Finding Hope

I began this Journey two years ago.

Two years ago, I vowed to lose 100 lbs in 9 months..

Two years later, I'm only 30 lbs lighter.

Grant it, so much has happened in the last two years, but still. That's a lot of time wasted, which frustrates the fire out of me. I can't believe I wasted another few years of my life being miserably fat. Had I stayed true to my word, I would have a body like Catherine Zeta-Jones... But instead, I'm still medically classified as "morbidly obese". (Gosh, I hate that term...)

Until recently, I had basically given up hope that I would ever have a normal life as a healthy, thin person. I had accepted the fact that I was going to be forever a fattie. It sucked, but that's life, right?

I didn't have much motivation to go exercise (I would say, "it's too much effort.."), and diets were "of the devil". I mean, how dare someone tell me I couldn't have a brownie! I've tried many diets, but I could never get past 3 days (sad, I know). Truth be told, most of the time, it only lasted a day.

Recently, I had a couple friends join Weight Watchers. I thought, "Good for them, but it would never work for me." Then, one of my friends told me she had lost 6 lbs the first week. She assured me that it was by far the easiest diet she'd ever been on. So I decided to take a look into it. That day, I decided to join, not fully knowing what I was getting into. I figured it was better than doing nothing at all.

So, the first day was alright.. Then came the second day. That day, I did an awful job. I failed a little bit, which led to a lot of guilt.. Then that led to me failing a lot. I was about to throw in the towel, when I consulted friends that were doing Weight Watchers as well. They reminded me that I am human, and I'm going to fail from time to time. They encouraged me to keep going and to be honest with myself along the way.
To tell you the truth the whole, 'being honest with myself' was the hardest part of the deal. I knew I had done a poor job that day, but I wasn't allowing myself to see how badly I did, and how much I really needed help.

The truth is this:

I am severely obese.

I CAN'T do this on my own.

Truth be told, I lost a battle, but that doesn't mean I lost the war.

I CAN do this diet.

That night, after I had finally been honest with myself, I decided to take this weight loss journey seriously. From there, I researched things and came up with a plan on how to make this a success. When day three came, I was prepared. When Day four came, I was estatic. Not only did I make it through the 'three day' mark, but my outlook on everything was starting to change. I wasn't making excuses for myself like I had always done. I was choosing to eat healthier. It became a game for me.. All of the sudden, dieting was fun.. (If you know me, that just doesn't happen.)

As cheesy as this sounds, Weight Watchers has been a miracle for me. As far as diets go, I don't like a challenge, and Weight Watchers is easy. Quite honestly, I'd rather eat a brownie than a vegetable.. Already, I've stopped craving a lot of unhealthy foods, and I'm eating cabbage with dinner--what the heck?! Also, I use to hate stepping on the scale, but now I enjoy it. Although the number on it is still outstanding, it's actually going down! This program has given me hope for a better tomorrow.

Now, I don't feel like I'll forever be limited to shopping at Lane Bryant. With each pound I lose, I gain confidence and self-worth. I actually feel like I can accomplish things-both great and small.. By the end of the year, I will be able to ride a roller coaster comfortably. One day, I'll be a stunning bride, and I'll look back at those wedding photos with joy and gladness instead of utter disgust in badly how I looked. Who knows, maybe I'll even climb a mountain! (lol)

I Have Confidence in Me

I've always known I've absolutely no self-confidence, but lately I've really been thinking about why I don't have any and how ridiculous it is. I believe my lack of confidence comes from my low self-esteem, which stems my weight issues. When you're overweight, people treat you different, and you feel absolutely terrible about yourself. It becomes your life.

You constantly think about how fat you are because it affects everything you do. You can't sit in normal seats without wondering if you'll fit or break it. You can't go shopping in normal stores. You can't breathe right. You avoid full length mirrors because they don't lie. Your whole life changes, and not for the better.

Because people treat you differently, and this world really wasn't made for fat people, you start to view yourself in a different light. You feel unloved, unpretty, like a joke, and out of place. Being fat steals your joy because life is so different. You're limited. You start telling yourself how ugly and gross you are. You believe the lies and they consume you.

I've come to the realization lately that I don't look people in the eyes generally or even talk to them because I don't feel good enough, or unworthy to do so. How stupid is that? Even though I may not be drop dead gorgeous and I don't have a fantastic body, I am a person, and I deserve to hold my head up high. I'm NOT unworthy of anything based on how I look.

My lack of self-confidence has sabatoged my weight loss all of these years because I didn't believe that I could do it. I believed all the lies I told myself.. "I can't do it", "I don't have the willpower", "I'm too tired" ,"I don't want anyone to see me running" ,"I'm not good enough".

blah, blah, blah...

So lately, I've been trying to turn this thing around. Instead of telling myself "I can't because (insert reason here)" I'm telling myself "I can and I will". I have also given myself little assignments (ie, look everyone in the eye, don't look down, keep your head held high, etc.) Believe me, this is hard.. but so worth it!

