Depression takes you on a downward spiral. Many times, you may not realize how bad things have gotten until you've hit rock bottom. After years of struggling with depression and having hit rock bottom, I've decided to have an
existance of joy. This is my journey out of the pit.
If you're on Facebook, it's almost guaranteed that you've seen the following status before:
While you scream at your woman there's a man wishing he could whisper softly in her ear. While you humiliate, offend and insult her there's a man flirting with her and reminding her of how beautiful she is. While you continue to hurt her there's a man wishing he could take all the pain away. While you make her cry there's a man stealing smiles from her.
I had initially come across this status during my marriage, and it brought tears to my eyes. Why? Because I was abused.
Reading this made me so sad for so many reasons. Not only was it a reminder of my life (the bad parts), but how twisted my thinking had become.
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Growing up, I always would say, "If a man ever treated me this way, I would leave him in a heartbeat." I had no doubt in my mind of how I would act if I should ever be treated that way. Then I was put in that position, and that all changed.
The first time it happened, I called my parents. They were hysterical and tried to get me out of the situation. As I was in New York and they were in Arkansas, it was hard for them to do much of anything. Then my brand new husband stepped in, told me everything I wanted to hear so that I would calm down and stay. Thus began a horrible cycle.
Shortly after we were married, my husband left for Iraq. This time was extremely hard for me. Not only was I dealing with my husband being deployed, but I had found out that he had been writing woman online as a "single, lonely soldier." Finding this out absolutely broke my heart. I swore things were over, but a suicide threat made me stay.
During his time in Iraq, my husband had supposedly developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He returned to the states earlier than his troop. This time was full of doctor's appointments, hospital stays, tons of medications, etc. It was also full of abuse, both physical and emotional.
I tried my best to stand beside my husband during such a rough time. My thinking was, "My vows were to stay with him through better or for worse. This just happens to be the worse part." Every time the abuse happened, I wanted to leave, but on the other hand, I loved him so much and wanted to help him. Plus, he knew how to manipulate me into staying.
One time I had the courage to leave. I got in my car and drove to Arkansas. Stupidly, I kept answering his phone calls. Through the calls he was able to manipulate me into coming back. He told me that he was living for the Lord, which was everything I wanted to hear. After a month of being gone, I went back.
Shortly after arriving home, I found out that he had cheated on me with a couple different girls whileI was away. Although I wanted to leave, I felt as though I had just burned the bridge with my parents. Although they were heartbroken that I went back to him, I know now that they would have helped me. However, when your mind is so twisted from abuse, your ability to logically rationalize is not there. So, I stayed.
Over the next few years, we had our ups and downs. Looking back, I would say that when it was good, it was great. but when it was bad, it was really bad. Although I thoroughly enjoyed my husband during the good times, I feared and despised him during the bad times. I held out hope that things would get better. I thought anyone could change, and God could heal all if He chose to do so. Although I believe fully in the healing power of God, I understand that some things don't happen like we would like them to.
He and I were apart for six weeks during this last summer. He was finally getting out of the military, but had not yet cleared, and I had gone to find and prepare a home in Arkansas. During those six weeks, I was happy. I was around my family and friends, living in an area that I love to pieces. I was making choices on my own, without having the military to tell us where or what. It was such a freeing time.
When he finally came down from New York, things were better, but different. In the midst of trying to adjust to married life in the civilian world, I found out that during those six weeks apart, my husband had another affair. I remember being angry, but more disappointed than anything. Over the next month, I realized that this behavior was not going to change, and I also realized how unhappy I was. During this time, he had also realized how unhappy he was. When then decided to get a divorce.
Here I am now, divorced nearly two months, and I'm doing much better. Slowly but surely, the cycle of abuse is being broken down inside my mind. I'm trying to re-learn how to think for myself and put things in proper perspective. It's extremely hard, but with the help of God and loved ones, I'm getting there.
The other day, while listening to the radio, I was reminded of the bad times and how far I have come. I first heard this song before I left my ex husband back in 2008-
The lyrics spoke to me. Especially this part:
When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
I was in despair and I felt so alone. I honestly felt so abandoned by God. This was a reminder that God was there for me. He held me together, although my life was falling apart. He was my security when I felt I had none. I knew that somehow I would be delivered from this.
When I heard this song the other day, it touched me so deeply. I looked back over the last few years and saw the faithfulness of God. Not only did he deliver me, but He is also renewing my mind. He is breaking the cycle of abuse within me and giving me a hope for a beautiful future.
Although I grew up with great men, over the last few years I thought that they were a dying breed. Of the ones that were left, no one could ever love me. I was "damaged goods" and because of that, no one would want to come near me. Through the renewing of my mind, I'm beginning to see that not only are there great men out there, but one day, one might love and cherish me for who I am- and that makes my heart smile.
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* I didn't write this blog for pity. I wrote it as part of a healing process--to share my life and my experience. Also, I didn't write this blog to "air dirty laundry". I don't harbor bad feelings towards my ex-husband, as I've been able to forgive him.
If you are abused, I want you to know you're not alone. Not only have others gone through this, but God is right by your side. He hasn't abandoned you, and He can deliver you if you allow Him to do so.
Surprisingly enough, I'm not sad. I'm actually excited.
Isn't that odd?
I have experienced every emotion under the sun due to this divorce. I was so afraid of how I was going to be once this was all said and done. I imagined myself scared and sad, but I'm neither.
I'm so relieved.
I feel as though a burden has been lifted off of me.
Even though I knew I wasn't happy in the marriage, I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was.
I feel as though my life is my own again.
