Letting Go Is Hard To Do...

As some of you know, Travis and I are in a very weird situation.

We are living together.

Because we had signed a lease on this place we're renting, and because of financial situations, we decided to continue living together for a few months. We are both in seperate bedrooms, and for the most part, we get along fantastically. So far, so good.

Well, it's starting to get tough. He is moving on, and has started seeing someone else. I am, however, still very emotionally attached and am not moving on as I should be. I am broken-hearted and am still very much in love with this man. It absolutely kills me that he's with someone else. My mind begins to wander about what they are doing, if she's prettier than me, and so on. I drive myself absolutely crazy.

I knew this was bound to happen, but it's so very hard. I don't think anyone could ever prepare fully for this process in a divorce. It is so hard to let go of someone you love, even if they didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. However, I know it's something I have to do. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I know for sanity's sake I have to.

My Place In This World

I feel so lost right now.

My heart and mind are being pulled in several different directions.

I can barely catch my breath.

Should I stay where I am? Should I move? Should I go back to school in the spring?

Where do I belong?

Truth be told, I absolutely despise where I am in life.

I hate feeling like a stranger in my own life.

I no longer know who I am or what I want.

It's absolutely frustrating.

I wish I knew where to go from here.

I'm praying, but I seem to get no answer.

Although I'm surrounded with all of the love and support in the world, I feel so alone.

 God, I need your help.

Please direct me in the path you want for my life.

Close any doors you don't wish for me enter.

Show me the door you wish me to go through.

I desperately need your direction.

I need for you to show me where to go.

I need to feel like I belong.

Please help me to see myself through your eyes.

Help me to know who I am.

"Show me your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth, and teach me: for you are the God of my salvation;

on you do I wait all the day." Psalm 25: 4-5

The Grass is Always Greener...

When I was a child, all I wanted was to be an adult. When I was a teenager, all I wanted was to be married and have my own little family. Now, as an adult, all I want is to be a carefree child again.

It's funny how we are always wanting what we cannot have.

I long for the days where my biggest decision in life was deciding which cereal to eat for breakfast. I was always so secure as a child. I had parents who loved me. I had a roof over my head. I didn't have to plan for the future. Bills and big decisions didn't keep me up at night. How wonderful it would be to go back to those days!

But here I am. I'm getting a divorce. I don't have a job. I don't know where I will be next month. I stay up at night fretting about bills and the future. Meanwhile, my heart hurts badly. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and no escape seems to be in sight.

I wish so desperately that I will wake up in the morning and be 10 years old with no cares in the world. Unfortunately things don't happen like they do in the movies. We don't get a do-over. We must trudge forth living with our choices, and we must deal with the consequences that come our way. We must make the best out of every situation, even when there's not a light at the end of a tunnel. We must not yearn for the greener grass, but rather be content in the situation we're in, meanwhile striving for a better life. It's truly so exhausting.

Feelings of Divorce: Anger

Another one of the oh-so-lovely feelings accompanied by divorce is anger. I am so angry that this had to happen to me. I'm also furious that he seems to be moving on just fine. Why can't he feel the way he has made me feel? Why do I have to be the one who is hurting?

I never deserved to be put in this position. I was a good wife, and I tried so very hard to make this marriage work. I sacrificed so much, and what do I get in return? A divorce. And the cherry on the cake is I get to see him moving on.

Two weeks after we made the decision to get a divorce, he has already started dating. How can he just move on and toss me to the curb like I'm nothing?

Needless to say, I'm absolutely furious.

Feelings of Divorce: Grief

One of the feelings I have been going through since starting this process is grief. As I've stated before, divorce is like a death, and I feel as if I've lost my best friend. My heart has been torn in a million pieces, and it feels as though it'll never be whole again.
I never wanted this to happen to me, and I honestly thought I would never go through this, but here I am in the midst of a divorce. I grew up in a christian home, and I believe in the Bible and God to my very core. I know divorce isn't Biblical. I hate the fact that I've been put in the position where divorce is necessary.