In the last few weeks, I've seen such a dramatic change in my behavior. Because I'm starting to view myself in a different light, I'm acting differently. I'm much more happy and content with life.. Not only that- I'm striving for the best because I know I'm worthy of it and I believe I can attain it.

It's been such a welcome and neccessary change in my life.

One Year

I can't believe it's already been a year...

A year ago today I made a heartwrenching decision to get a divorce.

After years of struggle, I had finally reached a point where it was alright for me to let go.

I remember the conversation I had with my ex husband. We were both in agreement over the decision, but even so, I was completely devastated. I had no idea what the future held or how I was going to make ends meet, and honestly that terrified me.

Over the next few months, I experienced every bad emotion: Fear, Anger, Guilt, Denial, Sadness. I had no idea how I was ever going to get through that horrific time in my life. I thought that a year from then I would still be experiencing those emotions.

.. and the truth is, a year later, I'm not.

Instead of the bad feelings mentioned above, I have complete peace and joy about the situation.

I know that might sound extremely strange, but that is definitely the case.

Truth be told, I'm the happiest I've been in six years or so.

Never in my own strength could I have gotten through this whole situation.. It was totally and undeniably God.

So thank you God for a year of healing and restoration.

Thank you for peace and joy..

Above all, thank you for Your faithfulness.

Giving It to God

Growing up in the south, there is such a huge pressure to marry young and start making babies as soon as you say "I Do". Most people marry right out of high school and within 5 years, they've had three kids.

If you're not one of these individuals, you start to feel funny about yourself. My first relationship started shortly after high school. That didn't work, so I dated a couple other people over the next few years and eventually got married. Well, we all know how that story ended.

Practically all my life, I've felt like I was incomplete because I didn't have 'that special someone' in my life. Every time I ran into someone I knew from high school, I felt like an alien because I didn't have 2.5 kids. I felt like a loser, and I let this define my worth.

Now that I'm divorced, and all chances of having 2 kids, owning a house in the 'burbs with a white picket fence, a golden retriever named Lucky, and my devastatingly handsome, doctor husband seem to be a world away. I feel even more alien than I already did. Not only that, but I'm 25 and divorced, so I'm the one people gossip about.
 It's just peachy.

After my divorce, out of desperation, I joined a single's site. I met some "interesting" people and went on a couple bad dates. Through this and a series of other events, I decided to quit looking.

That's not to say that I don't want anyone.. I do.
More than anything, I would love someone to spend time with.. Someone that makes the clouds of lonliness vanish. Someone who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. Someone who I can laugh with, pamper, cook for, cuddle with, etc, etc..

But because I want that more than anything, I have to let it go.

I want to take some time for me. I want to rediscover the parts of me that I lost, and discover the parts of me I don't know. I want to become the person I'm destined to be. In order to do this, however, I need to be alone for a while. I can't let a man (or the lack of one) define who I am and how I see myself.


I need to want God and His perfect will more than anything.
I have to allow Him to restore me and make me anew.
I have to allow Him alone to define my worth.


Then in due time, He will bring the right man into my life.
But until then, He needs to be my only man.

Not to say any of this is easy.. It's not.
From time to time, I struggle with thoughts of sadness, frustration, and loneliness.
Some times I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.. But then I get over it.

I'm realizing that life is full of beauty and adventure. I can't wait for a great life to come to me- I have to go out and get it. If I'm constantly stewing about being alone, I'm going to miss out on so much. I simply cannot do that any longer.

I'm ready to life the single life I want. If and when God brings someone into my life, then that's great. If not, that's great too. Either way, I'm going to live a full life.

I don't need to care about what other's idea of 'normal' is.
All I need is to care about what God wants and who I am in Him.

So, after 20 something years of struggle, lesson learned.. I'm giving that part of me to God.

I'm Moving On

The strangest thing happened.

I saw my ex husband, and for the first time, I felt absolutely nothing.

No pain, no sadness, no hate, no love, no friendship-- absolutely nothing.

Divorce is a funny thing, as it changes your perspective on everything.

Everything you thought you would feel and do changes.

You change.

It has been three months since my divorce.

Going into the divorce, I thought I would still be absolutely devastated.

The funny thing is- I'm not.

I'm joyful.

I'm hopeful.

I'm content.

Never in my life have I considered myself a strong person, but now I can see that I am.

By the grace of God, I am strong.

I went through hell, I suffered loss, and I pressed on.

I'm not looking back, but I'm looking forward.

I've let go of my past and I'm moving on.

Dealing With the Bad Stuff

If you're on Facebook, it's almost guaranteed that you've seen the following status before:

While you scream at your woman there's a man wishing he could whisper softly in her ear. While you humiliate, offend and insult her there's a man flirting with her and reminding her of how beautiful she is. While you continue to hurt her there's a man wishing he could take all the pain away. While you make her cry there's a man stealing smiles from her.

I had initially come across this status during my marriage, and it brought tears to my eyes. Why? Because I was abused.

Reading this made me so sad for so many reasons. Not only was it a reminder of my life (the bad parts), but how twisted my thinking had become.

