My Inspiration for Losing Weight

1. Roller Coasters
Because of the harnessing or weight limits on most rides, I have been unable to ride roller coasters for the past few years. Riding roller coasters is my absolute favorite thing to do. It pains me to go to Silver Dollar City or the county fair and watch my husband ride roller coasters without me. I miss the thrill and excitement that they bring. I also miss the feeling in your gut when your about to drop down a hill. I want to experience that this summer.

2. Shopping
When your overweight, your limited to stores like Lane Bryant. When I go to the mall with my girl friends, I can only browse the accessories section. In the meantime, I feel like everyone is thinking, "Why is this cow in here?" I don't want to have to feel or shop that way. I want to go into a skinny girl's store and find amazing deals on cute clothes. I want to shop with ease.

3. My Husband
Every woman wants her husband to find her utterly desirable. While my husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, I want him to also think I'm incredibly sexy! I want to be the absolute best I can be for him. Also, I will be able to do more activities with him (hiking, kayaking, etc). When that happens, we will gain more common interests which will in turn draw us closer as a couple.

4. Babies!
More than anything, I want to be a mother. Because my weight is mostly the reason I have PCOS (besides the actual cysts themselves), at this time, I cannot have a child. Also, I wouldn't want to put my child's life in danger because I'm unhealthy. So, once I have lost a considerable amount of weight, we will start trying to have a baby. Plus, when I do finally become a mother, I want to be an active mother for my children. I also want to be a good influence on them as far as health, exercise, and nutrition are concerned.

5. Overall Health
I will be able to move about without hurting my back or losing my breath. I will be able to do more for a longer period of time, as I will have more energy. My PCOS will get better. My foot would probably start to heal when there's not so much weight on it. I will be able to sleep better.

6. I Can Serve God Better.
Obesity is a sin as God never intended us to live this way. He designed us to be healthy, and as stated in the Bible, our body is His temple. When you're living in sin, you can serve God effectively. Also, I won't have physical and emotional limitations as I do now because of my weight.

7. I Will Live a Longer Life.
We all know that added weight can shorten your life. I only have one shot at this life on earth, I don't need to shorten it.

8. Self-Esteem
This one is huge for me. As I've stated before, most moments in my day are thoughts about my weight and how people view me. Also, I think about all the things I want to do but can't because of my weight. Once I lose weight, I know my self-esteem will improve immensely. Once that improves, I will gain the confidence that I need to accomplish everything I've ever wanted to do.

9. Chairs
It is absolutely exhausting having to consider your weight in everything you do, especially the little things. Before I sit in a chair I've never been in, I pray that it does not capsize underneath me. Of course, it never has, but I don't want to have to think about it. Also, I'm so fortunate that I haven't been kicked off an airplane yet because of their chairs. Grant it I don't fly much, but when I have, it's been a struggle. First of all, it's hard to get a big butt in those seats. Secondly, I've literally had to rub elbows and knees with the person next to me because I can't sit properly. Finally, the seatbelts are an issue. Sad to say, unless I'm on a plush airplane, I don't fit in their seatbelts. Because having to ask for a seatbelt extension is absolutely humiliating, I've developed a way to ride a plane without having to buckle. The answer? A jacket. Draping a jacket across your lap or putting it over your shoulders so that the stewardess doesn't boot you off the plane or give you an extension is completely ingenious, but also very unnecessary. I want to ride with ease and comfort.

10. WOW!
Have you imagined yourself walking in a room and everyone turning their heads? Have you ever wanted people to say that you look fabulous or amazing? I have. Even though I'll probably never turn heads, I do want to leave people with a lasting impression of me. I also want people to say, "You look AMAZING!" Some may call that conceded, but I don't think it is. We all want to look our best and be our best, and we want people to recognize that. I don't want people to view me differently because of my size and I don't want people to remember me as "the big woman". I want people to know me as a woman who takes pride in how she looks and treats people with absolute kindness and hospitality. I want to leave a "WOW" impression on everyone I meet. I also want to wow my family and my friends, as they have seen my struggles over the years. Finally, I want to WOW my former classmates at our reunion this summer.
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This list has taken me time and a lot of thought for me to complete. Sure, there are many other inspirations, but the ones I've listed are huge for me. I had to write this down so that I could remember in the hard times why I'm doing what I'm doing. Also, I wanted to encourage anyone who needs an inspiration for accomplishing a particular goal, whatever it may be.

Sometimes we lose sight of the things we desire because of a few negatives, but if we are mindful of all of the positives, we are more likely to push towards our goal. If you have a goal in mind, I highly encourage you to write down your inspirations for completing this goal. Also, I would place this list in a place you can see every day so that you have the daily reminder of what you want to do or become. Who knows, it may not only inspire you, but it may inspire your loved ones as well.

Tonight's Struggles

Tonight I found out that a dear friend of mine is pregnant. I couldn't be more excited for her. She's wonderful and she deserves it. However, 2 hours after finding out, I became emotional. I started thinking about how much I want a baby, and how frustrated I am that I can't have one for a long time. Needless to say, I began to cry, and even as I sit here writing this, I'm crying.

Two years ago I found out that I have PCOS. This could be due to the fact that I'm overweight, but even healthy women can have PCOS. One doctor told me that it would be difficult to get pregnant, while another one told me that if I lost the weight, my chances were higher.

