A Second Chance

At at least one point in our lives, we wish for a second chance, or a do-over. We wish life could be like the movies where the character lives with the choices they've made, only to wake up one morning and they're years younger. They are able to avoid the mistakes that they made previously, and they wake up again to find everything is right in the world. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen in real life.

Over the last several years, I have begged God for a do-over. I knew it probably wouldn't happen, but God can do anything, right? There are several mistakes I've made in my life, and I wish I could go back in time and avoid those mistakes. Maybe then I would be at a different place in my life. Maybe then I would be blogging about the adventures I having instead of the disappointments life has brought me.

Yesterday I realized God had in fact answered my prayers. While it wasn't how I ever wanted it to happen, He has given me a second chance in life. I'm not saying by any means that God brought my divorce on, but He is making something beautiful come from this experience.

I can't go back and right all of my wrongs, but I can go forward and learn from my mistakes so that I may make better choices this go-around. There are so many things I'm not willing to compromise on anymore because of the life I want to live. I desire to accomplish so many things in my life, and I know it's not going to be possible if I continue on the path that I've been treading. I know that I need to seek God first because my will has led me down to such a devastating path.

Thank you God for another chance.

I fully intend to make this second chance worth something wonderful.

Climbing out of the Pit

For the first time in a long time I am feeling very content with my life. With all that has gone on in the last few years, I have struggled a lot with being dissatisfied. My life has not turned out at all the way I use to picture it. I have made more than my share poor decisions over the last few years. Some things that have happened were beyond my control. Regardless, I have been dissatisfied, restless, and completely envious of others. However, in this moment, I'm very content with where I am.

I use to picture myself married with at least 2 rugrats at this age. I would have a college degree, own a house, be a preacher's wife, and would have a ministry of my own. I would be devastatingly in love with my husband, and he with me. I would be the "Proverbs 31 woman". I would take the occassional missions trip overseas. I would be healthy and fit. I would never speak unkind of anyone. I would be giving, and would use my time praying for and helping others. My house would be clean. I would play the violin and piano. I would sing occassionally in church.  I would home school my children. I would teach them about life and God. I would travel the world. I would get up early each morning, fix a cup of coffee, and spend time with God.

Those were/are my dreams. However, that is not my life, and for a long time, I hated that. I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I may never have that life. Currently my life is far from my perfect dream, but I'm okay with that. My life is my own, and I need to be content with where I am, but continuing to strive for better. I shouldn't sit around sulking about what I should be or have.

I need to focus on what I already have:

I have amazing parents who love me. I have a wonderful brother, sister, and sister-in-law. I have two handsome nephews and a beautiful niece. I have great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have the best friends in the world. I have a roof over my head. I have a running car, a job, and food on the table. I have dogs who love to give me kisses when I come home each day. I was blessed enough to have a wonderful Christian education. I have a Savior that loves me and died for me. I am so fortunate to live in such a wonderful country.

I am so very blessed, and so very content with what I have. If I never see my dreams come to pass, that's okay because what I already do have is so very wonderful. So, thank you God. Also, thank you to all of those that make my life so wonderful.

Feelings of Divorce: Denial and Acceptance

Throughout this divorce, I've gone through so many stages and emotions- anger, grief, denial, guilt, peace, etc. It has been the wildest roller coaster of emotions I've every experienced (one that I wish I could get off of). Recently, my mother showed me a cycle diagram that an old family friend wrote up about the feelings you encounter during divorce and the steps you take to recovery. I was absolutely surprised that I had gone through most of them, but I was even more shocked to know that all that I was feeling was normal.

The emotions I want to touch on tonight are denial and acceptance.

This really isn't over with.

Surely this can be fixed.

We're going to be married "until death do us part".

Although the end of our marriage was a long time coming, when we finally made the decision to do it, I was in extreme denial of the situation. At times, I really thought things could work out. For quite awhile after the decision was made, I didn't tell anyone. Part of the reason I didn't say anything was because I couldn't believe it myself. I wanted so badly for this to be a nightmare that I could wake up from. After a while, I realized that wasn't going to happen and I had to accept what was to come: I was getting a divorce.

Denial has been such a hard emotion to go through. It often leads to prayers and thoughts that my marriage can be saved. That isn't a bad thing by any means, but I had allowed my heart to be open to the possibility of saving this marriage, only for the possibilities to be shut down by my husband, and that was so devastating. Once I finally came to terms with the inevitable end, this eventually brought forth feelings of peace and even joy. I was so scared to accept this divorce because only then would it be real to me. Little did I know that acceptance would then bring forth restoration; a gradual healing of my heart and mind.

