Feelings of Divorce: Denial and Acceptance

Throughout this divorce, I've gone through so many stages and emotions- anger, grief, denial, guilt, peace, etc. It has been the wildest roller coaster of emotions I've every experienced (one that I wish I could get off of). Recently, my mother showed me a cycle diagram that an old family friend wrote up about the feelings you encounter during divorce and the steps you take to recovery. I was absolutely surprised that I had gone through most of them, but I was even more shocked to know that all that I was feeling was normal.

The emotions I want to touch on tonight are denial and acceptance.

This really isn't over with.

Surely this can be fixed.

We're going to be married "until death do us part".

Although the end of our marriage was a long time coming, when we finally made the decision to do it, I was in extreme denial of the situation. At times, I really thought things could work out. For quite awhile after the decision was made, I didn't tell anyone. Part of the reason I didn't say anything was because I couldn't believe it myself. I wanted so badly for this to be a nightmare that I could wake up from. After a while, I realized that wasn't going to happen and I had to accept what was to come: I was getting a divorce.

Denial has been such a hard emotion to go through. It often leads to prayers and thoughts that my marriage can be saved. That isn't a bad thing by any means, but I had allowed my heart to be open to the possibility of saving this marriage, only for the possibilities to be shut down by my husband, and that was so devastating. Once I finally came to terms with the inevitable end, this eventually brought forth feelings of peace and even joy. I was so scared to accept this divorce because only then would it be real to me. Little did I know that acceptance would then bring forth restoration; a gradual healing of my heart and mind.

New Job

Today I started my new job at Dillard's.. I think it's going to be an amazing experience! I'm so excited to meet new people and get a paycheck while doing it. I hope to make great friends out of this experience.

I'm so excited to be working for a good company. So far everyone has been super friendly. Plus, it seems as though they really value their employees, which is a nice change from the last few places I've worked. They also said there is potential for three raises within your first year.. Now that's amazing!

Plus, I love being able to dress up for work. It gives me such a confidence boost when I look my best. I really think this job is going to give me a lot of what I need to get on the right track... I'm so excited!

On A Happier Note...

I know my blogs have been pretty downright depressing lately, and for that I do apologize. In the midst of a storm, it's so hard to think on anything other than that storm. I know it's going to be rough, and I'm sure I'm probably going to have more depressing blogs, but I have decided to take a break from all of that to write much happier things. *YAY*

Ever since we came to the conclusion that we were getting a divorce, I've had A LOT of time to think about my life and where I wanted to go from here. Should I move? Should I go back to school? What do I want to go back to school for? How can I better myself?

Well, I finally made some conclusions-

I have applied to go back to College of the Ozarks next fall. I am going to apply myself more than I ever have before, and I'm going to get a degree in Nursing. So, if I'm accepted, I'm going to move to Branson next summer. I have already talked to one of my old college roomies, and she has graciously offered her home to me. I'm so excited about this! I'm praying that it will all workout. If not, I'm still working on a backup plan.

Also, I'm going to start traveling. There are so many places in this world I want to go. I'm not only going to dream about going, but I'm going to do it, even if I have to go by myself. I want to try different foods, learn different cultures, take pictures of places I've read about, and I want to meet so many different people.

I'm going to work on my appearance. Not only am I going to lose weight and get into shape, but I want to work on fixing myself up every day. I want to have perfectly pedicured toes. I want nice clothes. I want to have such great hair that strangers come up to me and ask where I got my hair done. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound vain. I've just let myself go so much that I need to get it together. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel and look beautiful.

I want to find a great church home and become active in it. One thing I miss greatly is having fellowship with other believers. I truly miss being able to learn more about God and sing songs to Him in a church setting amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ. I've gotten so far away from it all, and I so desperately want to get back.

