A New Life

Today was D-Day for our household... Discharge Day that is! My husband put on his uniform for the last time and signed the papers. He's now retired from the Army! This process has been extremely long and hard for our family, and I'm so glad it's over with. They gave him a flag and then they even gave me an award for standing by him through this process! How neat is that?

On Sunday Travis will be flying in from New York so that we can start our new life together. It's scary and exciting at the same time. It's going to be new and different. When you're in a military family, you're always told where to go and what to do, and that has been our life for the last three years, and our whole marriage. This time we're out on our own making our own choices. I hope it's going to be a wonderful adventure!

I've partially moved into our little duplex in Northwest Arkansas. I have a couch, an air mattress, plastic dishes and utensils, and very few decorations, as the majority of my belongings are loaded in a moving truck in New York. Even so, after 3 long years in New York, I finally feel at home and so very cozy! It's such a nice feeling-- one that I've missed for so long.

I've greatly enjoyed being able to spend time with my family and friends. I've been able to re-aquaint myself with my little nephews, and getting to know my new niece. I've also been able to spend time with my family's dog, Cocoa, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do ever again, as she had been diagnosed with cancer some months back. I've been able to drive around and see some of my favorite places. I cannot express how much joy all of these things have brought me.

For the first time in a long time I feel at peace, at home, comfortable, joyful, and am thrilled about the future.

A Home of Our Own

Less than an hour after posting my last blog, I got a call from a realtor telling me that we were approved for renting an amazing house! God sure does work quickly!

For months I have been thinking about all of the features I would want in a rental:

* A fenced in yard for the dog

* Hardwood floors (carpet collects nasty things that aggrevate my asthma & they're gorgeous!)

* A kitchen with lots of cabinet space

* 2 bedrooms

* A fireplace

* A garage

* Great neighborhood

* Cheap!

Even though I wanted all of these things, I knew the likelihood of finding all of these qualities would be slim to none... I've spent countless hours looking through housing ads and looking at homes. After an unsuccessful day of house hunting in Springfield, I decided to look for places in the Rogers/Bentonville area. As I was browsing through ads, I opened one ad with tons of wonderful features.. As I was showing my mom she said, "This is the one!!" I thought it was wonderful, so I e-mailed the realtor. She showed me the house and I couldn't believe it.. It had everything I wanted, except the hardwood floors. As she was showing me around, the maintenance man came in and started pulling up the carpet. They said that the previous tenants had animals that trashed the carpet, so they were pulling it up to put in hardwood floors!!! Needless to say, I was estatic! I applied for the house, and now it's mine!

Yet again, God has shown that He cares about the things we care about, no matter how insignificant they are. Of course I was going to find a home, but He went above that and gave me all that I wanted and more. Also,  I'm now seeing that when things aren't quite working out and you feel frustrated and abandoned in the process, He's actually gone ahead of you and is preparing something even more wonderful.. We just have to be patient and keep our eyes focused on Him or else we get lost in the small things and miss the blessings He has for us.

A Fish Out of Water

Right now I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like I've been scooped up out of my familiarities and placed on a table, not knowing if I can find a way back to my tank.

In New York, I had my home, my husband, my routines. Now, I have none of that. I'm going between my parent's house and my friend's house. They are always completely hospitable and I greatly appreciate their generosity. And while I absolutely love being with my family and friends, I feel alone and out of place.

Since I've been here, I've been looking for a home, however, I've not had much luck. Either it's too expensive, it reeks of mildew, or no one returns my phone calls. It has been such a frustrating experience. With all of this going on, I'm asking myself if I made the right decision to move down here. Maybe I jumped when I wasn't suppose to jump? I feel so uneasy.

I'm longing for comfort and familiarity. I want to feel at peace with the decision we made to move down here. I miss my husband so much and I miss our life together. I miss having a place of our own. I really don't like having to rely on others to give me a roof over my head. I don't like not having a plan or having some smidgen of an idea of what's going to happen today or tomorrow.

