Giving It to God

Growing up in the south, there is such a huge pressure to marry young and start making babies as soon as you say "I Do". Most people marry right out of high school and within 5 years, they've had three kids.

If you're not one of these individuals, you start to feel funny about yourself. My first relationship started shortly after high school. That didn't work, so I dated a couple other people over the next few years and eventually got married. Well, we all know how that story ended.

Practically all my life, I've felt like I was incomplete because I didn't have 'that special someone' in my life. Every time I ran into someone I knew from high school, I felt like an alien because I didn't have 2.5 kids. I felt like a loser, and I let this define my worth.

Now that I'm divorced, and all chances of having 2 kids, owning a house in the 'burbs with a white picket fence, a golden retriever named Lucky, and my devastatingly handsome, doctor husband seem to be a world away. I feel even more alien than I already did. Not only that, but I'm 25 and divorced, so I'm the one people gossip about.
 It's just peachy.

After my divorce, out of desperation, I joined a single's site. I met some "interesting" people and went on a couple bad dates. Through this and a series of other events, I decided to quit looking.

That's not to say that I don't want anyone.. I do.
More than anything, I would love someone to spend time with.. Someone that makes the clouds of lonliness vanish. Someone who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. Someone who I can laugh with, pamper, cook for, cuddle with, etc, etc..

But because I want that more than anything, I have to let it go.

I want to take some time for me. I want to rediscover the parts of me that I lost, and discover the parts of me I don't know. I want to become the person I'm destined to be. In order to do this, however, I need to be alone for a while. I can't let a man (or the lack of one) define who I am and how I see myself.


I need to want God and His perfect will more than anything.
I have to allow Him to restore me and make me anew.
I have to allow Him alone to define my worth.


Then in due time, He will bring the right man into my life.
But until then, He needs to be my only man.

Not to say any of this is easy.. It's not.
From time to time, I struggle with thoughts of sadness, frustration, and loneliness.
Some times I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.. But then I get over it.

I'm realizing that life is full of beauty and adventure. I can't wait for a great life to come to me- I have to go out and get it. If I'm constantly stewing about being alone, I'm going to miss out on so much. I simply cannot do that any longer.

I'm ready to life the single life I want. If and when God brings someone into my life, then that's great. If not, that's great too. Either way, I'm going to live a full life.

I don't need to care about what other's idea of 'normal' is.
All I need is to care about what God wants and who I am in Him.

So, after 20 something years of struggle, lesson learned.. I'm giving that part of me to God.