I want to be debt free. Over the years I have accumulated so much debt, that it literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I want to agressively pay things off, so that I can put my mind and my tummy to ease. :)

Above all, I want to become the woman that God desires for me to be. He wants me to strive for the best. He wants me to be confident and humble. He wants me to accomplish the dreams He has for me. So far, I haven't done a good job with that, but that is all going to change. I cannot wade around in the depths of my despair, but I most go forth and joyfully conquer all that He has for me. And by golly, I'm going to do it!

Although this divorce is rough and my heart is broken, I am starting to get really excited about all of the possibilities I have in life. I can go and do everything I want to do. There are no limits! How amazing is that?

Letting Go Is Hard To Do...

As some of you know, Travis and I are in a very weird situation.

We are living together.

Because we had signed a lease on this place we're renting, and because of financial situations, we decided to continue living together for a few months. We are both in seperate bedrooms, and for the most part, we get along fantastically. So far, so good.

Well, it's starting to get tough. He is moving on, and has started seeing someone else. I am, however, still very emotionally attached and am not moving on as I should be. I am broken-hearted and am still very much in love with this man. It absolutely kills me that he's with someone else. My mind begins to wander about what they are doing, if she's prettier than me, and so on. I drive myself absolutely crazy.

I knew this was bound to happen, but it's so very hard. I don't think anyone could ever prepare fully for this process in a divorce. It is so hard to let go of someone you love, even if they didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. However, I know it's something I have to do. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I know for sanity's sake I have to.

My Place In This World

I feel so lost right now.

My heart and mind are being pulled in several different directions.

I can barely catch my breath.

Should I stay where I am? Should I move? Should I go back to school in the spring?

Where do I belong?

Truth be told, I absolutely despise where I am in life.

I hate feeling like a stranger in my own life.

I no longer know who I am or what I want.

It's absolutely frustrating.

I wish I knew where to go from here.

I'm praying, but I seem to get no answer.

Although I'm surrounded with all of the love and support in the world, I feel so alone.

 God, I need your help.

Please direct me in the path you want for my life.

Close any doors you don't wish for me enter.

Show me the door you wish me to go through.

I desperately need your direction.

I need for you to show me where to go.

I need to feel like I belong.

Please help me to see myself through your eyes.

Help me to know who I am.

"Show me your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth, and teach me: for you are the God of my salvation;

on you do I wait all the day." Psalm 25: 4-5

The Grass is Always Greener...

When I was a child, all I wanted was to be an adult. When I was a teenager, all I wanted was to be married and have my own little family. Now, as an adult, all I want is to be a carefree child again.

It's funny how we are always wanting what we cannot have.

I long for the days where my biggest decision in life was deciding which cereal to eat for breakfast. I was always so secure as a child. I had parents who loved me. I had a roof over my head. I didn't have to plan for the future. Bills and big decisions didn't keep me up at night. How wonderful it would be to go back to those days!

But here I am. I'm getting a divorce. I don't have a job. I don't know where I will be next month. I stay up at night fretting about bills and the future. Meanwhile, my heart hurts badly. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and no escape seems to be in sight.

I wish so desperately that I will wake up in the morning and be 10 years old with no cares in the world. Unfortunately things don't happen like they do in the movies. We don't get a do-over. We must trudge forth living with our choices, and we must deal with the consequences that come our way. We must make the best out of every situation, even when there's not a light at the end of a tunnel. We must not yearn for the greener grass, but rather be content in the situation we're in, meanwhile striving for a better life. It's truly so exhausting.

Feelings of Divorce: Anger

Another one of the oh-so-lovely feelings accompanied by divorce is anger. I am so angry that this had to happen to me. I'm also furious that he seems to be moving on just fine. Why can't he feel the way he has made me feel? Why do I have to be the one who is hurting?

I never deserved to be put in this position. I was a good wife, and I tried so very hard to make this marriage work. I sacrificed so much, and what do I get in return? A divorce. And the cherry on the cake is I get to see him moving on.

Two weeks after we made the decision to get a divorce, he has already started dating. How can he just move on and toss me to the curb like I'm nothing?

Needless to say, I'm absolutely furious.