New Job

Today I started my new job at Dillard's.. I think it's going to be an amazing experience! I'm so excited to meet new people and get a paycheck while doing it. I hope to make great friends out of this experience.

I'm so excited to be working for a good company. So far everyone has been super friendly. Plus, it seems as though they really value their employees, which is a nice change from the last few places I've worked. They also said there is potential for three raises within your first year.. Now that's amazing!

Plus, I love being able to dress up for work. It gives me such a confidence boost when I look my best. I really think this job is going to give me a lot of what I need to get on the right track... I'm so excited!

On A Happier Note...

I know my blogs have been pretty downright depressing lately, and for that I do apologize. In the midst of a storm, it's so hard to think on anything other than that storm. I know it's going to be rough, and I'm sure I'm probably going to have more depressing blogs, but I have decided to take a break from all of that to write much happier things. *YAY*

Ever since we came to the conclusion that we were getting a divorce, I've had A LOT of time to think about my life and where I wanted to go from here. Should I move? Should I go back to school? What do I want to go back to school for? How can I better myself?

Well, I finally made some conclusions-

I have applied to go back to College of the Ozarks next fall. I am going to apply myself more than I ever have before, and I'm going to get a degree in Nursing. So, if I'm accepted, I'm going to move to Branson next summer. I have already talked to one of my old college roomies, and she has graciously offered her home to me. I'm so excited about this! I'm praying that it will all workout. If not, I'm still working on a backup plan.

Also, I'm going to start traveling. There are so many places in this world I want to go. I'm not only going to dream about going, but I'm going to do it, even if I have to go by myself. I want to try different foods, learn different cultures, take pictures of places I've read about, and I want to meet so many different people.

I'm going to work on my appearance. Not only am I going to lose weight and get into shape, but I want to work on fixing myself up every day. I want to have perfectly pedicured toes. I want nice clothes. I want to have such great hair that strangers come up to me and ask where I got my hair done. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound vain. I've just let myself go so much that I need to get it together. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel and look beautiful.

I want to find a great church home and become active in it. One thing I miss greatly is having fellowship with other believers. I truly miss being able to learn more about God and sing songs to Him in a church setting amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ. I've gotten so far away from it all, and I so desperately want to get back.

I want to be debt free. Over the years I have accumulated so much debt, that it literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I want to agressively pay things off, so that I can put my mind and my tummy to ease. :)

Above all, I want to become the woman that God desires for me to be. He wants me to strive for the best. He wants me to be confident and humble. He wants me to accomplish the dreams He has for me. So far, I haven't done a good job with that, but that is all going to change. I cannot wade around in the depths of my despair, but I most go forth and joyfully conquer all that He has for me. And by golly, I'm going to do it!

Although this divorce is rough and my heart is broken, I am starting to get really excited about all of the possibilities I have in life. I can go and do everything I want to do. There are no limits! How amazing is that?

Letting Go Is Hard To Do...

As some of you know, Travis and I are in a very weird situation.

We are living together.

Because we had signed a lease on this place we're renting, and because of financial situations, we decided to continue living together for a few months. We are both in seperate bedrooms, and for the most part, we get along fantastically. So far, so good.

Well, it's starting to get tough. He is moving on, and has started seeing someone else. I am, however, still very emotionally attached and am not moving on as I should be. I am broken-hearted and am still very much in love with this man. It absolutely kills me that he's with someone else. My mind begins to wander about what they are doing, if she's prettier than me, and so on. I drive myself absolutely crazy.

I knew this was bound to happen, but it's so very hard. I don't think anyone could ever prepare fully for this process in a divorce. It is so hard to let go of someone you love, even if they didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. However, I know it's something I have to do. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I know for sanity's sake I have to.

My Place In This World

I feel so lost right now.

My heart and mind are being pulled in several different directions.

I can barely catch my breath.

Should I stay where I am? Should I move? Should I go back to school in the spring?

Where do I belong?

Truth be told, I absolutely despise where I am in life.

I hate feeling like a stranger in my own life.

I no longer know who I am or what I want.

It's absolutely frustrating.

I wish I knew where to go from here.

I'm praying, but I seem to get no answer.

Although I'm surrounded with all of the love and support in the world, I feel so alone.

 God, I need your help.

Please direct me in the path you want for my life.

Close any doors you don't wish for me enter.

Show me the door you wish me to go through.

I desperately need your direction.

I need for you to show me where to go.

I need to feel like I belong.

Please help me to see myself through your eyes.

Help me to know who I am.

"Show me your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth, and teach me: for you are the God of my salvation;

on you do I wait all the day." Psalm 25: 4-5