Feelings of Divorce: Grief

One of the feelings I have been going through since starting this process is grief. As I've stated before, divorce is like a death, and I feel as if I've lost my best friend. My heart has been torn in a million pieces, and it feels as though it'll never be whole again.
I never wanted this to happen to me, and I honestly thought I would never go through this, but here I am in the midst of a divorce. I grew up in a christian home, and I believe in the Bible and God to my very core. I know divorce isn't Biblical. I hate the fact that I've been put in the position where divorce is necessary.

My marriage has been a constant struggle, even more so than most couples. I fought very hard to make it work, and it feels like all of that work was in vain. I feel as though my efforts have been wasted. I feel like a failure, even though I know I've done all that I can. Some people would say that I haven't tried, but not knowing the circumstances, I would find them completely ignorant.

No one ever deserves to know the pain of divorce. It's one of the very worst things I've ever had to go through. I feel as if I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I don't feel as though I'm really living my life. I feel so alone, even though I have an amazing support system around me. My tears seem never ending. My heart literally hurts. I don't feel as though I could love again. Sometimes I don't feel very hopeful of the future. I try to imagine the future and it all seems so bleak. I don't like feeling this way at all.

I wish that there was a shot or something that would make me numb to the pain I feel. I wish I could go on a vacation so that I could forget everything. Unfortunately there isn't a shot and I can't go on vacation.  I have to trudge forth and live out each day dealing with every emotion that comes my way.

I'm trying to cling to God's Word and His promises.. Although I feel alone and broken hearted, I know that He is with me. This is what is getting me through.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

The End

Last week was mine and Travis' third and final wedding anniversary.

For most of you this won't come as a surprise, as you have known some of the struggles Travis and I have faced in the last few years. With all that has happened and with the paths we wish to take in the future, we have mutually decided to part ways. This decision was not easy, but it has been a decision that has been made after much consideration.

Divorce is a devastating thing. I'm finding that it is like a death. It's a death of a love and a life that has been built. It's something I never wanted to experience in my lifetime. I know that I have fought as hard as I could to make this marriage work. Unfortunately, I'm finding that some things can go beyond our control. I have to believe that God has some greater plan that I cannot see right now.

For those of you who don't know the reasoning, I may choose to share it with you one day, but then again, I might not. Details of any divorce can be so painful, and I may not wish to divulge any more information than what I'm putting out here today. If you do not know all of the details, I ask that you not speculate or gossip. I'm already going through enough, and I don't need the added stress or worry of mine or my husband's name being run through the mud. It is my sincere hope that people would be respectful of my feelings and my privacy in this matter.

I also ask that during this time that you lift Travis and I up in your prayers. We so desperately need it. We wish to walk away from this marriage with absolutely no bitterness or hard feelings toward each other.

Thank you to all of you who have prayed and encouraged us over the last few years. It has meant a lot, and I will never forget the kindness you have shown us.

My Wonderful Roxy Update

As I write this, I'm SO excited! God has been answering prayers and healing my little girl.

Three nights ago we were given the option to put my little girl to sleep.. Three days later, she is doing so much better!!

We have been pretty nervous because she hasn't wanted to eat or drink the last two days. However, tonight, we discovered her weakness... I found a bone that she had been chewing on prior to her sickness. It's a normal rawhide bone, but wrapped inside it is some layer of dried meat. Well, I gave her the bone, and almost immediately she started tearing away at this layer of wrapped meat. Travis had just come home with some baby food to try to give her, and I dipped her bone in the baby food, and she licked it away. I told Travis about her digging at the meat, and he suggested we cook up bacon.. Well, as soon as she smelled it, she hopped right up and wagged her tail. We gave her a piece and she gobbled it up!

We have tried chicken, rice, broth, baby food, honey, wet dog food, etc... She didn't want any of it, but she went after the bacon like nobody's business.

She has been walking around more, has been playful, is going to the bathroom outside, and is returning to her loving self. And it's all due to the healing power of God! Several people have been praying, and God is answering those prayers! I'm SO excited!

The ER vet told us either we needed to put her in the hospital for several days (which could cost $1000-$3000 extra) or if we couldn't afford that, to euthanize her. We couldn't afford the hospitalization, but we couldn't bear to put her down yet, so we decided to take her home to try to help her.

The vet made a rude comment about us "pulling the rug from under our dog" and "we should have just euthanized her last night." None the less, we took her home, and every day since, we have been praying and playing doctor. Now, three days later, she is doing miraculously well!

I think that when Roxy is completely better, I might write that vet a letter telling her that plan c (the healing power of God) saved my baby! :)

So thank you all for your prayers, and please continue to keep her in your prayers as she continues to recover... And praise God for His healing power!

Prayers for Roxy

This is my sweet angel Roxy.

She is 20 weeks old.

She's playful, loveable, amazingly sweet, and super smart.

I was there when she was born. I was the first one to hold her. I cut her umbilical cord. I gave her her first bath. I have been with her almost every day since she was born.

I love this girl from the bottom of my heart.

Last night Roxy became extremely sick. We took her to the emergency vet and discovered she has parvo. Because we cannot afford additional hospitilization, we have decided to try and treat her at home the best we can. The chances of her survival is 50/50.

I know that God is able to heal this puppy. I know that He cares about all the things we care about both big and small. I know He can perform a medical miracle on this angel. For these things, I have been praying for non-stop.

I took her to the day vet earlier this evening. Her temperature is normal. She has been drinking fluids. Her gums are pink in color. She seems to be doing much better. However, she is not out of the woods yet.

I'm begging all of you guys to pray for her. We want her to be completely healed. I trust that God will do this. If He does, I will praise Him. If He doesn't, I will still praise Him.

