Today we found out that Travis won't be discharged until mid-March/April. His paperwork, that was suppose to be on its way back from Walter Reed is not on its way back. Nope. In fact, they have found that they don't have all the paperwork they need, so it's probably going to take a month to get it all in order. At that time they'll send it back here. From what his case manager said, from that point it should take a month. Honestly, I'm not going to hold my breath on that one.
We have been in this discharge process for almost 2 years now and the military still doesn't have it all together. This is unbelievable! Supposively, we were suppose to be out in July or August of last year, but that didn't happen. Then it was suppose to be November or December, and that didn't happen either.
Although I was stressed about moving, I would rather get it over and done with than stay here for an indefinite amount of time. Up here, I barely get to see my friends and I don't get to see my family. When it snows, I rarely leave the house because I'm not terribly great driving in this kind of snow. Needless to say, it can get pretty lonely and depressing here.
Right now, I can only hope and pray that we'll be gone soon. Until the day arrives that we leave, I will make the best of the time I have here. I have to be productive and I have to do things I love. I can't let this get me down.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Mirrors vs. Photographs
I love my mirror. For the low price of $5, I purchased a mirror that I'm not afraid to look in. This mirror has been super kind to me. It has made me look smaller than I really am, and because of that, I didn't think I was as bad off as I am... And then I saw my photograph. Needless to say, it was not kind.
Travis and I are starting a new workout program, and we decided to take pictures of ourselves (frontal, side, and back) to see the progress. Well, I uploaded these picture a bit ago, and I am truly appalled. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I let myself get this way.
Looking at my body in this fashion was so painful, yet it was something I needed to see. The reason I say this is if I keep thinking that I'm not that bad off, I'm never going to change. Seeing the pounds on the scale was one thing, but seeing photos of myself wearing a sports bra and capris was the real wake up call.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm only 24 and I should be living my life to the fullest. I shouldn't always wonder what people are thinking about me when I go in public. I should have a fulfilling relationship with my husband, but I can't because of my size. I want to be a mother, but because of my size, I have PCOS, and I can't conceive a child. I want to have an adventurous life, but my weight prohibits me from so. I can't even ride a rollercoaster anymore.
You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank God for those pictures. They may be ugly, but they have given me a very necessary push in the right direction. Who knows, I may even print a copy to put on my favorite mirror so that I may never loose sight of the lesson that I have learned today.
Travis and I are starting a new workout program, and we decided to take pictures of ourselves (frontal, side, and back) to see the progress. Well, I uploaded these picture a bit ago, and I am truly appalled. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I let myself get this way.
Looking at my body in this fashion was so painful, yet it was something I needed to see. The reason I say this is if I keep thinking that I'm not that bad off, I'm never going to change. Seeing the pounds on the scale was one thing, but seeing photos of myself wearing a sports bra and capris was the real wake up call.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm only 24 and I should be living my life to the fullest. I shouldn't always wonder what people are thinking about me when I go in public. I should have a fulfilling relationship with my husband, but I can't because of my size. I want to be a mother, but because of my size, I have PCOS, and I can't conceive a child. I want to have an adventurous life, but my weight prohibits me from so. I can't even ride a rollercoaster anymore.
You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank God for those pictures. They may be ugly, but they have given me a very necessary push in the right direction. Who knows, I may even print a copy to put on my favorite mirror so that I may never loose sight of the lesson that I have learned today.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Decisions and Stresses
Well, it's 5:10 am, I haven't had a moment of sleep tonight. Not because I'm excited about anything, but because I have a lot on my mind. I'm worried, stressed, and so uncertain about the future. In a month or so, my husband should be medically discharged from the Army. We have known this was going to happen for the past 2 years, but now it's right here in front of us. We have so many decisions to make, and we barely know where to begin.
We finally decided that we're going to move closer to my family, but we're unsure where exactly to live. I have been searching every ad on Craigslist between Fort Smith, Arkansas to Osage Beach, Missouri looking for a place we can call our home. Unfortunately, I'm not finding a place that matches what we need. And until I can find that place, I can't even begin to look for a job.
Speaking of jobs, I have not a clue what I want to do. Who knows, I may not really have a choice because of how things are going in our country. I do pray that I find a job that I love, or even like going to each day. Also, if it pays well, that would be a bonus.
On top of that, I'm so stressed about moving out of our current apartment. We live in military housing, and from what I've heard, they will try to dock you on anything they can. I've heard several reports from them charging people to re-carpet the whole place, for them to only turn around and shampoo the current carpet. We don't have the money for that.
