This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've had in quite some time. As I've stated before, my husband has PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder.) This week, he's been struggling a lot lately in regards to the cause of this disorder, and has decided that he needs some additional help. The opportunity has arisen for him to seek additional help down in Texas using the best program in the country for PTSD. This program is 28 days long and he could leave as early as this week.
After he made the decision to go, we talked about me packing up and moving down south to set up our home. I didn't want to be in New York by myself for a month, and I felt that I could be closer to him and could visit him occassionally during this program. Plus, he would only be in the Army a few more weeks after he returned.
I started making arrangements to move within a week, and was looking at plane tickets so my best friend could fly up here to help me. Unfortunately, all of that fell through, so we changed plans. As it's looking now, I'm going to move at the beginning of next month. That will give me more time to pack and look for a new home and a job.
Yesterday we hit a snag in the decisions that we had already made. My husband is now thinking that he doesn't want to go to this program and that he can fix the issues that he has. I'm absolutely at a loss. I really believe that going would be the best thing for him. I know he will learn useful tools on how to cope and forgive himself and others. However, I can't convince him that it's really going to help him. It's absolutely frustrating and heartbreaking.
He says the reason he doesn't want to go is that he doesn't want to be treated as a crazy person or a prisoner, which I can understand. Although he won't admit it, I think the main reason he's holding back is because he doesn't want to deal with the pain this will cause. He knows that in order to heal, he's going to have to deal with the stuff that he's been surpressing for so long. He's going to have to feel, and I think that scares him.
We need a lot of prayer. I want him to actually go to this program and to begin the healing process. I need the strength to deal with a time of lonliness and the stress that comes with moving. I thank you all and I hope you had a wonderful Easter.
Showing posts with label ptsd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ptsd. Show all posts
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A New Beginning
Hello World,
Starting a blog is a scary thing to do, but alas, here I am. I wanted to start this for several reasons, but here are my two main reasons:
A) Record my journey
B) Accountability
I've decided to record my journey so that I can one day look back and see what I was, so that I may never return to this place. Where I sit now is not a pretty place, and I know I have to change. My marriage, health, and sanity are at stake. These are things I can no longer risk.
I also wanted to be held accountable to this change, because if I'm not, I know I won't change. I am putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable to people I know and some that I don't. Knowing this will keep me mindful of the things I'm committing to do.
To start this journey, I would like to give you a little background information on myself so that you may understand me better.
Growing Up:
I grew up in the best home imaginable. Sure, our family had problems, as all do, but my parents did an amazing job at raising their family. My parents married right out of high school and started their family. They had two girls and one boy (Caroline, Christopher, and myself). Though we've lived in other states, we grew up primarily in Arkansas.
When puberty struck at age 10, I started feeling awkward and ugly. I was made fun of a lot this year for rumors started amongst girls. Luckily, the next year, my parents decided to put us in a private school. No one knew me, and my initial awkwardness of puberty had subsided. I was one of the unpopular ones still, but I had great friends to make up for it.
After this school year, we were home schooled until I was in 10th grade. We then returned to private school. A lot happened this year: I lost my best friend due to circumstances, we changed schools, I dealt with my first broken heart. I gained weight bringing me up over 200 lbs. Depression set in this year. When I graduated in 2003, I had gained even more weight.
College:
I started college in the spring of 2004. The college I attended was only 45 minutes from home, but I was so homesick! I loved school my first semester. My second semester was so tough, and I thought about quitting and returning home as I was so depressed. Instead, I saw a counselor. I met with her for months, faced my issues, and started anti-depressants.
During this time, I also started attending a Bible study with some friends. I still struggled with my depression, but things seemed to be getting better. For the next year, I went to church with the Bible study group. However, during the summer prior to my 4th semester at college, depression reared its ugly head due to so many different factors. During a summer I gained quite a bit of weight and I started smoking.
That fall, some things happened with things at the church I was attending that pushed me further in my despair. I hated life, God, and especially school, so I wanted to get away from it all, and withdrew from school.