I'm sorry for complaining.. Being alone has given me too much time to think and worry. I pray that very soon God gives me some direction, a place to live, and His peace that passes all understanding.

Life As of Late

About a week ago, I packed up and moved down to Arkansas. I packed up the car with some of my things and three dogs. God spared me from a terrible accident only hours into my drive. I was driving down the interstate when this semi started weaving in and out of traffic almost running me and a few other cars off the road. I felt that God wanted me to slow down quite a bit and let this guy get quite a bit, so I did. About an hour later traffic started picking up. After being stuck in traffic for about a half an hour I passed the scene of a horrible accident. Some how the same semi that ran me off the road blew up.. I don't know if another car was involved or not, but it was bad. Thank God I was not close enough to have been involved!

Since I arrived in Arkansas, I've spent a lot of time catching up with family and friends. It's been amazing! I've also been looking for a house or an apartment to live in, and have had horrible luck. Everything I've seen so far has been in poor condition and has reeked of mildew. Hopefully I'll find something really soon so that I can start looking for a job.

Travis is still in the Army, but he shouldn't be in for long. We're hoping that he'll be out in about 3 weeks or so. I miss him terribly! He finally received his VA rating, and was granted 100%+ disability. This is such a huge blessing for us, as we were expecting 60%. God is good!

About two months ago, God started dealing with me in regards to one of my past friends with whom I had a huge falling out with about 2 years ago. Little did I know that God was also working on her as well. A few weeks later, I received an e-mail from her. Ever since, we've been exchanging a few e-mails back and forth. Well, last week I was able to meet with her. We had a wonderful time and we were able to work through a lot of our past hurts. It's amazing to see how God started working on both of us at the same time! I'm so glad that God worked in our situation.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to try to post more as I start to get settled.

Tough Times

This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've had in quite some time. As I've stated before, my husband has PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder.) This week, he's been struggling a lot lately in regards to the cause of this disorder, and has decided that he needs some additional help. The opportunity has arisen for him to seek additional help down in Texas using the best program in the country for PTSD. This program is 28 days long and he could leave as early as this week.

After he made the decision to go, we talked about me packing up and moving down south to set up our home. I didn't want to be in New York by myself for a month, and I felt that I could be closer to him and could visit him occassionally during this program. Plus, he would only be in the Army a few more weeks after he returned.

I started making arrangements to move within a week, and was looking at plane tickets so my best friend could fly up here to help me. Unfortunately, all of that fell through, so we changed plans. As it's looking now, I'm going to move at the beginning of next month. That will give me more time to pack and look for a new home and a job.

Yesterday we hit a snag in the decisions that we had already made. My husband is now thinking that he doesn't want to go to this program and that he can fix the issues that he has. I'm absolutely at a loss. I really believe that going would be the best thing for him. I know he will learn useful tools on how to cope and forgive himself and others. However, I can't convince him that it's really going to help him. It's absolutely frustrating and heartbreaking.

He says the reason he doesn't want to go is that he doesn't want to be treated as a crazy person or a prisoner, which I can understand. Although he won't admit it, I think the main reason he's holding back is because he doesn't want to deal with the pain this will cause. He knows that in order to heal, he's going to have to deal with the stuff that he's been surpressing for so long. He's going to have to feel, and I think that scares him.

We need a lot of prayer. I want him to actually go to this program and to begin the healing process. I need the strength to deal with a time of lonliness and the stress that comes with moving. I thank you all and I hope you had a wonderful Easter.

Life as I Currently Know It

To my faithful readers: I do apologize greatly for not posting anything in over a week, as my mind has been on other things. Because my mind is still else where, I thought I would give a quick update on what's going on with us.

First of all, we received some great news... Travis received his revamped NARSUM back and was able to sign it yesterday. This is a very huge step in the medical discharge process. Now we wait for a disability rating from the VA along with a discharge date. The woman said it could be another month or two. I've heard that before! Hopefully I will be able to spend this spring in the Ozarks?!