~

Growing up, I always would say, "If a man ever treated me this way, I would leave him in a heartbeat." I had no doubt in my mind of how I would act if I should ever be treated that way. Then I was put in that position, and that all changed.

The first time it happened, I called my parents. They were hysterical and tried to get me out of the situation. As I was in New York and they were in Arkansas, it was hard for them to do much of anything. Then my brand new husband stepped in, told me everything I wanted to hear so that I would calm down and stay. Thus began a horrible cycle.

Shortly after we were married, my husband left for Iraq. This time was extremely hard for me. Not only was I dealing with my husband being deployed, but I had found out that he had been writing woman online as a "single, lonely soldier." Finding this out absolutely broke my heart. I swore things were over, but a suicide threat made me stay.

During his time in Iraq, my husband had supposedly developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He returned to the states earlier than his troop. This time was full of doctor's appointments, hospital stays, tons of medications, etc. It was also full of abuse, both physical and emotional.

I tried my best to stand beside my husband during such a rough time. My thinking was, "My vows were to stay with him through better or for worse. This just happens to be the worse part." Every time the abuse happened, I wanted to leave, but on the other hand, I loved him so much and wanted to help him. Plus, he knew how to manipulate me into staying.

One time I had the courage to leave. I got in my car and drove to Arkansas. Stupidly, I kept answering his phone calls. Through the calls he was able to manipulate me into coming back. He told me that he was living for the Lord, which was everything I wanted to hear. After a month of being gone, I went back.

Shortly after arriving home, I found out that he had cheated on me with a couple different girls while I was away. Although I wanted to leave, I felt as though I had just burned the bridge with my parents. Although they were heartbroken that I went back to him, I know now that they would have helped me. However, when your mind is so twisted from abuse, your ability to logically rationalize is not there. So, I stayed.

Over the next few years, we had our ups and downs. Looking back, I would say that when it was good, it was great. but when it was bad, it was really bad. Although I thoroughly enjoyed my husband during the good times, I feared and despised him during the bad times. I held out hope that things would get better. I thought anyone could change, and God could heal all if He chose to do so. Although I believe fully in the healing power of God, I understand that some things don't happen like we would like them to.

He and I were apart for six weeks during this last summer. He was finally getting out of the military, but had not yet cleared, and I had gone to find and prepare a home in Arkansas. During those six weeks, I was happy. I was around my family and friends, living in an area that I love to pieces. I was making choices on my own, without having the military to tell us where or what. It was such a freeing time.

When he finally came down from New York, things were better, but different. In the midst of trying to adjust to married life in the civilian world, I found out that during those six weeks apart, my husband had another affair. I remember being angry, but more disappointed than anything. Over the next month, I realized that this behavior was not going to change, and I also realized how unhappy I was. During this time, he had also realized how unhappy he was. When then decided to get a divorce.

Here I am now, divorced nearly two months, and I'm doing much better. Slowly but surely, the cycle of abuse is being broken down inside my mind. I'm trying to re-learn how to think for myself and put things in proper perspective. It's extremely hard, but with the help of God and loved ones, I'm getting there.

The other day, while listening to the radio, I was reminded of the bad times and how far I have come. I first heard this song before I left my ex husband back in 2008-

The lyrics spoke to me. Especially this part:

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness

It seems like no one else in this whole world cares

And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there

I was in despair and I felt so alone. I honestly felt so abandoned by God. This was a reminder that God was there for me. He held me together, although my life was falling apart. He was my security when I felt I had none. I knew that somehow I would be delivered from this.

When I heard this song the other day, it touched me so deeply. I looked back over the last few years and saw the faithfulness of God. Not only did he deliver me, but He is also renewing my mind. He is breaking the cycle of abuse within me and giving me a hope for a beautiful future.

Although I grew up with great men, over the last few years I thought that they were a dying breed. Of the ones that were left, no one could ever love me. I was "damaged goods" and because of that, no one would want to come near me. Through the renewing of my mind, I'm beginning to see that not only are there great men out there, but one day, one might love and cherish me for who I am- and that makes my heart smile.

~
* I didn't write this blog for pity. I wrote it as part of a healing process--to share my life and my experience. Also, I didn't write this blog to "air dirty laundry". I don't harbor bad feelings towards my ex-husband, as I've been able to forgive him.

If you are abused, I want you to know you're not alone. Not only have others gone through this, but God is right by your side. He hasn't abandoned you, and He can deliver you if you allow Him to do so.

My New Beginning

Today I am divorced.

Surprisingly enough, I'm not sad. I'm actually excited.

Isn't that odd?

I have experienced every emotion under the sun due to this divorce. I was so afraid of how I was going to be once this was all said and done. I imagined myself scared and sad, but I'm neither.

I'm so relieved.

I feel as though a burden has been lifted off of me.

Even though I knew I wasn't happy in the marriage, I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was.

I feel as though my life is my own again.

No longer do I have to walk on eggshells with someone.

I don't have to be suspicious if he's with another woman.

I can buy what I want when I want, and I don't have to made to feel guilty.

I can go wherever I want to.

I can be the woman God intended me to be.

I feel as though I can finally exhale.

~