I returned home with the hopes that things would be so much more amazing than the life I was leading in college. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Depression followed me there. I worked at McDonald's, was in debt, and was dealing with a broken heart yet again.
2006 and Beyond:
Finally, I caught a break. I started working at a wonderful company doing something I loved doing. I also met my husband. In 2007, I married my husband. We had a rocky go of things for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage. Within the first 3 months of marriage, my husband deployed. I was also very sick, found out I have PCOS, had many tests run and procedures done for other health issues. I was all alone in New York with only one friend. I couldn't take care of myself and returned home. Depression was again rearing its head.
While things have gotten better, I know things could be so much better than this. I have allowed my weight and depression to control my life. It has consumed me, and I can no longer take it. I desire to gain control of my life and my health. If I do this, I know things are going to be different. This is the beginning to the life I desire: A life of joy.
Starting a blog is a scary thing to do, but alas, here I am. I wanted to start this for several reasons, but here are my two main reasons:
A) Record my journey
B) Accountability
I've decided to record my journey so that I can one day look back and see what I was, so that I may never return to this place. Where I sit now is not a pretty place, and I know I have to change. My marriage, health, and sanity are at stake. These are things I can no longer risk.
I also wanted to be held accountable to this change, because if I'm not, I know I won't change. I am putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable to people I know and some that I don't. Knowing this will keep me mindful of the things I'm committing to do.
To start this journey, I would like to give you a little background information on myself so that you may understand me better.
Growing Up:
I grew up in the best home imaginable. Sure, our family had problems, as all do, but my parents did an amazing job at raising their family. My parents married right out of high school and started their family. They had two girls and one boy (Caroline, Christopher, and myself). Though we've lived in other states, we grew up primarily in Arkansas.
When puberty struck at age 10, I started feeling awkward and ugly. I was made fun of a lot this year for rumors started amongst girls. Luckily, the next year, my parents decided to put us in a private school. No one knew me, and my initial awkwardness of puberty had subsided. I was one of the unpopular ones still, but I had great friends to make up for it.
After this school year, we were home schooled until I was in 10th grade. We then returned to private school. A lot happened this year: I lost my best friend due to circumstances, we changed schools, I dealt with my first broken heart. I gained weight bringing me up over 200 lbs. Depression set in this year. When I graduated in 2003, I had gained even more weight.
College:
I started college in the spring of 2004. The college I attended was only 45 minutes from home, but I was so homesick! I loved school my first semester. My second semester was so tough, and I thought about quitting and returning home as I was so depressed. Instead, I saw a counselor. I met with her for months, faced my issues, and started anti-depressants.
During this time, I also started attending a Bible study with some friends. I still struggled with my depression, but things seemed to be getting better. For the next year, I went to church with the Bible study group. However, during the summer prior to my 4th semester at college, depression reared its ugly head due to so many different factors. During a summer I gained quite a bit of weight and I started smoking.
That fall, some things happened with things at the church I was attending that pushed me further in my despair. I hated life, God, and especially school, so I wanted to get away from it all, and withdrew from school.
I returned home with the hopes that things would be so much more amazing than the life I was leading in college. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Depression followed me there. I worked at McDonald's, was in debt, and was dealing with a broken heart yet again.
2006 and Beyond:
Finally, I caught a break. I started working at a wonderful company doing something I loved doing. I also met my husband. In 2007, I married my husband. We had a rocky go of things for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage. Within the first 3 months of marriage, my husband deployed. I was also very sick, found out I have PCOS, had many tests run and procedures done for other health issues. I was all alone in New York with only one friend. I couldn't take care of myself and returned home. Depression was again rearing its head.
As I stated before, my husband and I went through a rocky time. His deployment was rough, but him returning home was worse, as he came back with severe PTSD. This time was the hardest of my life. Needless to say, I fell deeper into depression and gained more weight.
While things have gotten better, I know things could be so much better than this. I have allowed my weight and depression to control my life. It has consumed me, and I can no longer take it. I desire to gain control of my life and my health. If I do this, I know things are going to be different. This is the beginning to the life I desire: A life of joy.
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