriage work. I sacrificed so much, and what do I get in return? A divorce. And the cherry on the cake is I get to see him moving on.

Two weeks after we made the decision to get a divorce, he has already started dating. How can he just move on and toss me to the curb like I'm nothing?

Needless to say, I'm absolutely furious.

Feelings of Divorce: Grief

One of the feelings I have been going through since starting this process is grief. As I've stated before, divorce is like a death, and I feel as if I've lost my best friend. My heart has been torn in a million pieces, and it feels as though it'll never be whole again.
I never wanted this to happen to me, and I honestly thought I would never go through this, but here I am in the midst of a divorce. I grew up in a christian home, and I believe in the Bible and God to my very core. I know divorce isn't Biblical. I hate the fact that I've been put in the position where divorce is necessary.

My marriage has been a constant struggle, even more so than most couples. I fought very hard to make it work, and it feels like all of that work was in vain. I feel as though my efforts have been wasted. I feel like a failure, even though I know I've done all that I can. Some people would say that I haven't tried, but not knowing the circumstances, I would find them completely ignorant.

No one ever deserves to know the pain of divorce. It's one of the very worst things I've ever had to go through. I feel as if I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I don't feel as though I'm really living my life. I feel so alone, even though I have an amazing support system around me. My tears seem never ending. My heart literally hurts. I don't feel as though I could love again. Sometimes I don't feel very hopeful of the future. I try to imagine the future and it all seems so bleak. I don't like feeling this way at all.

I wish that there was a shot or something that would make me numb to the pain I feel. I wish I could go on a vacation so that I could forget everything. Unfortunately there isn't a shot and I can't go on vacation.  I have to trudge forth and live out each day dealing with every emotion that comes my way.

I'm trying to cling to God's Word and His promises.. Although I feel alone and broken hearted, I know that He is with me. This is what is getting me through.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

The End

Last week was mine and Travis' third and final wedding anniversary.

For most of you this won't come as a surprise, as you have known some of the struggles Travis and I have faced in the last few years. With all that has happened and with the paths we wish to take in the future, we have mutually decided to part ways. This decision was not easy, but it has been a decision that has been made after much consideration.

Divorce is a devastating thing. I'm finding that it is like a death. It's a death of a love and a life that has been built. It's something I never wanted to experience in my lifetime. I know that I have fought as hard as I could to make this marriage work. Unfortunately, I'm finding that some things can go beyond our control. I have to believe that God has some greater plan that I cannot see right now.

For those of you who don't know the reasoning, I may choose to share it with you one day, but then again, I might not. Details of any divorce can be so painful, and I may not wish to divulge any more information than what I'm putting out here today. If you do not know all of the details, I ask that you not speculate or gossip. I'm already going through enough, and I don't need the added stress or worry of mine or my husband's name being run through the mud. It is my sincere hope that people would be respectful of my feelings and my privacy in this matter.

I also ask that during this time that you lift Travis and I up in your prayers. We so desperately need it. We wish to walk away from this marriage with absolutely no bitterness or hard feelings toward each other.

Thank you to all of you who have prayed and encouraged us over the last few years. It has meant a lot, and I will never forget the kindness you have shown us.