Where? Down in My Heart!

For the first time in a very long time I woke up not only completely rested, but with an immense feeling of joy inside of me. I mean, I can literally feel it! It's so amazing!

Sure, I generally feel happy, but I have not felt joyful in quite a while. You may wonder what the difference is between the two, so I'll explain. In my opinion, happiness is solely based on circumstance and can disappear in the blink of an eye. Joy, however, isn't based on circumstance and it doesn't disappear in a moment. Joy is not only a happy feeling, but it is also a feeling of hope, contentment, and amazing peace. True joy is a sweet gift from God. So thank you God!

My Inspiration for Losing Weight

1. Roller Coasters
Because of the harnessing or weight limits on most rides, I have been unable to ride roller coasters for the past few years. Riding roller coasters is my absolute favorite thing to do. It pains me to go to Silver Dollar City or the county fair and watch my husband ride roller coasters without me. I miss the thrill and excitement that they bring. I also miss the feeling in your gut when your about to drop down a hill. I want to experience that this summer.

2. Shopping
When your overweight, your limited to stores like Lane Bryant. When I go to the mall with my girl friends, I can only browse the accessories section. In the meantime, I feel like everyone is thinking, "Why is this cow in here?" I don't want to have to feel or shop that way. I want to go into a skinny girl's store and find amazing deals on cute clothes. I want to shop with ease.

3. My Husband
Every woman wants her husband to find her utterly desirable. While my husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, I want him to also think I'm incredibly sexy! I want to be the absolute best I can be for him. Also, I will be able to do more activities with him (hiking, kayaking, etc). When that happens, we will gain more common interests which will in turn draw us closer as a couple.

4. Babies!
More than anything, I want to be a mother. Because my weight is mostly the reason I have PCOS (besides the actual cysts themselves), at this time, I cannot have a child. Also, I wouldn't want to put my child's life in danger because I'm unhealthy. So, once I have lost a considerable amount of weight, we will start trying to have a baby. Plus, when I do finally become a mother, I want to be an active mother for my children. I also want to be a good influence on them as far as health, exercise, and nutrition are concerned.

5. Overall Health
I will be able to move about without hurting my back or losing my breath. I will be able to do more for a longer period of time, as I will have more energy. My PCOS will get better. My foot would probably start to heal when there's not so much weight on it. I will be able to sleep better.

6. I Can Serve God Better.
Obesity is a sin as God never intended us to live this way. He designed us to be healthy, and as stated in the Bible, our body is His temple. When you're living in sin, you can serve God effectively. Also, I won't have physical and emotional limitations as I do now because of my weight.

7. I Will Live a Longer Life.
We all know that added weight can shorten your life. I only have one shot at this life on earth, I don't need to shorten it.

8. Self-Esteem
This one is huge for me. As I've stated before, most moments in my day are thoughts about my weight and how people view me. Also, I think about all the things I want to do but can't because of my weight. Once I lose weight, I know my self-esteem will improve immensely. Once that improves, I will gain the confidence that I need to accomplish everything I've ever wanted to do.

9. Chairs
It is absolutely exhausting having to consider your weight in everything you do, especially the little things. Before I sit in a chair I've never been in, I pray that it does not capsize underneath me. Of course, it never has, but I don't want to have to think about it. Also, I'm so fortunate that I haven't been kicked off an airplane yet because of their chairs. Grant it I don't fly much, but when I have, it's been a struggle. First of all, it's hard to get a big butt in those seats. Secondly, I've literally had to rub elbows and knees with the person next to me because I can't sit properly. Finally, the seatbelts are an issue. Sad to say, unless I'm on a plush airplane, I don't fit in their seatbelts. Because having to ask for a seatbelt extension is absolutely humiliating, I've developed a way to ride a plane without having to buckle. The answer? A jacket. Draping a jacket across your lap or putting it over your shoulders so that the stewardess doesn't boot you off the plane or give you an extension is completely ingenious, but also very unnecessary. I want to ride with ease and comfort.