No longer do I have to walk on eggshells with someone.
I don't have to be suspicious if he's with another woman.
I can buy what I want when I want, and I don't have to made to feel guilty.
As I move onward in my single life, I'm finding that I really don't have a life beyond work. During my free time I'm usually on the computer. Hobbies have become a thing of the past. A social life? What's that?! For the past few years, I have revolved my life around someone else. Now that that person is out of the picture, I have absolutely nothing left. I absolutely detest that I have allowed myself to become like this.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want out of life, even when it comes to small things like hobbies and interests. There are so many things that I've always wanted to do, but have always made excuses on some level why I can't do it. I claim I don't have time, but in truth, if I spent less time on facebook, I would have plenty of time. I even use money as an excuse, but if I didn't eat out as much or if I didn't waste money on chai lattes at Starbucks, I would have more money.
So what do I want?
I want to learn how to decorate fabulous cakes..
I want to learn how to make beautiful creations like this:
I want to learn how to cook gourmet meals like so:
I want to learn how to play these instruments well:
I want to travel to places like this:
I want to volunteer my time to help anyone who needs help.
I want to spend more time getting to know people outside of my circle.
People are so fascinating. I want to cultivate friendships with many different people in many different walks of life.
Being single again isn't necessarily a bad thing. I will have more time to work on me. In developing myself, I know I will find sweet joy.
A few nights back I felt like I needed to call my grandmother. I called her and she was breathing badly and said she didn't feel good, and asked me to pray for her. I told her she needed to go to the hospital, and she said if she got worse, she would. I called my mother right after and had her call my grandmother. My grandmother then decided she needed to go to the hospital. To make a long story short, she was in ICU, was severely dehydrated, and had a massive heart attack. She's doing okay now, and is going to be released from the hospital in the next day or so.
Of course, this bothered me badly. I love my grandmother so much, and I can't imagine a life without her. She has always been so amazing. I know one day I will lose her, but I don't want it to be anytime soon. I wish with all of my heart that I could be there with her and take care of her, but I don't think it would be possible at this time as she lives in California.
This got me thinking about how much we don't take advantage of the time we have left with those we love. We always think people are going to be there, so we don't make plans to spend time with them as we should, nor do we take time to pick up the phone to see how they're doing. Life is so very short, and you never know when someone's will end.
I want to encourage you to pick up the phone and call someone. Tell them you love them. See how they're doing. You never know how much a simple action like that can touch (or save) someone else's life. Go a step further and spend time with them. Sacrificing just a few hours of your time can mean the world to someone else.
At at least one point in our lives, we wish for a second chance, or a do-over. We wish life could be like the movies where the character lives with the choices they've made, only to wake up one morning and they're years younger. They are able to avoid the mistakes that they made previously, and they wake up again to find everything is right in the world. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen in real life.
Over the last several years, I have begged God for a do-over. I knew it probably wouldn't happen, but God can do anything, right? There are several mistakes I've made in my life, and I wish I could go back in time and avoid those mistakes. Maybe then I would be at a different place in my life. Maybe then I would be blogging about the adventures I having instead of the disappointments life has brought me.
Yesterday I realized God had in fact answered my prayers. While it wasn't how I ever wanted it to happen, He has given me a second chance in life. I'm not saying by any means that God brought my divorce on, but He is making something beautiful come from this experience.
I can't go back and right all of my wrongs, but I can go forward and learn from my mistakes so that I may make better choices this go-around. There are so many things I'm not willing to compromise on anymore because of the life I want to live. I desire to accomplish so many things in my life, and I know it's not going to be possible if I continue on the path that I've been treading. I know that I need to seek God first because my will has led me down to such a devastating path.
Thank you God for another chance.
I fully intend to make this second chance worth something wonderful.
For the first time in a long time I am feeling very content with my life. With all that has gone on in the last few years, I have struggled a lot with being dissatisfied. My life has not turned out at all the way I use to picture it. I have made more than my share poor decisions over the last few years. Some things that have happened were beyond my control. Regardless, I have been dissatisfied, restless, and completely envious of others. However, in this moment, I'm very content with where I am.
I use to picture myself married with at least 2 rugrats at this age. I would have a college degree, own a house, be a preacher's wife, and would have a ministry of my own. I would be devastatingly in love with my husband, and he with me. I would be the "Proverbs 31 woman". I would take the occassional missions trip overseas. I would be healthy and fit. I would never speak unkind of anyone. I would be giving, and would use my time praying for and helping others. My house would be clean. I would play the violin and piano. I would sing occassionally in church. I would home school my children. I would teach them about life and God. I would travel the world. I would get up early each morning, fix a cup of coffee, and spend time with God.
Those were/are my dreams. However, that is not my life, and for a long time, I hated that. I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I may never have that life. Currently my life is far from my perfect dream, but I'm okay with that. My life is my own, and I need to be content with where I am, but continuing to strive for better. I shouldn't sit around sulking about what I should be or have.
I need to focus on what I already have:
I have amazing parents who love me. I have a wonderful brother, sister, and sister-in-law. I have two handsome nephews and a beautiful niece. I have great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have the best friends in the world. I have a roof over my head. I have a running car, a job, and food on the table. I have dogs who love to give me kisses when I come home each day. I was blessed enough to have a wonderful Christian education. I have a Savior that loves me and died for me. I am so fortunate to live in such a wonderful country.
I am so very blessed, and so very content with what I have. If I never see my dreams come to pass, that's okay because what I already do have is so very wonderful. So, thank you God. Also, thank you to all of those that make my life so wonderful.