Your will be done God.

A Happy Day

This morning I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. My father was heading this way and wanted me to meet him for lunch. Of course I agreed! We had a wonderful lunch and then afterwards he took me shopping. I'm so very blessed to have my father. He is amazing, and I couldn't have asked for a better father.

Afterwards, I found a potential job at a local flower shop as a floral designer. I talked to the owner today, and I'm going to meet with the manager tomorrow. Also, I had submitted my resume with a job placement company a few weeks back. They had informed me of potential jobs, but I wasn't hired for any... Until today.. :) Next week I will be working for a local city doing administrative/customer service work. It is only a week long, but it will be nice paycheck. I'm so glad God has given me something to do until I find the right, permanent job!

I had an interview with the local police department yesterday morning for a 911 dispatcher position. By far, it was the most intimidating interview I have ever had. It was in a board room and there were two people interviewing me. The gentleman was the Chief of Police and he had a gun strapped to his belt. I have grown up around guns, and my father is a police officer, but it was still pretty intimidating. Because I was intimidated, I don't think I came across as confident in my answers to their questions. Hopefully though, they can see past that and call me for a second interview.. The job itself sounds very challenging, but I feel up to it! We shall see how it goes!

Life Questions and Some Realizations

Lately I've been thinking about everything I want out of life. What do I want to be? Where do I want to live? What do I want to accomplish? I've been asking myself these questions practically all of my life, but I'm realizing that I'm getting older, and I need to make decisions and stick to them.

For the past few years, I've put my needs, desires, etc. on the back burner. I based everything on my husband and his career. That's not a bad thing by any means, but I was using those things as an excuse, and not accomplishing anything of my own. I'm finding that I can't do that anymore. Of course, I have to be mindful of him, but I need to fulfill myself as well.

I've been considering going back to college for a while now. I still don't know what would be my major. I don't even know where I would attend school. I'm trying to consider my options, but it's so hard when I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I'm good at office work, but I don't want to be chained to a desk the rest of my life. I know I want to help people. I've always known that God has given me a huge heart for people, and it's my desire to put it to good work. 

I've thought about nursing, but I would have to get over my weak stomach. Also, I know there's a lot of heart break in that field. It would devastate me if someone died or recieved horrible news. I know it's also a very rewarding career, but I'm trying to decide if it's worth the heart break that comes along with it.

I've also thought about cosmetology because I know I would be good at it. I would do it just because it's fun, but it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to help people in a deeper way than cutting their hair or making them feel pretty.

~

When I was younger, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, and I was going to accomplish them all. As an adult, I've realized there are things I can't do (like be a professional singer :)). Somethings I have talked myself out of doing because I don't feel capable or worthy of. It frustrates me to pieces that I have allowed my insecurities to rob me of my faith in myself. I wish I could go back to the place where my dreams seemed attainable.

When I was 17, I was watching a Barbara Walter's special called, "Born in My Heart." It was about adoption and Romanian orphanages. During that special, I felt God tug on my heart and say,"That's what I want you to do." I was absolutely elated. I felt so honored that the God of the Universe wanted me to work with these poor children who have no love.

Also, during my freshman year of college, I was writing a paper about what I wanted to do in life. In the process of writing it, I realized that God specifically called me to love the unloved. Yes, we are all called to do this, but I felt as though it was my specific mission.

Over the next year, I had a hard time coping with being an adult. As I was thrust into the world alone, I realized I really didn't know who I was. Through searching and struggling, I began to see glimpses of who I was, both good and bad. I lost sight of what God wanted in this processes and I would beg Him to show me. Of course He did, but it was in His time. I remember while I was researching something on the computer for school, I came upon some missionary website. Again, I felt God say, "This is what you I meant for you to do." I felt such a peace in my heart about it.

Around that time I got involved in a pretty charismatic church. Because of some of the things I was exposed to, I was misguided. After being involved for quite some time, I started realizing things didn't add up. I was so confused and troubled about the things that were being taught. Eventually, something happened with this group that pushed me far away from God. I was angry with Him. I was hurt and so confused that I strayed far away from my beliefs for many years.

Looking back I see that God didn't want me involved and the some things that were being taught were not scriptual at all. However, I was pushed so far away that I'm still finding it hard to come back to the place I know is right and pure. I question what is right and what is wrong. I'm still so confused. Because of all of this, I wonder how I'm ever going to do what God wants me to do with my life. I have quite the mess to sort out in my life. I know it's going to take some time to do, so in the waiting, I'm trying to figure out how to best move forward.

Life can be some complicated. I'm learning that it never turns out the way you think it will. Sometimes that alone is a hard thing to grasp. It's hard not to become bitter, frustrated, or angry that other people get to have the life I always wanted.. On top of that, they get it so easily it seems. In my head, I know I may have it harder than some because God wants to grow or change something within me. My heart has a harder time grasping that though. None the less, I need to move forward.

In the waiting, I pray for wisdom and understanding. I pray for growth and change. I also pray for forgiveness. I pray that God will show me how to move forward.

An Age Old Question

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This is a question that's been running in my head the last few hours. Earlier tonight I found out that a friend of mine's husband was killed in Afghanistan this past weekend. My heart breaks their family. What pain and sadness they must be going through. No one deserves to go through this, but especially not them. My friend is one of the sweetest, most kind people I've ever met. Her and her husband loved each other so much.. Why did this have to happen to them?

I'm praying for understanding in this area. I know God's ways are not our own, and we may never understand His ways this side of eternity, but even knowing that doesn't seem like enough. I wish I could understand why those who are good and are kind have to endure more hurt in their lifetime than those who are truly terrible people. It doesn't make any sense to me.