10. WOW!
Have you imagined yourself walking in a room and everyone turning their heads? Have you ever wanted people to say that you look fabulous or amazing? I have. Even though I'll probably never turn heads, I do want to leave people with a lasting impression of me. I also want people to say, "You look AMAZING!" Some may call that conceded, but I don't think it is. We all want to look our best and be our best, and we want people to recognize that. I don't want people to view me differently because of my size and I don't want people to remember me as "the big woman". I want people to know me as a woman who takes pride in how she looks and treats people with absolute kindness and hospitality. I want to leave a "WOW" impression on everyone I meet. I also want to wow my family and my friends, as they have seen my struggles over the years. Finally, I want to WOW my former classmates at our reunion this summer.
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This list has taken me time and a lot of thought for me to complete. Sure, there are many other inspirations, but the ones I've listed are huge for me. I had to write this down so that I could remember in the hard times why I'm doing what I'm doing. Also, I wanted to encourage anyone who needs an inspiration for accomplishing a particular goal, whatever it may be.

Sometimes we lose sight of the things we desire because of a few negatives, but if we are mindful of all of the positives, we are more likely to push towards our goal. If you have a goal in mind, I highly encourage you to write down your inspirations for completing this goal. Also, I would place this list in a place you can see every day so that you have the daily reminder of what you want to do or become. Who knows, it may not only inspire you, but it may inspire your loved ones as well.

A Blessing

Because I do not have many pretty things to decorate my home with or a lot of money to spend, I've been looking into inexpensive, creative ways to decorate. Well, yesterday I saw a picture of a big, but cheap mirror that was hanging on the wall above a dresser. I thought it looked amazing, so I saved a picture of it in my wishes folder.

Last night, we were about to pull in our driveway, when we noticed some things piled out on my neighbor's curb right next to their trash can... Guess what was there?

It is completely flawless, so I have no idea why they were trashing it! Also, it's even more fancy than the one I was looking at! This goes to show you that God cares about the things we care about- no matter how small.

Frustration, Failure, and Disappointment

Failure isn't an option, right? Well, guess what? I did it. And because I did it, I have felt so guilty and frustrated with myself that I haven't blogged. You know, it's one thing to put yourself out there for the world when you're doing good at something, but it's a whole other ball game when you put yourself out for the world to see your failures. But, I'm finally swallowing my pride and putting it out there. I failed.

It started the morning after I posted my goal. I received criticism and discouragement for this goal, and stupidly, I let it get me down. Shortly after I let it get me down, I started craving Chinese food in the worst way. Then the next day, I went with my friend Sonja to a Chinese buffet, and I had way too much to eat. I was so disappointed in myself. Then, afterwards, I went with her to grab her belongings from Stream (where I used to work). While I was there, a few of my old co-workers were very rude to me, which really upset me. Shortly after, I was suppose to go to the gym to work out, but because I ate so much, I felt like crap and didn't go. All of this combined let to frustration, which ultimately led to my failure.

Since then, I had let my initial failure lead to other failures on a daily basis, resulting in a 2lb weight gain.  I'm so ashamed of myself. I let Satan have the victory.

However, I know God doesn't want me to give up. He has, in fact, used different things to give me encouragement. The biggest one was my mother. This morning I called my mom and she asked me how I was doing with my weight loss. I told her what I was going through, and she helped me put these things in proper perspective. She also told me that my blog helped her, and that her and my dad are proud of me. That meant so much to me. The whole conversation was the push that I needed. So, here I am, back on my wagon, riding towards a better future.

Mom, thank you so much. You inspire me!

First of Many Goals

My goal is that 8 months from now, on September 1st, I will have lost 100 lbs.

On that day, I'm going to get my party dress and high heels on and celebrate!

Failure is not an option.

Things I've Learned Lately

During Christmas vacation, my mom gave me a book that she had purchased called, "Never Say Diet" by Chantel Hobbs. Several days after I had started my blog, I started to read this book. Let me tell you, it's amazing!

The author, Chantel Hobbs, was a 300+ lb woman and a mother of 4 who got absolutely tired of being obese and living the life she was leading. At that point, she cried out to God. After that night she turned her life around with God's help. Now, years later, she has lost 200+ lbs and she's a spinner instructor at her gym.

In this book, she tells about her personal struggle with weight and all the feelings that come with it. She also gives practical advice on how to change. While she does stress eating right and exercising, she goes beyond that and talks about how to change the way you think. If you don't change the way you think about things, you're never going to change for good. In order to tackle our problem we must first deal with the source of the problem, which in this case is your brain.

Anyways, there were several things that she said in the book that really stuck out and made me think. I decided that I would share them:

When pouring her heart out to God the night she decided to change, God told her this:
You are not being the best you can be.