To make a long story short, my husband and I decided it would be best to wait until I had dropped a considerable amount of weight to start trying to have a baby. While I agreed to those terms, I do have moments where my longing to have a child coupled with the grief of not knowing if I'll be able to have a child becomes so overwhelming. Unfortunately, this is one of those moments.

In these moments I get frustrated that some people have it so easy. A lot of women can get pregnant so easily, and some of those women don't deserve or want their children. I wish that God would only grant children to people that deserved them and wanted them. However, because we live in a corrupted world, that's not going to happen.

Through the tears and frustration, I'm trying to tell myself that I can use this as motivation to continue on this path I've chosen towards better health. However, most times it's easier to succumb to feeling sorry for yourself, and stay exactly where your at, than it is to do something about it. These are my struggles tonight.

Mirrors vs. Photographs

I love my mirror. For the low price of $5, I purchased a mirror that I'm not afraid to look in. This mirror has been super kind to me. It has made me look smaller than I really am, and because of that, I didn't think I was as bad off as I am... And then I saw my photograph. Needless to say, it was not kind.

Travis and I are starting a new workout program, and we decided to take pictures of ourselves (frontal, side, and back) to see the progress. Well, I uploaded these picture a bit ago, and I am truly appalled. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I let myself get this way.

Looking at my body in this fashion was so painful, yet it was something I needed to see. The reason I say this is if I keep thinking that I'm not that bad off, I'm never going to change. Seeing the pounds on the scale was one thing, but seeing photos of myself wearing a sports bra and capris was the real wake up call.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm only 24 and I should be living my life to the fullest. I shouldn't always wonder what people are thinking about me when I go in public. I should have a fulfilling relationship with my husband, but I can't because of my size. I want to be a mother, but because of my size, I have PCOS, and I can't conceive a child. I want to have an adventurous life, but my weight prohibits me from so. I can't even ride a rollercoaster anymore.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank God for those pictures. They may be ugly, but they have given me a very necessary push in the right direction. Who knows, I may even print a copy to put on my favorite mirror so that I may never loose sight of the lesson that I have learned today.

A New Beginning

Hello World,

Starting a blog is a scary thing to do, but alas, here I am. I wanted to start this for several reasons, but here are my two main reasons:

A) Record my journey

B) Accountability

I've decided to record my journey so that I can one day look back and see what I was, so that I may never return to this place. Where I sit now is not a pretty place, and I know I have to change. My marriage, health, and sanity are at stake. These are things I can no longer risk.

I also wanted to be held accountable to this change, because if I'm not, I know I won't change. I am putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable to people I know and some that I don't. Knowing this will keep me mindful of the things I'm committing to do.

To start this journey, I would like to give you a little background information on myself so that you may understand me better.

Growing Up:

I grew up in the best home imaginable. Sure, our family had problems, as all do, but my parents did an amazing job at raising their family. My parents married right out of high school and started their family. They had two girls and one boy (Caroline, Christopher, and myself). Though we've lived in other states, we grew up primarily in Arkansas.

When puberty struck at age 10, I started feeling awkward and ugly. I was made fun of a lot this year for rumors started amongst girls. Luckily, the next year, my parents decided to put us in a private school. No one knew me, and my initial awkwardness of puberty had subsided. I was one of the unpopular ones still, but I had great friends to make up for it.

After this school year, we were home schooled until I was in 10th grade. We then returned to private school. A lot happened this year: I lost my best friend due to circumstances, we changed schools, I dealt with my first broken heart. I gained weight bringing me up over 200 lbs. Depression set in this year. When I graduated in 2003, I had gained even more weight.

College:

I started college in the spring of 2004. The college I attended was only 45 minutes from home, but I was so homesick! I loved school my first semester. My second semester was so tough, and I thought about quitting and returning home as I was so depressed. Instead, I saw a counselor. I met with her for months, faced my issues, and started anti-depressants.

During this time, I also started attending a Bible study with some friends. I still struggled with my depression, but things seemed to be getting better. For the next year, I went to church with the Bible study group. However, during the summer prior to my 4th semester at college, depression reared its ugly head due to so many different factors. During a summer I gained quite a bit of weight and I started smoking.

That fall, some things happened with things at the church I was attending that pushed me further in my despair. I hated life, God, and especially school, so I wanted to get away from it all, and withdrew from school.

I returned home with the hopes that things would be so much more amazing than the life I was leading in college. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Depression followed me there. I worked at McDonald's, was in debt, and was dealing with a broken heart yet again.

2006 and Beyond:

Finally, I caught a break. I started working at a wonderful company doing something I loved doing. I also met my husband. In 2007, I married my husband. We had a rocky go of things for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage. Within the first 3 months of marriage, my husband deployed. I was also very sick, found out I have PCOS, had many tests run and procedures done for other health issues. I was all alone in New York with only one friend. I couldn't take care of myself and returned home. Depression was again rearing its head.

As I stated before, my husband and I went through a rocky time. His deployment was rough, but him returning home was worse, as he came back with severe PTSD. This time was the hardest of my life. Needless to say, I fell deeper into depression and gained more weight.

While things have gotten better, I know things could be so much better than this. I have allowed my weight and depression to control my life. It has consumed me, and I can no longer take it. I desire to gain control of my life and my health. If I do this, I know things are going to be different. This is the beginning to the life I desire: A life of joy.