Furthermore, we can't agree on whether or not we're going to a DITY (Do it Yourself) move or have movers come. The Army will pay to move you, but if you DITY, you can get paid extra money. We have done the DITY move twice before, and even though the money is nice, I just don't want to deal with it. I would rather have someone else pack my belongings and drive them down south. I'm way to stressed to add more things to do to my plate.
Finally, I'm afraid I'm going to fail. For the first time in our marriage, we're going to be living outside of the Army boundaries. They have told us where to live, they've been a major source of income, and they have provided us with amazing insurance over the past few years. All of our securities and boundaries will be gone, and we're going to be the ones calling the shots, and I don't know how we're going to do this successfully.
I want this move to be a wonderful venture for us. I want it to be a successful journey. I want to look back at this blog and say, "As usual, you worried over nothing. God worked it all out, and we're doing fabulous."
We finally decided that we're going to move closer to my family, but we're unsure where exactly to live. I have been searching every ad on Craigslist between Fort Smith, Arkansas to Osage Beach, Missouri looking for a place we can call our home. Unfortunately, I'm not finding a place that matches what we need. And until I can find that place, I can't even begin to look for a job.
Speaking of jobs, I have not a clue what I want to do. Who knows, I may not really have a choice because of how things are going in our country. I do pray that I find a job that I love, or even like going to each day. Also, if it pays well, that would be a bonus.
On top of that, I'm so stressed about moving out of our current apartment. We live in military housing, and from what I've heard, they will try to dock you on anything they can. I've heard several reports from them charging people to re-carpet the whole place, for them to only turn around and shampoo the current carpet. We don't have the money for that.
Furthermore, we can't agree on whether or not we're going to a DITY (Do it Yourself) move or have movers come. The Army will pay to move you, but if you DITY, you can get paid extra money. We have done the DITY move twice before, and even though the money is nice, I just don't want to deal with it. I would rather have someone else pack my belongings and drive them down south. I'm way to stressed to add more things to do to my plate.
Finally, I'm afraid I'm going to fail. For the first time in our marriage, we're going to be living outside of the Army boundaries. They have told us where to live, they've been a major source of income, and they have provided us with amazing insurance over the past few years. All of our securities and boundaries will be gone, and we're going to be the ones calling the shots, and I don't know how we're going to do this successfully.
I want this move to be a wonderful venture for us. I want it to be a successful journey. I want to look back at this blog and say, "As usual, you worried over nothing. God worked it all out, and we're doing fabulous."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Excuses, Excuses... and Self Control
Gotta love excuses! They get you out of ANYTHING. I've been finding that I give excuses to myself more than I give them to anyone else. I think that's the case with everyone out there. We tell ourselves why we cannot do things all the time. Here are my top excuses:
I could go on and on and on. It is so hard to break the habit of making excuses. I caught myself off guard one day when in the midst of making an excuse. I was thinking, "Ooo, I've dropped 5 lbs. I can reward myself with a treat!" All of the sudden, my lovely voice of reasoning screamed at me, "Noooo! You may have dropped 5lbs, but you are still obese! No treat!"
This instance got me thinking about all of the excuses I make, and how I really have to break this terrible habit. When making excuses previously, the little saying, "A moment on your lips, forever on your hips" use to work. Not so much anymore.
I do believe this is where prayer and self-control come in. I can pray and I know God will help me, but I also firmly believe in doing your share. I can pray all day long that God will give me self-control, and I know He will, but it is up to me to use it. God knows I rarely use the self-control He's given me.
I was talking to my counselor about self-control a few weeks ago. She gave me some wonderful insight. She said that if you're not in the habit of using self-control, trying to tackle everything at once will lead you to become overwhelmed, and you will usually fail. However, if we take small steps at utilizing self-control, you'll more than likely succeed.
For instance, I'm obsessed with Diet Coke. I have the habit of drinking it like it's water, and I know I need to cut this out. So, if I make my mind up to drop one soda each day for a week, and utilize self-control over this small area, the next week it'll be easier to drop two sodas per day, and so on.
I'm attempting to apply this concept in a couple different areas of my life. So far, it's been hit and miss. Some days are better than others. I know that it'll come as I continue to work on it with God's help.
"Today has been a rough day. I'll just start tomorrow."
"Oops. I don't have time to make my lunch, I'll just eat out."
"I'm doing so good! One little bite won't hurt!"
"Ugh.. I don't want to be the only fat chick at the gym.. I'm not going."
"The kitchen is a mess. Let's eat out!"