Secondly, we received even better news: Mishka is not only having 2-3 puppies, she is actually having FIVE! This time they took an x-ray of her belly instead doing of an ultrasound. With the x-ray you can see the skull masses and the spinal cords, but not really much else. Regardless, it was really neat to see. Also, she's gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks! I couldn't believe it was that much. I knew she was getting bigger, but 10 lbs?! She normally weighs 37lbs, so 10lbs is a lot for her.

As her delivery day draws near, I have been spending at least 30 minutes or more each day educating myself on the whelping process and puppy care. I have cleaned out an entire room for Mishka and her pups so that they can have a quiet private area to themselves. I have also made her a whelping bed and have collected "must haves" for the delivery and early care of the pups. I have even gone as far as to watch puppy deliveries on youtube to prepare myself (mainly my stomach) for what's to come. With all of this stressing, studying, and preparing, you would think that I was the one having a baby! ;) Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right?

Well, that's all for now.. I will try to update soon!

Surprised? Not Me..

Today we found out that Travis won't be discharged until mid-March/April. His paperwork, that was suppose to be on its way back from Walter Reed is not on its way back. Nope. In fact, they have found that they don't have all the paperwork they need, so it's probably going to take a month to get it all in order. At that time they'll send it back here. From what his case manager said, from that point it should take a month. Honestly, I'm not going to hold my breath on that one.

We have been in this discharge process for almost 2 years now and the military still doesn't have it all together. This is unbelievable! Supposively, we were suppose to be out in July or August of last year, but that didn't happen. Then it was suppose to be November or December, and that didn't happen either.

Although I was stressed about moving, I would rather get it over and done with than stay here for an indefinite amount of time. Up here, I barely get to see my friends and I don't get to see my family. When it snows, I rarely leave the house because I'm not terribly great driving in this kind of snow. Needless to say, it can get pretty lonely and depressing here.

Right now, I can only hope and pray that we'll be gone soon. Until the day arrives that we leave, I will make the best of the time I have here. I have to be productive and I have to do things I love. I can't let this get me down.

Decisions and Stresses

Well, it's 5:10 am, I haven't had a moment of sleep tonight. Not because I'm excited about anything, but because I have a lot on my mind. I'm worried, stressed, and so uncertain about the future. In a month or so, my husband should be medically discharged from the Army. We have known this was going to happen for the past 2 years, but now it's right here in front of us. We have so many decisions to make, and we barely know where to begin.

We finally decided that we're going to move closer to my family, but we're unsure where exactly to live. I have been searching every ad on Craigslist between Fort Smith, Arkansas to Osage Beach, Missouri looking for a place we can call our home. Unfortunately, I'm not finding a place that matches what we need. And until I can find that place, I can't even begin to look for a job.

Speaking of jobs, I have not a clue what I want to do. Who knows, I may not really have a choice because of how things are going in our country. I do pray that I find a job that I love, or even like going to each day. Also, if it pays well, that would be a bonus.

On top of that, I'm so stressed about moving out of our current apartment. We live in military housing, and from what I've heard, they will try to dock you on anything they can. I've heard several reports from them charging people to re-carpet the whole place, for them to only turn around and shampoo the current carpet. We don't have the money for that.

Furthermore, we can't agree on whether or not we're going to a DITY (Do it Yourself) move or have movers come. The Army will pay to move you, but if you DITY, you can get paid extra money. We have done the DITY move twice before, and even though the money is nice, I just don't want to deal with it. I would rather have someone else pack my belongings and drive them down south. I'm way to stressed to add more things to do to my plate.

Finally, I'm afraid I'm going to fail. For the first time in our marriage, we're going to be living outside of the Army boundaries. They have told us where to live, they've been a major source of income, and they have provided us with amazing insurance over the past few years. All of our securities and boundaries will be gone, and we're going to be the ones calling the shots, and I don't know how we're going to do this successfully.

I want this move to be a wonderful venture for us. I want it to be a successful journey. I want to look back at this blog and say, "As usual, you worried over nothing. God worked it all out, and we're doing fabulous."