Life Questions and Some Realizations

Lately I've been thinking about everything I want out of life. What do I want to be? Where do I want to live? What do I want to accomplish? I've been asking myself these questions practically all of my life, but I'm realizing that I'm getting older, and I need to make decisions and stick to them.

For the past few years, I've put my needs, desires, etc. on the back burner. I based everything on my husband and his career. That's not a bad thing by any means, but I was using those things as an excuse, and not accomplishing anything of my own. I'm finding that I can't do that anymore. Of course, I have to be mindful of him, but I need to fulfill myself as well.

I've been considering going back to college for a while now. I still don't know what would be my major. I don't even know where I would attend school. I'm trying to consider my options, but it's so hard when I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I'm good at office work, but I don't want to be chained to a desk the rest of my life. I know I want to help people. I've always known that God has given me a huge heart for people, and it's my desire to put it to good work. 

I've thought about nursing, but I would have to get over my weak stomach. Also, I know there's a lot of heart break in that field. It would devastate me if someone died or recieved horrible news. I know it's also a very rewarding career, but I'm trying to decide if it's worth the heart break that comes along with it.

I've also thought about cosmetology because I know I would be good at it. I would do it just because it's fun, but it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to help people in a deeper way than cutting their hair or making them feel pretty.

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When I was younger, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, and I was going to accomplish them all. As an adult, I've realized there are things I can't do (like be a professional singer :)). Somethings I have talked myself out of doing because I don't feel capable or worthy of. It frustrates me to pieces that I have allowed my insecurities to rob me of my faith in myself. I wish I could go back to the place where my dreams seemed attainable.

When I was 17, I was watching a Barbara Walter's special called, "Born in My Heart." It was about adoption and Romanian orphanages. During that special, I felt God tug on my heart and say,"That's what I want you to do." I was absolutely elated. I felt so honored that the God of the Universe wanted me to work with these poor children who have no love.

Also, during my freshman year of college, I was writing a paper about what I wanted to do in life. In the process of writing it, I realized that God specifically called me to love the unloved. Yes, we are all called to do this, but I felt as though it was my specific mission.

Over the next year, I had a hard time coping with being an adult. As I was thrust into the world alone, I realized I really didn't know who I was. Through searching and struggling, I began to see glimpses of who I was, both good and bad. I lost sight of what God wanted in this processes and I would beg Him to show me. Of course He did, but it was in His time. I remember while I was researching something on the computer for school, I came upon some missionary website. Again, I felt God say, "This is what you I meant for you to do." I felt such a peace in my heart about it.

Around that time I got involved in a pretty charismatic church. Because of some of the things I was exposed to, I was misguided. After being involved for quite some time, I started realizing things didn't add up. I was so confused and troubled about the things that were being taught. Eventually, something happened with this group that pushed me far away from God. I was angry with Him. I was hurt and so confused that I strayed far away from my beliefs for many years.

Looking back I see that God didn't want me involved and the some things that were being taught were not scriptual at all. However, I was pushed so far away that I'm still finding it hard to come back to the place I know is right and pure. I question what is right and what is wrong. I'm still so confused. Because of all of this, I wonder how I'm ever going to do what God wants me to do with my life. I have quite the mess to sort out in my life. I know it's going to take some time to do, so in the waiting, I'm trying to figure out how to best move forward.

Life can be some complicated. I'm learning that it never turns out the way you think it will. Sometimes that alone is a hard thing to grasp. It's hard not to become bitter, frustrated, or angry that other people get to have the life I always wanted.. On top of that, they get it so easily it seems. In my head, I know I may have it harder than some because God wants to grow or change something within me. My heart has a harder time grasping that though. None the less, I need to move forward.

In the waiting, I pray for wisdom and understanding. I pray for growth and change. I also pray for forgiveness. I pray that God will show me how to move forward.

An Age Old Question

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This is a question that's been running in my head the last few hours. Earlier tonight I found out that a friend of mine's husband was killed in Afghanistan this past weekend. My heart breaks their family. What pain and sadness they must be going through. No one deserves to go through this, but especially not them. My friend is one of the sweetest, most kind people I've ever met. Her and her husband loved each other so much.. Why did this have to happen to them?

I'm praying for understanding in this area. I know God's ways are not our own, and we may never understand His ways this side of eternity, but even knowing that doesn't seem like enough. I wish I could understand why those who are good and are kind have to endure more hurt in their lifetime than those who are truly terrible people. It doesn't make any sense to me.

Life in NWA

Well we are finally settled into our house and routine and things are going great. I absolutely love being in Northwest Arkansas again! It's so nice to be close to family and great shopping. I'm only a few minutes away from the mall.. A girls dream come true!

I have been steadily looking for a job, but haven't had any luck. So far I've put out around 30 applications, and haven't really heard anything. I know the economy is bad, but I'm hoping something will come available soon.

My grandparents have been in town this last week, and it's been really nice to see them. They live in California, and so we usually only see them every couple of years. Tonight I had to say goodbye to them, and that's always hard. I really wish they lived closer.

