Mind and Body

Last night Travis and I had an oh-so-wonderful heart to heart. You know, one of those talks are NEVER fun, however, when you're through with them, you generally feel enlightened and inspired. We talked about our future and things that are holding us back from achieving what we wanted out of life. We talked about my weight and how much I struggle with fixing this issue that I have. I told him that even though in my head I want to work out, my body never feels up to the challenge. My body always tends to crave something so strongly that I end up giving in even though my mind is screaming "NOOO!"

Travis then made a very interesting observation... He said that it seems that I've let my body control my mind instead of the other way around. Then he showed me this quote that he had found... 

"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."

                                    - George S. Patton, U.S. Army General, 1912 Olympian

Needless to say, the lightbulb came on. Really, how many times have I let my body decide what I was or wasn't going to do. How many times have workouts or chores been neglected because I didn't feel up to something? How many times have I eaten in such an unhealthy manner because my body told me to? Rarely have I forsaken the wants of my body. Rarely have I given my body what it needs (a figurative kick in the fanny.)

So begins the process of training my mind to think for itself.

Tough Times

This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've had in quite some time. As I've stated before, my husband has PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder.) This week, he's been struggling a lot lately in regards to the cause of this disorder, and has decided that he needs some additional help. The opportunity has arisen for him to seek additional help down in Texas using the best program in the country for PTSD. This program is 28 days long and he could leave as early as this week.

After he made the decision to go, we talked about me packing up and moving down south to set up our home. I didn't want to be in New York by myself for a month, and I felt that I could be closer to him and could visit him occassionally during this program. Plus, he would only be in the Army a few more weeks after he returned.

I started making arrangements to move within a week, and was looking at plane tickets so my best friend could fly up here to help me. Unfortunately, all of that fell through, so we changed plans. As it's looking now, I'm going to move at the beginning of next month. That will give me more time to pack and look for a new home and a job.

Yesterday we hit a snag in the decisions that we had already made. My husband is now thinking that he doesn't want to go to this program and that he can fix the issues that he has. I'm absolutely at a loss. I really believe that going would be the best thing for him. I know he will learn useful tools on how to cope and forgive himself and others. However, I can't convince him that it's really going to help him. It's absolutely frustrating and heartbreaking.

He says the reason he doesn't want to go is that he doesn't want to be treated as a crazy person or a prisoner, which I can understand. Although he won't admit it, I think the main reason he's holding back is because he doesn't want to deal with the pain this will cause. He knows that in order to heal, he's going to have to deal with the stuff that he's been surpressing for so long. He's going to have to feel, and I think that scares him.

We need a lot of prayer. I want him to actually go to this program and to begin the healing process. I need the strength to deal with a time of lonliness and the stress that comes with moving. I thank you all and I hope you had a wonderful Easter.

Mishka's Babies

Adak

Lola

Niko

Maia & Akira

Happy Mom

A basket full of joy

Beautiful family

Happy Birthday?

Growing up, my family went all out on our birthdays. It usually started out with my parents waking me up by singing "Happy Birthday" and was followed by my favorite breakfast (which was always my dad's biscuits and gravy.) Throughout the day, I got to pick everything I wanted to do (within reason, of course.) My parents made our birthday completely about us. Because of this, I naturally feel like everyone should be treated in this manner on their birthday... But what if they don't want to be?

This is a question I've had to ask myself a lot lately, as my husband says he doesn't like the attention. For my husband, a birthday is a reminder of all the painful ones he had growing up. His birthday was another excuse for his mom to throw an adult party, which meant alcohol and drugs. Even as a child, his day was not about him at all. His brother and sisters all have wonderful birthdays and are spoiled ridiculously, but never Travis. As an adult, he doesn't receive birthday cards or even phone calls from his family.

Lately we've had conversations about what he wants to do for his birthday. He has told me that he would just prefer it if I didn't make any fuss about it because "it's just another day." This absolutely breaks my heart. As a wife, I just want to fix his pain with all that I have. I want to be able to give him the most amazing day on his birthday so that he can forget all the bad ones he's ever had. I really think he wants to have amazing birthdays, but the memories of past birthdays and his family keep him from doing so.

So how can this barrier be eliminated? Will it ever be? Even though his family may not show that they treasure him, I want my husband to know how much I rejoice that he's been given another year of life. I want him to celebrate it too. I feel so helpless though. I fight the urge to get furious and resentful towards his mother. How dare someone steal something as precious a happy birthday away from someone and not even care.

As my husband's birthday approaches in just a few hours, I pray that God would perform a miracle. One that includes forgiveness and healing. I pray for a day of joy. I pray that my husband does have a happy birthday after all.

Life as I Currently Know It

To my faithful readers: I do apologize greatly for not posting anything in over a week, as my mind has been on other things. Because my mind is still else where, I thought I would give a quick update on what's going on with us.

First of all, we received some great news... Travis received his revamped NARSUM back and was able to sign it yesterday. This is a very huge step in the medical discharge process. Now we wait for a disability rating from the VA along with a discharge date. The woman said it could be another month or two. I've heard that before! Hopefully I will be able to spend this spring in the Ozarks?!

Secondly, we received even better news: Mishka is not only having 2-3 puppies, she is actually having FIVE! This time they took an x-ray of her belly instead doing of an ultrasound. With the x-ray you can see the skull masses and the spinal cords, but not really much else. Regardless, it was really neat to see. Also, she's gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks! I couldn't believe it was that much. I knew she was getting bigger, but 10 lbs?! She normally weighs 37lbs, so 10lbs is a lot for her.