"I've worked hard enough all day.. It's time to relax!"
"I've already failed.. This day is shot. I'll try again tomorrow."
"Just a little chocolate will make me feel better!"
I could go on and on and on. It is so hard to break the habit of making excuses. I caught myself off guard one day when in the midst of making an excuse. I was thinking, "Ooo, I've dropped 5 lbs. I can reward myself with a treat!" All of the sudden, my lovely voice of reasoning screamed at me, "Noooo! You may have dropped 5lbs, but you are still obese! No treat!"
This instance got me thinking about all of the excuses I make, and how I really have to break this terrible habit. When making excuses previously, the little saying, "A moment on your lips, forever on your hips" use to work. Not so much anymore.
I do believe this is where prayer and self-control come in. I can pray and I know God will help me, but I also firmly believe in doing your share. I can pray all day long that God will give me self-control, and I know He will, but it is up to me to use it. God knows I rarely use the self-control He's given me.
I was talking to my counselor about self-control a few weeks ago. She gave me some wonderful insight. She said that if you're not in the habit of using self-control, trying to tackle everything at once will lead you to become overwhelmed, and you will usually fail. However, if we take small steps at utilizing self-control, you'll more than likely succeed.
For instance, I'm obsessed with Diet Coke. I have the habit of drinking it like it's water, and I know I need to cut this out. So, if I make my mind up to drop one soda each day for a week, and utilize self-control over this small area, the next week it'll be easier to drop two sodas per day, and so on.
I'm attempting to apply this concept in a couple different areas of my life. So far, it's been hit and miss. Some days are better than others. I know that it'll come as I continue to work on it with God's help.
Pre-Spring Cleaning
I've noticed that my depression level is at its peak when my house is a mess. Because of this, I have decided to not only do a basic cleaning on my house, but to go beyond and de-clutter my house. Let me say, it's absolutely amazing how much stuff you can accumulate! It's also very hard to let go of things because I might use it some day. So, I'm trying to clean/de-clutter based on an idea and a few rules:
1) If you died or was moving today, how much junk would your family have to clean up?
2) If I haven't used this in 3 months, and it's not a seasonal item, get rid of it.
3) If it has holes or doesn't fit, trash or donate it.
So far, the de-cluttering has gone well. Travis has even joined in and I'm so grateful!
As far as cleaning goes, I am almost done with my laundry. This is a huge feat for me. I would rather scrub a toilet or wash a sink full of pots and pans then do laundry. Because of this, I have embarrassingly enough, let my laundry build up. While I maintained washing clothes we wear often, as well as sheets and towels, I have neglected all else for months. Well, I buckled down and did it, and now I can see my laundry room floor! Now that's exciting!
A New Beginning
Hello World,
Starting a blog is a scary thing to do, but alas, here I am. I wanted to start this for several reasons, but here are my two main reasons:
A) Record my journey
B) Accountability
I've decided to record my journey so that I can one day look back and see what I was, so that I may never return to this place. Where I sit now is not a pretty place, and I know I have to change. My marriage, health, and sanity are at stake. These are things I can no longer risk.
I also wanted to be held accountable to this change, because if I'm not, I know I won't change. I am putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable to people I know and some that I don't. Knowing this will keep me mindful of the things I'm committing to do.
To start this journey, I would like to give you a little background information on myself so that you may understand me better.
Growing Up:
I grew up in the best home imaginable. Sure, our family had problems, as all do, but my parents did an amazing job at raising their family. My parents married right out of high school and started their family. They had two girls and one boy (Caroline, Christopher, and myself). Though we've lived in other states, we grew up primarily in Arkansas.
When puberty struck at age 10, I started feeling awkward and ugly. I was made fun of a lot this year for rumors started amongst girls. Luckily, the next year, my parents decided to put us in a private school. No one knew me, and my initial awkwardness of puberty had subsided. I was one of the unpopular ones still, but I had great friends to make up for it.
After this school year, we were home schooled until I was in 10th grade. We then returned to private school. A lot happened this year: I lost my best friend due to circumstances, we changed schools, I dealt with my first broken heart. I gained weight bringing me up over 200 lbs. Depression set in this year. When I graduated in 2003, I had gained even more weight.
College:
I started college in the spring of 2004. The college I attended was only 45 minutes from home, but I was so homesick! I loved school my first semester. My second semester was so tough, and I thought about quitting and returning home as I was so depressed. Instead, I saw a counselor. I met with her for months, faced my issues, and started anti-depressants.