Wow. How true is that? When you're overweight, or not even healthy, you're not living as God intended you to live. Being overweight has affected me in every area of my life, and mostly not for the better. Living this way is a mediocre existance or even a miserable one. God intended us to live a wonderful, joyful existance.

When you're overweight, people never see you for yourself, because they've already marked you as different.

Most of the moments in my day are thoughts of worrying what people think of me. This is extremely overwhelming for me, and it drives me crazy. Knowing the above statement is true in most cases actually put my mind at ease. If I already know what people are thinking, then I don't have to worry about it. God knows who I am underneath the fat, and that alone is what matters.

Start thinking like the person I want to be and not the person I have allowed myself to become.

In order for me to change myself, I can't keep thinking like the fat version of myself. I have to think like the healthy, fit person that I want to be. This means no excuses or feeling self-conscious. This means I now have to learn to love working out and even love how I feel when I go and work out. I have so much to work on in this area, but I'm not going to let that hold me back.

Once you've chosen this path, you're on it for good. There is no good excuse to get off course.

If you're ready to change, get ready to tell yourself the truth.

I had to laugh at this. Not but a couple days before I started reading this book I wrote a whole blog on making excuses. Only days before this, God was dealing with me about this very topic. Making excuses is lying to yourself. Also, not telling yourself the painful truth will hold you back.

If you cheat, you're going to stay fat another day.

This has come to my mind when I'm tempted. I don't want to be fat, and I don't want to feel the feelings that come with being fat one more day than I already have to.

The pain of regret is far worse than the pain of discipline.

Nothing worthwhile is easy.

Amen to that! We can apply this in every area we struggle with. My regret is that I have lost so much time. I could have been living a life of joy, a life with more wonderful memories than I have. Living a healthy life is not easy, but I know it's worthwhile.


We always make time for things we love.

This one hit me the hardest. Do I make time for God? Not as much as I should. Can I really say that I love Him when I don't make time for Him? As I continue on this journey, I'm learning to replace my love of food and laziness for a love of God.

This book has so much to offer, and I'm still reading it. It's a good read, and I would highly recommend it. I'll post more on it at a later time, but for now I have a date with my husband at the gym.

Joy Comes in the Morning

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Psalm 30:5b

After a rough night and poor sleep, I got up and weighed myself. I'm very happy to announce that since January 19th, I've lost 7lbs! I couldn't believe it at first, so I hopped off the scale and back on a couple times. But let me tell you, that little success was a peak moment for me. I feel so blessed and accomplished right now.  For the first time in my life, I'm not thinking, "You've lost 7lbs, so you can treat yourself." Instead I'm thinking, "7lbs! I can't wait to loose more!"

God gave me such a treat this morning. This lifted my spirits so much, and I'm so thankful. In fact, I'm so thankful to God, I'm going to give back to Him by continuing on this new path. He gave me all that I needed these past two weeks so that I could accomplish this task. When I lacked self-control, He gave me the strength. When I lacked willingness, He gave me desire to become the best that I could be. When I felt sad and discouraged, He gave me joy and encouragement.

Continuing on this path to becoming the best I can be is the very least I can do to repay God for all He's done for me.

Tonight's Struggles

Tonight I found out that a dear friend of mine is pregnant. I couldn't be more excited for her. She's wonderful and she deserves it. However, 2 hours after finding out, I became emotional. I started thinking about how much I want a baby, and how frustrated I am that I can't have one for a long time. Needless to say, I began to cry, and even as I sit here writing this, I'm crying.

Two years ago I found out that I have PCOS. This could be due to the fact that I'm overweight, but even healthy women can have PCOS. One doctor told me that it would be difficult to get pregnant, while another one told me that if I lost the weight, my chances were higher.

To make a long story short, my husband and I decided it would be best to wait until I had dropped a considerable amount of weight to start trying to have a baby. While I agreed to those terms, I do have moments where my longing to have a child coupled with the grief of not knowing if I'll be able to have a child becomes so overwhelming. Unfortunately, this is one of those moments.

In these moments I get frustrated that some people have it so easy. A lot of women can get pregnant so easily, and some of those women don't deserve or want their children. I wish that God would only grant children to people that deserved them and wanted them. However, because we live in a corrupted world, that's not going to happen.

Through the tears and frustration, I'm trying to tell myself that I can use this as motivation to continue on this path I've chosen towards better health. However, most times it's easier to succumb to feeling sorry for yourself, and stay exactly where your at, than it is to do something about it. These are my struggles tonight.