My marriage has been a constant struggle, even more so than most couples. I fought very hard to make it work, and it feels like all of that work was in vain. I feel as though my efforts have been wasted. I feel like a failure, even though I know I've done all that I can. Some people would say that I haven't tried, but not knowing the circumstances, I would find them completely ignorant.

No one ever deserves to know the pain of divorce. It's one of the very worst things I've ever had to go through. I feel as if I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I don't feel as though I'm really living my life. I feel so alone, even though I have an amazing support system around me. My tears seem never ending. My heart literally hurts. I don't feel as though I could love again. Sometimes I don't feel very hopeful of the future. I try to imagine the future and it all seems so bleak. I don't like feeling this way at all.

I wish that there was a shot or something that would make me numb to the pain I feel. I wish I could go on a vacation so that I could forget everything. Unfortunately there isn't a shot and I can't go on vacation.  I have to trudge forth and live out each day dealing with every emotion that comes my way.

I'm trying to cling to God's Word and His promises.. Although I feel alone and broken hearted, I know that He is with me. This is what is getting me through.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

The End

Last week was mine and Travis' third and final wedding anniversary.

For most of you this won't come as a surprise, as you have known some of the struggles Travis and I have faced in the last few years. With all that has happened and with the paths we wish to take in the future, we have mutually decided to part ways. This decision was not easy, but it has been a decision that has been made after much consideration.

Divorce is a devastating thing. I'm finding that it is like a death. It's a death of a love and a life that has been built. It's something I never wanted to experience in my lifetime. I know that I have fought as hard as I could to make this marriage work. Unfortunately, I'm finding that some things can go beyond our control. I have to believe that God has some greater plan that I cannot see right now.

For those of you who don't know the reasoning, I may choose to share it with you one day, but then again, I might not. Details of any divorce can be so painful, and I may not wish to divulge any more information than what I'm putting out here today. If you do not know all of the details, I ask that you not speculate or gossip. I'm already going through enough, and I don't need the added stress or worry of mine or my husband's name being run through the mud. It is my sincere hope that people would be respectful of my feelings and my privacy in this matter.

I also ask that during this time that you lift Travis and I up in your prayers. We so desperately need it. We wish to walk away from this marriage with absolutely no bitterness or hard feelings toward each other.

Thank you to all of you who have prayed and encouraged us over the last few years. It has meant a lot, and I will never forget the kindness you have shown us.

My Wonderful Roxy Update

As I write this, I'm SO excited! God has been answering prayers and healing my little girl.

Three nights ago we were given the option to put my little girl to sleep.. Three days later, she is doing so much better!!

We have been pretty nervous because she hasn't wanted to eat or drink the last two days. However, tonight, we discovered her weakness... I found a bone that she had been chewing on prior to her sickness. It's a normal rawhide bone, but wrapped inside it is some layer of dried meat. Well, I gave her the bone, and almost immediately she started tearing away at this layer of wrapped meat. Travis had just come home with some baby food to try to give her, and I dipped her bone in the baby food, and she licked it away. I told Travis about her digging at the meat, and he suggested we cook up bacon.. Well, as soon as she smelled it, she hopped right up and wagged her tail. We gave her a piece and she gobbled it up!

We have tried chicken, rice, broth, baby food, honey, wet dog food, etc... She didn't want any of it, but she went after the bacon like nobody's business.

She has been walking around more, has been playful, is going to the bathroom outside, and is returning to her loving self. And it's all due to the healing power of God! Several people have been praying, and God is answering those prayers! I'm SO excited!

The ER vet told us either we needed to put her in the hospital for several days (which could cost $1000-$3000 extra) or if we couldn't afford that, to euthanize her. We couldn't afford the hospitalization, but we couldn't bear to put her down yet, so we decided to take her home to try to help her.

The vet made a rude comment about us "pulling the rug from under our dog" and "we should have just euthanized her last night." None the less, we took her home, and every day since, we have been praying and playing doctor. Now, three days later, she is doing miraculously well!

I think that when Roxy is completely better, I might write that vet a letter telling her that plan c (the healing power of God) saved my baby! :)

So thank you all for your prayers, and please continue to keep her in your prayers as she continues to recover... And praise God for His healing power!