As her delivery day draws near, I have been spending at least 30 minutes or more each day educating myself on the whelping process and puppy care. I have cleaned out an entire room for Mishka and her pups so that they can have a quiet private area to themselves. I have also made her a whelping bed and have collected "must haves" for the delivery and early care of the pups. I have even gone as far as to watch puppy deliveries on youtube to prepare myself (mainly my stomach) for what's to come. With all of this stressing, studying, and preparing, you would think that I was the one having a baby! ;) Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right?

Well, that's all for now.. I will try to update soon!

Where? Down in My Heart!

For the first time in a very long time I woke up not only completely rested, but with an immense feeling of joy inside of me. I mean, I can literally feel it! It's so amazing!

Sure, I generally feel happy, but I have not felt joyful in quite a while. You may wonder what the difference is between the two, so I'll explain. In my opinion, happiness is solely based on circumstance and can disappear in the blink of an eye. Joy, however, isn't based on circumstance and it doesn't disappear in a moment. Joy is not only a happy feeling, but it is also a feeling of hope, contentment, and amazing peace. True joy is a sweet gift from God. So thank you God!

My Inspiration for Losing Weight

1. Roller Coasters
Because of the harnessing or weight limits on most rides, I have been unable to ride roller coasters for the past few years. Riding roller coasters is my absolute favorite thing to do. It pains me to go to Silver Dollar City or the county fair and watch my husband ride roller coasters without me. I miss the thrill and excitement that they bring. I also miss the feeling in your gut when your about to drop down a hill. I want to experience that this summer.

2. Shopping
When your overweight, your limited to stores like Lane Bryant. When I go to the mall with my girl friends, I can only browse the accessories section. In the meantime, I feel like everyone is thinking, "Why is this cow in here?" I don't want to have to feel or shop that way. I want to go into a skinny girl's store and find amazing deals on cute clothes. I want to shop with ease.

3. My Husband
Every woman wants her husband to find her utterly desirable. While my husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, I want him to also think I'm incredibly sexy! I want to be the absolute best I can be for him. Also, I will be able to do more activities with him (hiking, kayaking, etc). When that happens, we will gain more common interests which will in turn draw us closer as a couple.

4. Babies!
More than anything, I want to be a mother. Because my weight is mostly the reason I have PCOS (besides the actual cysts themselves), at this time, I cannot have a child. Also, I wouldn't want to put my child's life in danger because I'm unhealthy. So, once I have lost a considerable amount of weight, we will start trying to have a baby. Plus, when I do finally become a mother, I want to be an active mother for my children. I also want to be a good influence on them as far as health, exercise, and nutrition are concerned.

5. Overall Health
I will be able to move about without hurting my back or losing my breath. I will be able to do more for a longer period of time, as I will have more energy. My PCOS will get better. My foot would probably start to heal when there's not so much weight on it. I will be able to sleep better.

6. I Can Serve God Better.
Obesity is a sin as God never intended us to live this way. He designed us to be healthy, and as stated in the Bible, our body is His temple. When you're living in sin, you can serve God effectively. Also, I won't have physical and emotional limitations as I do now because of my weight.

7. I Will Live a Longer Life.
We all know that added weight can shorten your life. I only have one shot at this life on earth, I don't need to shorten it.

8. Self-Esteem
This one is huge for me. As I've stated before, most moments in my day are thoughts about my weight and how people view me. Also, I think about all the things I want to do but can't because of my weight. Once I lose weight, I know my self-esteem will improve immensely. Once that improves, I will gain the confidence that I need to accomplish everything I've ever wanted to do.

9. Chairs
It is absolutely exhausting having to consider your weight in everything you do, especially the little things. Before I sit in a chair I've never been in, I pray that it does not capsize underneath me. Of course, it never has, but I don't want to have to think about it. Also, I'm so fortunate that I haven't been kicked off an airplane yet because of their chairs. Grant it I don't fly much, but when I have, it's been a struggle. First of all, it's hard to get a big butt in those seats. Secondly, I've literally had to rub elbows and knees with the person next to me because I can't sit properly. Finally, the seatbelts are an issue. Sad to say, unless I'm on a plush airplane, I don't fit in their seatbelts. Because having to ask for a seatbelt extension is absolutely humiliating, I've developed a way to ride a plane without having to buckle. The answer? A jacket. Draping a jacket across your lap or putting it over your shoulders so that the stewardess doesn't boot you off the plane or give you an extension is completely ingenious, but also very unnecessary. I want to ride with ease and comfort.

10. WOW!
Have you imagined yourself walking in a room and everyone turning their heads? Have you ever wanted people to say that you look fabulous or amazing? I have. Even though I'll probably never turn heads, I do want to leave people with a lasting impression of me. I also want people to say, "You look AMAZING!" Some may call that conceded, but I don't think it is. We all want to look our best and be our best, and we want people to recognize that. I don't want people to view me differently because of my size and I don't want people to remember me as "the big woman". I want people to know me as a woman who takes pride in how she looks and treats people with absolute kindness and hospitality. I want to leave a "WOW" impression on everyone I meet. I also want to wow my family and my friends, as they have seen my struggles over the years. Finally, I want to WOW my former classmates at our reunion this summer.
~
This list has taken me time and a lot of thought for me to complete. Sure, there are many other inspirations, but the ones I've listed are huge for me. I had to write this down so that I could remember in the hard times why I'm doing what I'm doing. Also, I wanted to encourage anyone who needs an inspiration for accomplishing a particular goal, whatever it may be.

Sometimes we lose sight of the things we desire because of a few negatives, but if we are mindful of all of the positives, we are more likely to push towards our goal. If you have a goal in mind, I highly encourage you to write down your inspirations for completing this goal. Also, I would place this list in a place you can see every day so that you have the daily reminder of what you want to do or become. Who knows, it may not only inspire you, but it may inspire your loved ones as well.