During this time, I also started attending a Bible study with some friends. I still struggled with my depression, but things seemed to be getting better. For the next year, I went to church with the Bible study group. However, during the summer prior to my 4th semester at college, depression reared its ugly head due to so many different factors. During a summer I gained quite a bit of weight and I started smoking.
That fall, some things happened with things at the church I was attending that pushed me further in my despair. I hated life, God, and especially school, so I wanted to get away from it all, and withdrew from school.
I returned home with the hopes that things would be so much more amazing than the life I was leading in college. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Depression followed me there. I worked at McDonald's, was in debt, and was dealing with a broken heart yet again.
2006 and Beyond:
Finally, I caught a break. I started working at a wonderful company doing something I loved doing. I also met my husband. In 2007, I married my husband. We had a rocky go of things for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage. Within the first 3 months of marriage, my husband deployed. I was also very sick, found out I have PCOS, had many tests run and procedures done for other health issues. I was all alone in New York with only one friend. I couldn't take care of myself and returned home. Depression was again rearing its head.
While things have gotten better, I know things could be so much better than this. I have allowed my weight and depression to control my life. It has consumed me, and I can no longer take it. I desire to gain control of my life and my health. If I do this, I know things are going to be different. This is the beginning to the life I desire: A life of joy.
Starting a blog is a scary thing to do, but alas, here I am. I wanted to start this for several reasons, but here are my two main reasons:
A) Record my journey
B) Accountability
I've decided to record my journey so that I can one day look back and see what I was, so that I may never return to this place. Where I sit now is not a pretty place, and I know I have to change. My marriage, health, and sanity are at stake. These are things I can no longer risk.
I also wanted to be held accountable to this change, because if I'm not, I know I won't change. I am putting myself out there and becoming vulnerable to people I know and some that I don't. Knowing this will keep me mindful of the things I'm committing to do.
To start this journey, I would like to give you a little background information on myself so that you may understand me better.
Growing Up:
I grew up in the best home imaginable. Sure, our family had problems, as all do, but my parents did an amazing job at raising their family. My parents married right out of high school and started their family. They had two girls and one boy (Caroline, Christopher, and myself). Though we've lived in other states, we grew up primarily in Arkansas.
When puberty struck at age 10, I started feeling awkward and ugly. I was made fun of a lot this year for rumors started amongst girls. Luckily, the next year, my parents decided to put us in a private school. No one knew me, and my initial awkwardness of puberty had subsided. I was one of the unpopular ones still, but I had great friends to make up for it.
After this school year, we were home schooled until I was in 10th grade. We then returned to private school. A lot happened this year: I lost my best friend due to circumstances, we changed schools, I dealt with my first broken heart. I gained weight bringing me up over 200 lbs. Depression set in this year. When I graduated in 2003, I had gained even more weight.
College:
I started college in the spring of 2004. The college I attended was only 45 minutes from home, but I was so homesick! I loved school my first semester. My second semester was so tough, and I thought about quitting and returning home as I was so depressed. Instead, I saw a counselor. I met with her for months, faced my issues, and started anti-depressants.
During this time, I also started attending a Bible study with some friends. I still struggled with my depression, but things seemed to be getting better. For the next year, I went to church with the Bible study group. However, during the summer prior to my 4th semester at college, depression reared its ugly head due to so many different factors. During a summer I gained quite a bit of weight and I started smoking.
That fall, some things happened with things at the church I was attending that pushed me further in my despair. I hated life, God, and especially school, so I wanted to get away from it all, and withdrew from school.
I returned home with the hopes that things would be so much more amazing than the life I was leading in college. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Depression followed me there. I worked at McDonald's, was in debt, and was dealing with a broken heart yet again.
2006 and Beyond:
Finally, I caught a break. I started working at a wonderful company doing something I loved doing. I also met my husband. In 2007, I married my husband. We had a rocky go of things for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage. Within the first 3 months of marriage, my husband deployed. I was also very sick, found out I have PCOS, had many tests run and procedures done for other health issues. I was all alone in New York with only one friend. I couldn't take care of myself and returned home. Depression was again rearing its head.
As I stated before, my husband and I went through a rocky time. His deployment was rough, but him returning home was worse, as he came back with severe PTSD. This time was the hardest of my life. Needless to say, I fell deeper into depression and gained more weight.
While things have gotten better, I know things could be so much better than this. I have allowed my weight and depression to control my life. It has consumed me, and I can no longer take it. I desire to gain control of my life and my health. If I do this, I know things are going to be different. This is the beginning to the life I desire: A life of joy.
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