Anyways, it's a short update, but not a lot of notable things have been going on lately. :)

Getting On Track

There have been a lot of changes in our lives since Travis was discharged from the Army. Having him here has been an adjustment for me. I was without him for six weeks and during that time I was able to live life as a single person, so to speak. I was living alone and could go and do whatever I pleased. I was able to go visit with people, make my own schedule, etc. It was nice, but lonely. When Travis arrived, we both had to adjust to married life again. It was a little challenging, but over all, it's been very nice.

I was worried that he would have a hard time adjusting to civilian life, but he has really surprised me. He has really eased into his new role as a civilian. He's more relaxed and more active. He has started a few new projects around the house. He has taken up gardening and raising quails. We bought a bbq/smoker the other day, and he has been smoking like crazy. I'm really enjoying my civilian husband!

We have decided to commit to getting healthy together. For the past week we have been eating healthy meals and have gone to the gym. As a result, I've lost 8lbs so far. (YAY!!!)

As for me, I have committed to keep a clean house. I'm also making myself cook more meals, as oppose to eating out. Also, I'm learning the fine art of couponing in order to save us tons of money. For the first time in a long time, I'm trying to be the best wife I can be.

A New Life

Today was D-Day for our household... Discharge Day that is! My husband put on his uniform for the last time and signed the papers. He's now retired from the Army! This process has been extremely long and hard for our family, and I'm so glad it's over with. They gave him a flag and then they even gave me an award for standing by him through this process! How neat is that?

On Sunday Travis will be flying in from New York so that we can start our new life together. It's scary and exciting at the same time. It's going to be new and different. When you're in a military family, you're always told where to go and what to do, and that has been our life for the last three years, and our whole marriage. This time we're out on our own making our own choices. I hope it's going to be a wonderful adventure!

I've partially moved into our little duplex in Northwest Arkansas. I have a couch, an air mattress, plastic dishes and utensils, and very few decorations, as the majority of my belongings are loaded in a moving truck in New York. Even so, after 3 long years in New York, I finally feel at home and so very cozy! It's such a nice feeling-- one that I've missed for so long.

I've greatly enjoyed being able to spend time with my family and friends. I've been able to re-aquaint myself with my little nephews, and getting to know my new niece. I've also been able to spend time with my family's dog, Cocoa, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do ever again, as she had been diagnosed with cancer some months back. I've been able to drive around and see some of my favorite places. I cannot express how much joy all of these things have brought me.

For the first time in a long time I feel at peace, at home, comfortable, joyful, and am thrilled about the future.

A Home of Our Own

Less than an hour after posting my last blog, I got a call from a realtor telling me that we were approved for renting an amazing house! God sure does work quickly!

For months I have been thinking about all of the features I would want in a rental:

* A fenced in yard for the dog

* Hardwood floors (carpet collects nasty things that aggrevate my asthma & they're gorgeous!)

* A kitchen with lots of cabinet space

* 2 bedrooms

* A fireplace

* A garage

* Great neighborhood

* Cheap!

Even though I wanted all of these things, I knew the likelihood of finding all of these qualities would be slim to none... I've spent countless hours looking through housing ads and looking at homes. After an unsuccessful day of house hunting in Springfield, I decided to look for places in the Rogers/Bentonville area. As I was browsing through ads, I opened one ad with tons of wonderful features.. As I was showing my mom she said, "This is the one!!" I thought it was wonderful, so I e-mailed the realtor. She showed me the house and I couldn't believe it.. It had everything I wanted, except the hardwood floors. As she was showing me around, the maintenance man came in and started pulling up the carpet. They said that the previous tenants had animals that trashed the carpet, so they were pulling it up to put in hardwood floors!!! Needless to say, I was estatic! I applied for the house, and now it's mine!

Yet again, God has shown that He cares about the things we care about, no matter how insignificant they are. Of course I was going to find a home, but He went above that and gave me all that I wanted and more. Also,  I'm now seeing that when things aren't quite working out and you feel frustrated and abandoned in the process, He's actually gone ahead of you and is preparing something even more wonderful.. We just have to be patient and keep our eyes focused on Him or else we get lost in the small things and miss the blessings He has for us.

A Fish Out of Water

Right now I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like I've been scooped up out of my familiarities and placed on a table, not knowing if I can find a way back to my tank.

In New York, I had my home, my husband, my routines. Now, I have none of that. I'm going between my parent's house and my friend's house. They are always completely hospitable and I greatly appreciate their generosity. And while I absolutely love being with my family and friends, I feel alone and out of place.

Since I've been here, I've been looking for a home, however, I've not had much luck. Either it's too expensive, it reeks of mildew, or no one returns my phone calls. It has been such a frustrating experience. With all of this going on, I'm asking myself if I made the right decision to move down here. Maybe I jumped when I wasn't suppose to jump? I feel so uneasy.

I'm longing for comfort and familiarity. I want to feel at peace with the decision we made to move down here. I miss my husband so much and I miss our life together. I miss having a place of our own. I really don't like having to rely on others to give me a roof over my head. I don't like not having a plan or having some smidgen of an idea of what's going to happen today or tomorrow.

I'm sorry for complaining.. Being alone has given me too much time to think and worry. I pray that very soon God gives me some direction, a place to live, and His peace that passes all understanding.